Is length of relationship a sign of a good relationship?

Toucan_Pecan

GobbledyGook wrote: »

It is, but if it has built up over time it could be.

Of course he could also just have no interest in meeting people.

It's hard to tell with people sometimes if they are just that kind of person or if they're in a real low rut.

He will socialize with his brother's co-workers if his brother has a house gathering (a lot of alcohol is involved).

skattykatty

Of course no one understands him...that would mean that there is a relationship there and I think it's already been said there is no relationship-not with her, not with you. He has shut himself off from the cut and thrust of life, from passion and vitality. He is bulking up on the outside and withering away on the inside. He is in control of his body but, in his mind, not in control of his life so he doesn't have to take responsibility. What a total bind.

BigAunty

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I think people see it as more unusual when it's a man who doesn't work. Several of my OH's colleagues have housewives and no-one really comments on it. With the guy who doesn't work people either don't understand why he doesn't want to work or because they are a same-sex couple make comments about him being the woman of the pair :mad:

...

I agree there is dual standards but when a woman stays at home, it is often because there are child-rearing responsibilities - stay at home mum. I don't know any women in my social circle who are childless and don't work.

It seems the OPs friend does feel self conscious about his lack of employment, seeing the potential judgements made as a hassle, but then he doesn't seem to redeem himself as there is no apparent health reasons, studying or care commitments to prevent this. So its not necessarily that he is a man that is going to cause him grief but because he's not got a valid excuse to be unemployed, its a lifestyle preference.

I'm female and I expected to have to justify myself when I was out of employment for a long period but fortunately didn't receive particularly any intrusive enquiries or the need to justify myself but I did anticipate it.

BigAunty

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

...It really is a confusing situation, because I feel like he would like help, but leaving the relationship would mean having to acknowledge that he was unhappy and didn't work for 5 years... I think really having to confront that is hard for him. .

Yes, he's in a rut, without an ultimatum by her or running out of savings for him, there's nothing to force a change, plus he seems to think that his non-employment is by choice (but perhaps there are barriers into employment, emotional, psychological, to do with confidence or the fact that he's got a massive hole in his CV that employers will find very unsatisfactory).

I've indicated before that even the most constructive and sensitively put suggestions could be very hurtful to him. He's in a state of flux - he wants to be funded and is against employment but the lifestyle is actually quite tedious to him, hence why he is stuck.

But perhaps you could remind him that he is putting his state pension at risk which now requires 35 years of contributions to get in full. He can voluntarily pay back some missing years but has to do this within 6 years so has to knuckle down now to replace the initial period out of employment.

Toucan_Pecan

skattykatty wrote: »

Of course no one understands him...that would mean that there is a relationship there and I think it's already been said there is no relationship-not with her, not with you. He has shut himself off from the cut and thrust of life, from passion and vitality. He is bulking up on the outside and withering away on the inside. He is in control of his body but, in his mind, not in control of his life so he doesn't have to take responsibility. What a total bind.

Yes, I see how that can be... I would tease him about the working out and he became really adamant that he wants to appear sexually attractive to women and he gets looks that make him feel good about himself if he works out (although of course he doesn't do anything with these women).

marisco_2

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

I don't think his gf has given up hope of having children with him.

Is she not aware then that her long term partner doesn't want children, or of just how miserable he is feeling? To be holding out to one day have a baby with this man, she clearly isn't even on the same page with him over their relationship, which is very concerning. In a healthy partnership, regardless of how long you have been together, communication needs to be open, honest and clear.

A couple cant be afraid to have certain conversations. It is far better to talk and find out the truth, than to keep going and get nowhere. You cant expect important people in your life to read your mind, and shouldn't play foolish games with their lives. If you tell half-truths and string someone along that is no better than living a lie.

Toucan_Pecan

marisco wrote: »

Is she not aware then that her long term partner doesn't want children, or of just how miserable he is feeling? To be holding out to one day have a baby with this man, she clearly isn't even on the same page with him over their relationship, which is very concerning. In a healthy partnership, regardless of how long you have been together, communication needs to be open, honest and clear.

A couple cant be afraid to have certain conversations. It is far better to talk and find out the truth, than to keep going and get nowhere. You cant expect important people in your life to read your mind, and shouldn't play foolish games with their lives. If you tell half-truths and string someone along that is no better than living a lie.

He said that he has been completely clear about it, but when they lying down together she will tell him about what she would like to happen, how she would like to marry him etc... I think she is very hopeful he will change... she is 40 now and he is in his 30s...

GobbledyGook

BigAunty wrote: »

I agree there is dual standards but when a woman stays at home, it is often because there are child-rearing responsibilities - stay at home mum. I don't know any women in my social circle who are childless and don't work.

It seems the OPs friend does feel self conscious about his lack of employment, seeing the potential judgements made as a hassle, but then he doesn't seem to redeem himself as there is no apparent health reasons, studying or care commitments to prevent this. So its not necessarily that he is a man that is going to cause him grief but because he's not got a valid excuse to be unemployed, its a lifestyle preference.

I'm female and I expected to have to justify myself when I was out of employment for a long period but fortunately didn't receive particularly any intrusive enquiries or the need to justify myself but I did anticipate it.

The thing is the very fact we use phrases like "redeem himself" potentially shows why he's resistant to meet people who may judge him.

If within a couple they are happy for one person to work and one to take on the household responsibilities why should they feel the need to cite studying or health issues to make their lifestyle choices acceptable.

The only people who need a valid excuse to be unemployed are, imo, those who expect the state to fund them. If within your household you are happy for one person not to work that's entirely your business. The only person who has the right to say to him "you need to get a job" is his girlfriend because she's the only one who is actually affected, financially, by his unemployment.

GobbledyGook

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

He will socialize with his brother's co-workers if his brother has a house gathering (a lot of alcohol is involved).

Maybe he doesn't want to meet your friends because he knows you think he should get a job and assume they'll be the same?

Toucan_Pecan

GobbledyGook wrote: »

The thing is the very fact we use phrases like "redeem himself" potentially shows why he's resistant to meet people who may judge him.

If within a couple they are happy for one person to work and one to take on the household responsibilities why should they feel the need to cite studying or health issues to make their lifestyle choices acceptable.

The only people who need a valid excuse to be unemployed are, imo, those who expect the state to fund them. If within your household you are happy for one person not to work that's entirely your business. The only person who has the right to say to him "you need to get a job" is his girlfriend because she's the only one who is actually affected, financially, by his unemployment.

But I wonder if she is terrified he will leave her if she does this....?