Is length of relationship a sign of a good relationship?

FBaby

They won't separate or divorce as their religion doesn't allow it.

Or quite often, the main earner is not prepared to take the risk to lose half of what they considered they have built themselves, whilst the other doesn't have to lose the comfortable lifestyle knowing they could afford it on their own.

FBaby

So he stays with her because of the life he has with her(ie. not having to work, companionship, decent lifestyle), and she stays with him because she loves him. Why not, in the end, it's all about choices. Either could decide it isn't good enough at any time and go. If she's a therapist, she should know that he doesn't really love her, so ultimately, it is up to her.

Toucan_Pecan

FBaby wrote: »

So he stays with her because of the life he has with her(ie. not having to work, companionship, decent lifestyle), and she stays with him because she loves him. Why not, in the end, it's all about choices. Either could decide it isn't good enough at any time and go. If she's a therapist, she should know that he doesn't really love her, so ultimately, it is up to her.

Well he disclosed to me he is absolutely miserable... that's what prompted me to suggest to him that perhaps a lifestyle change is in order.

GobbledyGook

I think we have to be careful not to assume that because he doesn't work that's automatically a bad thing.

We have friends where one works in a high pressure environment and the other doesn't work and does absolutely everything in the home - cooking, cleaning, shopping, paying bills, even down to sorting all birthday cards/presents (the worker is one of 11 and has an endless stream of nieces and nephews), sorting car servicing etc etc. In many ways like an old-fashioned housewife - one goes out to work, the other does everything at home. It works well for them and they're both happy with it.

Not working as a lifestyle choice when you have a partner isn't always a case of being lazy - it can be an active choice that suits their unit. It's only an issue when one part of a couple is unhappy with it.

skattykatty

To answer your question: no!

It sounds very unsatisfactory all round BUT as long as they are both getting something out of it (rent-free living, companionship) nothing will change. When you challenge it, it's an opportunity for him to become more entrenched in his current position. He will bat back every suggestion you make, which is frustrating. He sounds like a very fearful, defensive, person living a small, constricted, life.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

So, he's using her. He doesn't need to get a job whilst she's there to pick up the rent, she represents nearly his entire human contact for the day, he gets his vital long term relationship. Could it be that he makes her feel like she's kicking a puppy, so she's guilt tripped into carrying on?


As he's so defensive, he's wanting to have a moan and whinge about how awful his life is, but with no intention of doing anything to change it. He probably talks to you because his partner won't indulge him and his passive aggressive whining any more.

She may very well be there out of guilt from previously not paying and now feels obliged because he's out of work. If he got a job, she might (in his mind as well as hers) realise that there's nothing holding her back anymore. So it's to his advantage to stay unemployed.


Anybody who doesn't really want anyone else but their partner is a very needy and dependent person. Otherwise he would still have friends and social contact away from her. And not for a moan up, for having fun.



One of the things my last ex would wail and gnash his teeth over when I finally got the bottle to ignore my feelings of guilt and try to encourage him to take some responsibility for himself (ie, get his own place, get a job, do something that didn't require my presence at all times, mean I could leave the house without weeks of grief for abandoning him, etc) was 'but after ALL this time? How can you want to throw that away?'. Didn't tell him (part of the feeling guilty enough as it was) that 'all that time' was 95% boredom, restriction, feeling used so he didn't have to be on his own, that he didn't really care who he was with as long as he was with somebody, and that he was using me rather than stand on his own two feet.

The day I finally had enough and made it clear it was over - and I had to lie and say I'd met somebody else, as it was the only way he'd leave me alone and stop phoning with more made up disasters - it took me hours to stop shaking. But the relief was incredible. I felt free for the first time in years. I was still worried that I was being really cruel, etc. But in the end, it was the best thing I ever did. He probably doesn't feel the same way, although if he's now with somebody else, he's probably telling them at length how awful I was to him and how I didn't value a long term relationship as I'd never been with someone for more than 4 years. Whatever. He's not my problem anymore.



There are no awards for being miserable for the longest period.


Try and keep a little distance, as if they do finally break up, he'll be looking for somebody else to pick up the pieces for him, whether as a partner or an easily manipulated friend.


TL;DR - You're right and he's wrong. But don't get dragged in.

Toucan_Pecan

skattykatty wrote: »

To answer your question: no!

It sounds very unsatisfactory all round BUT as long as they are both getting something out of it (rent-free living, companionship) nothing will change. When you challenge it, it's an opportunity for him to become more entrenched in his current position. He will bat back every suggestion you make, which is frustrating. He sounds like a very fearful, defensive, person living a small, constricted, life.

I think he's scared of something... and very entrenched in his view of things. I am not sure he will take advice from anyone because 'no one understands him'. To be honest I've never met anyone who h=can be as defensive as him over the long term... so I'd say it is a real problem. I don't think his gf has given up hope of having children with him.

Toucan_Pecan

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I think we have to be careful not to assume that because he doesn't work that's automatically a bad thing.

We have friends where one works in a high pressure environment and the other doesn't work and does absolutely everything in the home - cooking, cleaning, shopping, paying bills, even down to sorting all birthday cards/presents (the worker is one of 11 and has an endless stream of nieces and nephews), sorting car servicing etc etc. In many ways like an old-fashioned housewife - one goes out to work, the other does everything at home. It works well for them and they're both happy with it.

Not working as a lifestyle choice when you have a partner isn't always a case of being lazy - it can be an active choice that suits their unit. It's only an issue when one part of a couple is unhappy with it.

Oh sure, I understand - for instance if one partner is pursuing a degree or something... but I mean he reads a lot so I think he engages in self-development but without caring too much about earning certificates that can provide evidence for an employer. As I said I think he doesn't ever want to work.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

I think he's scared of something... and very entrenched in his view of things. I am not sure he will take advice from anyone because 'no one understands him'. To be honest I've never met anyone who h=can be as defensive as him over the long term... so I'd say it is a real problem. I don't think his gf has given up hope of having children with him.

Course he's scared. He's scared he might have to become a man at some stage of his life.


Why do you want to remain friends with him? He's going to turn her into a worn out husk of a woman in the end, and he knows it. And doesn't care.

GobbledyGook

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

Oh sure, I understand - for instance if one partner is pursuing a degree or something... but I mean he reads a lot so I think he engages in self-development but without caring too much about earning certificates that can provide evidence for an employer. As I said I think he doesn't ever want to work.

It doesn't matter if one is studying or anything imo. If they are both happy with one working/one at home then that's fine because it's about what works for them.

The couple I talked about - the one at home isn't studying. He just doesn't work in an actual job.

I think people see it as more unusual when it's a man who doesn't work. Several of my OH's colleagues have housewives and no-one really comments on it. With the guy who doesn't work people either don't understand why he doesn't want to work or because they are a same-sex couple make comments about him being the woman of the pair :mad:

If the girlfriend is happy with his contribution to their household then it doesn't matter if he never wants to work for an employer. It's only an issue if, for example, she works full time and funds everything AND she has to do everything in the house.

If it's an agreement they have and it works then it's fine (and no-one else's business. If he's using her and doing nothing to contribute at all then it's not so fine...