Is length of relationship a sign of a good relationship?

Toucan_Pecan

GobbledyGook wrote: »

It doesn't matter if one is studying or anything imo. If they are both happy with one working/one at home then that's fine because it's about what works for them.

The couple I talked about - the one at home isn't studying. He just doesn't work in an actual job.

I think people see it as more unusual when it's a man who doesn't work. Several of my OH's colleagues have housewives and no-one really comments on it. With the guy who doesn't work people either don't understand why he doesn't want to work or because they are a same-sex couple make comments about him being the woman of the pair :mad:

If the girlfriend is happy with his contribution to their household then it doesn't matter if he never wants to work for an employer. It's only an issue if, for example, she works full time and funds everything AND she has to do everything in the house.

If it's an agreement they have and it works then it's fine (and no-one else's business. If he's using her and doing nothing to contribute at all then it's not so fine...

I don't know if he's 'using' her, I think people have different definitions of 'using'? I think he pays for his own food only. I am not sure he contributes of 'household' things. I am wondering if this deal allows both people to remain somewhat emotionally distant? He told me that she is not happy and he is definitely miserable. I tried to convince him to go out and join my friends for a drink so he can meet new people and he declined as he felt he would have to deal with "what do you do?" questions...

GobbledyGook

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

I don't know if he's 'using' her, I think people have different definitions of 'using'? I think he pays for his own food only. I am not sure he contributes of 'household' things. I am wondering if this deal allows both people to remain somewhat emotionally distant? He told me that she is not happy and he is definitely miserable. I tried to convince him to go out and join my friends for a drink so he can meet new people and he declined as he felt he would have to deal with "what do you do?" questions...

For me if she was paying for everything and doing all the housework etc that would be using her. If she's paying for most things, but he contributes in other ways that could be a fair enough deal (I know I keep talking about them, but with the couple I know the one who has a job hates cooking and ironing and organising things like birthday pressents and the car mot etc so the fact his OH does all of that is worth loads to him).

If he's not happy with the "what do you do?" question it could be for a few reasons. One could be people's reactions - it's not seen as very "manly" not to work. However it could be because he's not happy with it himself.

One thing that strikes me is that if he doesn't socialise much and his OH works full time he could be very lonely and that could be a contributor to/part of being depressed? He sounds quite isolated.

It'd be very easy to say "man up, get a job and get out more", but it may not be that simple for him.

Toucan_Pecan

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Course he's scared. He's scared he might have to become a man at some stage of his life.


Why do you want to remain friends with him? He's going to turn her into a worn out husk of a woman in the end, and he knows it. And doesn't care.

I don't know, he says he cares and that they are both "okay" with the situation, but I suppose really caring for someone would involve taking responsibility and recognising when you're harming one another over the long term....?

Toucan_Pecan

GobbledyGook wrote: »

For me if she was paying for everything and doing all the housework etc that would be using her. If she's paying for most things, but he contributes in other ways that could be a fair enough deal (I know I keep talking about them, but with the couple I know the one who has a job hates cooking and ironing and organising things like birthday pressents and the car mot etc so the fact his OH does all of that is worth loads to him).

If he's not happy with the "what do you do?" question it could be for a few reasons. One could be people's reactions - it's not seen as very "manly" not to work. However it could be because he's not happy with it himself.

One thing that strikes me is that if he doesn't socialise much and his OH works full time he could be very lonely and that could be a contributor to/part of being depressed? He sounds quite isolated.

It'd be very easy to say "man up, get a job and get out more", but it may not be that simple for him.

It's interesting you talk about "manning up" he is very interested in working out and eats a lot of protein to bulk up so I think it is very important for him to appear masculine on the outside, maybe to compensate for those judgements of people? I suppose if he doesn't socialise he never has to challenge his way of living? Oh and I think he might do the dishes but has never bought anyone a birthday card or present before in his life... he doesn't believe in doing that.

BigAunty

FBaby wrote: »

If she's a therapist, she should know that he doesn't really love her, so ultimately, it is up to her.

Could be a touch of 'physician, heal thyself' - being a therapist doesn't necessarily mean having exemplary insight into your own relationships and place in the world.

