Is length of relationship a sign of a good relationship?

moneyistooshorttomention

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

They don't seem to be unhappy in a raging anger sort of way, he seems full of despair... I find it hard because I feel like moralizing a bit (as in, "do something!") but also sympathetic!

Can't say I'd be sympathetic personally, as he has admitted to not paying any of the rent.

It might be one thing if she owned her place and the costs on it were a mortgage (in which case she might not want him involved in that), but he should be paying a fair share of the rent to her. Yep...I know the DWP wouldn't give him benefit to cover that, because they would be deemed "man and wife"...well that's another reason for him to get a job.

Can't understand why she stays in the relationship though.

Back when I was younger I would never stay in a relationship I didn't want to just for the sake of avoiding being on my own, but it was always clear to me that some people of both sexes want a relationship just for the sake of it (rather than because they want to be with that particular person iyswim).

BigAunty

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

They don't seem to be unhappy in a raging anger sort of way, he seems full of despair... I find it hard because I feel like moralizing a bit (as in, "do something!") but also sympathetic!

By the sounds of it, he found your advice and observations to be unwanted and offensive - even positive support and advice can be repelled.

Perhaps the despair is due to joblessness rather than the relationship?- I think those without regular employment can pretty much atrophy and get depressed, their routines are destroyed, they lack social connections and pride, prone to sleeplessness and so on.

I once gave strong advice to a friend who chose to end our friendship but I guess it would have withered anyway because I used to run round trying to help her with her debts and job seeking only for her to disappear on luxury holidays shortly after saying she had no idea how she could pay her next mortgage payment.

So just be there for him, resist giving advice as it will be interpreted as judgements, however kindly intended.

Toucan_Pecan

BigAunty wrote: »

As long as they are both happy with the arrangement, then it's not an issue. The 'my gf doesn't pay rent' one relates to finances with conflict at its centre.

I've lived off my savings before with my partner paying all bills, then when my savings dwindled, I was given pocket money. My partner didn't want me to even spend a penny of my savings and refused an IOU but it would have made me feel like a scrounger.

The thing is I think him not working is the the reason why he isn't contributing and working might help him feel part of a social scene again in some way? There is no drive for him to work because he can afford to live rent free with his gf paying the rent.

I think these situations are private and negotiated but I don't think I could live with a partner for years rent free, I'd feel uncomfortable.

BigAunty

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

Yes, I think he is very down... his gf is actually a therapist....

but he would need independent counselling/therapy - from a professional viewpoint,she may understand his issues but she can't have a therapeutic relationship with him, its pointless and unethical.

Toucan_Pecan

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Can't say I'd be sympathetic personally, as he has admitted to not paying any of the rent.

It might be one thing if she owned her place and the costs on it were a mortgage (in which case she might not want him involved in that), but he should be paying a fair share of the rent to her. Yep...I know the DWP wouldn't give him benefit to cover that, because they would be deemed "man and wife"...well that's another reason for him to get a job.

Can't understand why she stays in the relationship though.

Back when I was younger I would never stay in a relationship I didn't want to just for the sake of avoiding being on my own, but it was always clear to me that some people of both sexes want a relationship just for the sake of it (rather than because they want to be with that particular person iyswim).

I think his gf is a very cautious person (Well, according to him...?), and I think she loves him very much (or is it dependency?), but he states he has never loved her only cared for her. He calls her a 'resting place' (which I would find offensive...!)... but also says that he cares for her very much and if she needed it he would give her his kidney. I mean the likelihood of the kidney transplant option is low (although he has told me she has an autoimmune disease that means she becomes deaf every so often... don't think that's kidney related), but I think he is sincere?

FBaby

The thing is, he might be unhappy in his relationship, but that might not be because of long term issues with the relationship, but issues with him that impacts on the relationship. Maybe he realises that if he could be happy within himself, he probably would be happy within his relationship. The fact that he said that it would be the same with anyone else makes me think that the issue is with him. Maybe he is depressed, suffers from low self-esteem, doesn't like the fact that he is dependent on his partner financially etc... Maybe there is more to it than what he shared.

BigAunty

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

The thing is I think him not working is the the reason why he isn't contributing and working might help him feel part of a social scene again in some way? There is no drive for him to work because he can afford to live rent free with his gf paying the rent.

I think these situations are private and negotiated but I don't think I could live with a partner for years rent free, I'd feel uncomfortable.

Yes, the lack of pressure on him to pay towards big household bills could be enabling his non employment (and perhaps his lack of employment has a psychological barrier to it, not just a dislike of employment).

I felt uncomfortable not contributing when my savings ran out but was repeatedly assured by my partner that it wasn't an issue. I also felt that I would have been equally as kind to them if the shoe was on the other foot. From our perspective, its temporary support, not exploitation.

I imagine our friends thought we had an odd imbalanced relationship (they probably would not have known that I spent my savings on household expenses) but not one of them queried or commented upon our old arrangement. If they had, I imagine both of us would have found it offensive, intrusive or embarrassing. My mother was quite nosey but we repelled her enquiries, we are quite adept at handling her negative and judgemental behaviour without feeling insulted.

But why you seem to be very supportive and concerned about your friend, wishing him happiness and encouraging him to change, I do worry that you inadvertently sent him a message that 'Your relationship is terrible and you are a scrounger, get a job, stop wasting your time', all of which he would be very sensitive about, even if your underlying message is correct.

BigAunty

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

I think his gf is a very cautious person (Well, according to him...?), and I think she loves him very much (or is it dependency?), but he states he has never loved her only cared for her. He calls her a 'resting place' (which I would find offensive...!)... but also says that he cares for her very much and if she needed it he would give her his kidney. I mean the likelihood of the kidney transplant option is low (although he has told me she has an autoimmune disease that means she becomes deaf every so often... don't think that's kidney related), but I think he is sincere?

oh, gawd, that sounds very bad indeed - love needs to be at the very centre of the relationship and the relationship needs to have balance in terms of equality of investment in it. It sounds desparately uneven.

Talk of donating a kidney as a measure of care is just stupid. Chances are he's not even a match.

How does he spend his time? Does he have a major hobby or interest?

AubreyMac

My parents have been married over 40 years and are miserable to the point where they have separate bedrooms for half that time.

Seriously, I think they're just waiting for each other to die to get some relief.

They won't separate or divorce as their religion doesn't allow it.

Toucan_Pecan

BigAunty wrote: »

But why you seem to be very supportive and concerned about your friend, wishing him happiness and encouraging him to change, I do worry that you inadvertently sent him a message that 'Your relationship is terrible and you are a scrounger, get a job, stop wasting your time', all of which he would be very sensitive about, even if your underlying message is correct.

Oh God, maybe! I think I was slightly put off by the fact he called his gf a 'resting place' when from what he says she loves him.... the imbalances in the relationship began to stand out to me. I honestly don't think he ever wants to work, but will have to do so begrudgingly. Money is very important to him as it represents security. He has told me that if he had to pay rent, he would not have stayed in the relationship for years that his "gf gets companionship" and he is "able choose what to do with his time, such as read or work out". It really is a confusing situation, because I feel like he would like help, but leaving the relationship would mean having to acknowledge that he was unhappy and didn't work for 5 years... I think really having to confront that is hard for him. Then to make things more confusing he has said that if they do break up he would like to continue living with her but pay rent as he trusts her to be his flatmate (he doesn't want to live with random people).