Is length of relationship a sign of a good relationship?

Toucan_Pecan

I had a bit of a heated debate with someone recently who is miserable in his relationship with his girlfriend. When I questioned why they were still together he told me that they 'just are' and that every time he has suggested to her that they split within 6 months or creates a timeline for leaving (which I think is a bit strange as they aren't even financially entangled) she starts to get upset and he stays, or when she might suggest that it isn't working he decides it isn't time for him to leave the relationship. This person has disclosed to me that he feels life is pointless and that being in a relationship with anyone would 'be the same'. He doesn't socialize or work so his girlfriend really is the only person he talks to. Anyway, I remarked to him that maybe it's time to think about getting a job and *perhaps* evaluating whether to stay with this woman as she wants children and he doesn't... Anyway, he had a rant at me that I didn't know the value of a long-term relationship and it's taught him many important things about women and I couldn't possibly understand the value of said LTR because I had never been in one!

Now, I understand that staying together for years with someone can be a sign of a healthy relationship, but beyond that I'm dubious that it proves anything other than perhaps two people are remaining with each other because they are scared to take a chance on life and start afresh. Is this an offensive or wrong point of view? It was quite a heated argument so I'm not sure if I'm just naive or he is in absolute denial...?!

Gillyx

Definitely not however if a relationship is short term and it isn't a good relationship that's worrying as most relationships in the beginning have the honeymoon period where things should be mostly plain sailing.

Once real life is introduced to relationships, i.e living together, jointly paying bills etc I think it can get a bit tougher but obviously not unworkable or no one would be in happy relationships.

BigAunty

A long term relationship could indeed testify to its high quality, then again, it just might testify to a state of stasis and the ability to endure long periods of misery....

Some people are too afraid of change and prefer the comfort of their current suffering.

"Anyway, I remarked to him that maybe it's time to think about getting a job" - so is he is financially dependent on her?

Stephb1986_2

I agree with you just because two people have been together a long time doesn't mean their relationship is a happy one. I think they are both scared of being alone and having to start again it's the fear of the unknown.

I don't see the point in a relationship carrying on if neither of them are happy together.

Steph x

Toucan_Pecan

BigAunty wrote: »

A long term relationship could indeed testify to its high quality, then again, it just might testify to a state of stasis and the ability to endure long periods of misery....

Some people are too afraid of change and prefer the comfort of their current suffering.

"Anyway, I remarked to him that maybe it's time to think about getting a job" - so is he is financially dependent on her?

Yes, I think so too... Actually he is living off his savings for food, but she covers the rent (bills come under rent) as she lived there before him and hasn't asked that he contributes (this reminds me of the 'my gf doesn't pay rent' thread....

Toucan_Pecan

Stephb1986 wrote: »

I agree with you just because two people have been together a long time doesn't mean their relationship is a happy one. I think they are both scared of being alone and having to start again it's the fear of the unknown.

I don't see the point in a relationship carrying on if neither of them are happy together.

Steph x

They don't seem to be unhappy in a raging anger sort of way, he seems full of despair... I find it hard because I feel like moralizing a bit (as in, "do something!") but also sympathetic!

marisco_2

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

This person has disclosed to me that he feels life is pointless and that being in a relationship with anyone would 'be the same'.

This statement speaks volumes about your friends current state of mind. Anyone capable of applying logic and reasoning would accept, that healthy worthwhile relationships would not be like the one he is in. From what you have described he comes across as being seriously depressed and in need of professional help. I hope he soon comes to realise that and wishes to improve his life by seeking it out.

Free_Spirit_31

There are many people who stay together for the sake of the kids or because they cannot to but the other person out of the mortgage or they have no where else to go or worse still, cannot bear being on their own. They do not stay together because they want to, they do it because they have no choice or feel they have to, so then they feel trapped.

If anyone states that the person is not happy, why are they still together, they feel threatened and state that there are ups and downs in relationship and it makes the relationship stronger.

I had a colleague make a snide remark about me receiving flowers at work, she said out loud "Oh, they have only been together 2 years, wait until they hit the 10 year mark like me!"

This woman frequently moans how controlling her partner is, how he blackmailed her into allowing him to move into her house and they sleep in separate beds (she claims she needs loads of space) and she is in tears at work because of the way he treats her at home.

Toucan_Pecan

marisco wrote: »

This statement speaks volumes about your friends current state of mind. Anyone capable of applying logic and reasoning would accept, that healthy worthwhile relationships would not be like the one he is in. From what you have described he comes across as being seriously depressed and in need of professional help. I hope he soon comes to realise that and wishes to improve his life by seeking it out.

Yes, I think he is very down... his gf is actually a therapist....

GobbledyGook

Absolutely not. My parents were married for around 15 years (I'm not sure how long they were together before that maybe 2 or 3 years). There was violence, abuse, drinking, drugs, endless fighting and poverty (mostly due to the drink and drugs). I can honestly say I don't have a single memory of them being happy together.

They only got married because someone asked my mother 'will you and X get married?' and when she replied 'I don't think so' my father managed to twist that into her not loving him, planning on leaving him etc so they married the next month to "prove" that she loved him.

They were both terrified to be on their own. She didn't think anyone else would want her and being unhappy but with someone was (for some reason) way better than being single. My Great Aunt says that my mother could be quite snooty about it. My Aunt divorced when her children were quite young and despite the fact she and her children had a much, much better life than we had my mother would be quite catty about how her marriage had lasted.

BigAunty

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

Yes, I think so too... Actually he is living off his savings for food, but she covers the rent (bills come under rent) as she lived there before him and hasn't asked that he contributes (this reminds me of the 'my gf doesn't pay rent' thread....

As long as they are both happy with the arrangement, then it's not an issue. The 'my gf doesn't pay rent' one relates to finances with conflict at its centre.

I've lived off my savings before with my partner paying all bills, then when my savings dwindled, I was given pocket money. My partner didn't want me to even spend a penny of my savings and refused an IOU but it would have made me feel like a scrounger.