Freud, for example, was instrumental as an inspiration for psychoanalysis but the types of patriarchal attitudes of his era is embedded into his work.

Some say that his views on female sexuality were so antiquated as to make his legacy useless and that the types of fantasies and hysteria he ascribed to the traumas in his female patients were in fact female victims of actual domestic violence and sexual abuse, not just in their heads at all.

GobbledyGook

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

It's interesting you talk about "manning up" he is very interested in working out and eats a lot of protein to bulk up so I think it is very important for him to appear masculine on the outside, maybe to compensate for those judgements of people? I suppose if he doesn't socialise he never has to challenge his way of living? Oh and I think he might do the dishes but has never bought anyone a birthday card or present before in his life... he doesn't believe in doing that.

"manning up" is something my friend gets thrown at him quite a lot. Thankfully he's fully happy with, and confident in, their relationship and choices so he can just shrug it off.

It could be a way of compensating if he has had grief for it. It must be tiring constantly having to defend your way of living. Especially if both people are happy with it and it's just 'outsiders' who seem to think it's odd/wrong. If you have too much time to dwell on it or are the kind of person to take what other people think to heart it could be troubling (I struggle going against the tide even if I'm sure I'm making a right choice because I sometimes don't have a lot of confidence in my own judgement).

BigAunty

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

..Then to make things more confusing he has said that if they do break up he would like to continue living with her but pay rent as he trusts her to be his flatmate (he doesn't want to live with random people).

He's really stuck, isn't he? Almost stuck in that house, too, if it seems he will resist moving out if their relationship ends.

You later said he made an excuse why not to meet new people, on the grounds that he would have to admit to not having a job. Any chance he's agorophobic or does he get out and about? Agorophobia isn't just a fear of outside open spaces but some sufferers only feel comfortable in a few 'safe' spaces or where someone accompanies them.

To be honest, I just think his lack of employment and financial dependency means that his world is really small and his horizons really low.

If the only way he can stomach living off his girlfriend and feign a contribution is by paying a small sum of money for his food each week (£15-30?), then he'll want to eke out his savings by cutting down on social expenses and having cheap interests (like reading and working out can be if libraries, online articles, pirate online books, cheap gym membership allows).

Toucan_Pecan

GobbledyGook wrote: »

"manning up" is something my friend gets thrown at him quite a lot. Thankfully he's fully happy with, and confident in, their relationship and choices so he can just shrug it off.

It could be a way of compensating if he has had grief for it. It must be tiring constantly having to defend your way of living. Especially if both people are happy with it and it's just 'outsiders' who seem to think it's odd/wrong. If you have too much time to dwell on it or are the kind of person to take what other people think to heart it could be troubling (I struggle going against the tide even if I'm sure I'm making a right choice because I sometimes don't have a lot of confidence in my own judgement).

I do understand... but would this mean having to stay away from everyone for fear of being judged? It's quite a strong response!

Toucan_Pecan

BigAunty wrote: »

He's really stuck, isn't he? Almost stuck in that house, too, if it seems he will resist moving out if their relationship ends.

You later said he made an excuse why not to meet new people, on the grounds that he would have to admit to not having a job. Any chance he's agorophobic or does he get out and about? Agorophobia isn't just a fear of outside open spaces but some sufferers only feel comfortable in a few 'safe' spaces or where someone accompanies them.

To be honest, I just think his lack of employment and financial dependency means that his world is really small and his horizons really low.

If the only way he can stomach living off his girlfriend and feign a contribution is by paying a small sum of money for his food each week (£15-30?), then he'll want to eke out his savings by cutting down on social expenses and having cheap interests (like reading and working out can be if libraries, online articles, pirate online books, cheap gym membership allows).

He can move back with his mum, but they don't really get on! He does visit museums, the library and parks and actually how funny he does all the things you suggested! That is exactly how he lives his life!

GobbledyGook

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

I do understand... but would this mean having to stay away from everyone for fear of being judged? It's quite a strong response!

It is, but if it has built up over time it could be.

Of course he could also just have no interest in meeting people.

It's hard to tell with people sometimes if they are just that kind of person or if they're in a real low rut.