grandparents letting teen get away with everything

Brewstersmum

Hi all just after a bit of advice. my teen son (16) has been hard work for quite a few years. a bit of background, ive been a single working parent since he was 6. my mum and step dad have always helped me out with childcare to which I am eternally grateful. hes always hated school and things got progressively worse until he reached year 9 where he started being abusive to staff. at his point I was working part time so was constantly in and out of the school, at one point I was in front of the governors! by year 10 (last year) he had moved into his nans as I discipline him for his behaviour (removal of privileges etc) and his nan is, in his own words a 'soft touch'. anyway at the beginning of year 11 he has been put into a PRU (exclusion school) for his behaviour. he was literally just walking into class, telling his teachers to F off and walking out. when I ask him why he has no explanation except he doesn't want to be there. he doesn't want a job, he aspires to live on the dole and wants a flat off the social.


so he has been seen by the docs, by CAHMS, by PRU staff. he takes a low dose anti depressant as they think he may be bi polar. this did work for a while but things are bad again. yesterday he was due to see the doc for a review. I arranged to collect him from school and take him. unfortunately my car broke down so I was stuck on the side of the road. I phoned his granddad who said he would collect him for me and take him to the docs. the docs is down the road, my son can go out all night with his friends but cant take himself to the doctors. I get a phonecall at 3,30 and its my son going mad because im not there so the call goes like this :-


'sorry I cant be there my car has blown up'


'you f%^*ing waste of oxygen! im going out with my friends. f%^& you and grandad'


understandably my dad is not impressed and neither am I so later on I phoned my parents for a chat about how we can go forward. I tell them that we need to be united on this. my son does come and stay at mine often but I always refuse to collect him from his friends as im not a taxi service. I asked them that when he rings for a lift to come home, to tell him no. they agreed. 10pm my phone rings and my son tells me granddad wont pick him up. I tell him tough, you make your bed you lie in it. you cant treat people like crap and get away with it so walk. I find out today that his granddad did actually go 5 mins later and fetch him.......... I asked my mum if my son stayed with her last night, she lied and said no.


how can I ever parent him when they make it so easy for him to get away with everything!

duchy

I think I'd be tempted to say ....Fine he's yours fulltime for the next month -school appointments, doctor's visits and all and once you've walked in my shoes lets talk again.

Brewstersmum

I haven't told my mum I know shes lying and that they picked him up. im not sure how to tackle that one either

BitterAndTwisted

Change the locks at home and don't let him back in. Ever. Block him number or change your mobile number.

If they want to bad-parent him then just let them get on with it.



"He doesn't want a job, he aspires to live on the dole and wants a flat off the social."

If he carries on the way he is doing, no employer would likely give him a job of any kind. A flat off the social? Yes, there are thousands of lovely homes lying empty, just waiting for under-achievers to pop round for the keys.

thatgirlsam

Maybe he was nervous about going to the doctors on his own. Yes, he sounds like a bit of a brat but he's 16. Strange age to be, you're kind of messed up. I was awful at that age.


As for locking the doors and never letting him back in. Harsh.

Blackpool_Saver

Hmmm, at 10pm at night I would have gone out to get him to be honest, the last thing you want is him ending up in bad circles. Things could get a whole lot worse, drugs etc
Your son, as bad as his behaviour is, probably feels rejected by you (in his mind) so if you and g/parents don't accommodate him things could go from bad to worse very quickly.
This is a phase (trust me I know)
Bring him back home to you. Do it today.

Edited to add: 10pm is early in a 16 year old's mind, he won't join the dots that you have to get up for work the next day. Bring him home, close the void, but do it soon before it's too late and you can't close it because strangers have filled the gap.

Mojisola

Where's he getting the money to be out all evening with his friends?

thatgirlsam

What's that saying.. 'A child needs your support the most at the times when you least feel like giving it too them'


Or summat like that

pinkshoes

Take your son away for the whole summer holiday to somewhere isolated! Some sort of working holiday or similar?

Just be blunt with your parents. They are undermining you and ruining any chance you have of getting your son sorted out. Just tell them he needs consistency.

Could you get them to say no to your son living there?

RedBern

Think you need to sit down with your son and have a proper talk with him and find out what's going on. As Blackpool Saver says, he's possibly feeling rejected. If he's unhappy at school, what does he have any interests in? It's easy to say he's going to live off the dole etc., but it may be he has no confidence in himself to do anything but that. Can you sit down together and get some ground rules for a start - ie he's not staying with his grandparents, he lives with you and you have an agreed time he comes in at. If he needs a lift then arrange it in advance. Does he do any jobs around the house? If not, get him to take some (minor) responsibility.

Finally, listen to yourself speaking to him. Are you always saying negative things? Instead of saying 'don't leave your dirty washing on the bedroom floor' can you just say 'pop your washing in the machine when you're ready and we'll get it washed while the weather's dry' (or similar). Try to turn negatives into positives.

Good luck - it's not easy bringing up kids.

Person_one

Are you getting any support from the PRU or any of the other agencies involved in how to cope with his behaviour and how best to help him?