Time to start out on my own

xJOJOx_2

I'm 31 with two young children. I work full time in a pub with accommodation.

For a long time, I've been living unhappy in my relationship. My husband is a drunk and verbally abusive when he's had too much too drink. After many rows, tears and changes for him to change, I finally hit my limit. It's time for me too leave.

However, in doing so I will have to give up my job and a commendation. There is no way I can continue with this job on my own, it's been really tough doing it with the baby with the minimum support I've been receiving.

Tonight I will have the talk. I cannot go on anymore. It's obvious in will never change (well for more than 3 days)

Tue I will have to talk to my boss and start trying to arrange a house and support. I have always worked so not sure what to do. I think I will have to give up the job and return to work when everything calmed down.

I don't know where to begin and the idea off doing it is really scary. This is the main reason I've held out so long. But I need to gain control of my life and move onwards.

Any help and advice from someone who has been in a similar situation would be most welcome x

3WayFreedom

Can I just say, you really are doing the right thing darling. No one deserves to be abused and especially having two young children, you don't want them growing up thinking this is the norm. Well done for making that decision.... it's a hard one, I know as I have been there.

There will be tears, sadness and it is bloody hard work being a single mum but give it a few weeks and I promise you won't regret the move to strike out on your own... not one bit. You will wish you did it sooner.

This post may be better on the Family Thread of MSE... when I was considering leaving my verbally abusive Ex, I posted on there. Everybody was so lovely and supportive.... it was like having a good friend giving me the encouragement and support to move forward.

My advice to you would be... 1) Sort out your finances asap. If you cannot work due to having no childcare once you have moved out you will be entitled to Income Support, Child Tax Credits, Housing Benefit, Council Tax Rebate and Healthy Start vouchers... make sure you claim all those.
2) Make sure you move when it is safe to do so. I don't know what your partner is capable of as you know him best, but if he is the kind of man to 'flip' if he thinks you are leaving him... do it quickly, when he isn't around and make sure you delete any internet history so he doesn't find out that way.
3) If things do turn bad, just get out. Forget your possessions... they are replaceable. You and your children are not.... get the kids and go.
4) Always remember... you can and will survive and will go onto have a lot happier life than the one you are currently suffering under. Whether it's drunken verbal abuse or sober verbal abuse...the emotional scars are the same and you deserve better.

Good luck Jojo. xx

3WayFreedom

I was an unhappy SAHM living with my verbally abusive Ex in 2012... I now have my own place, I am working, I am two stone lighter, happier, relaxed, a better mother, with a new b/friend (who is an absolute sweetie) ... and life couldn't be much better. I wish you the same happiness and courage to go and get a happier life for you and your wee ones.
xx

solvencyseeker

I can't give practical advice (no experience) but I wanted to say well done you and very best wishes. Can't imagine how hard this must be but stick with your decision (it's the right thing to do) and stay strong.

Hope you have support to help you through this. Keep posting.
x

StanwithaPlan

You have made the best decision, please don't change your mind and give him yet one more chance to change, it's only delaying the inevitable which I am sure you know x

With regard to finding accommodation, moving on and in particular if things get nasty regarding the children I would strongly urge you now to tell your GP exactly the history and what has been happening/is happening so that it is in your notes, also ask them for help with referrals to agencies, food banks, anything that can help you move forward.

Please approach Womens Aid or your local refuge and the council for help with housing and benefits, you may not need a refuge but they can still help you with housing and although you may end up housed somewhere not particularly nice for a while and it may seem it's getting worse not better it's a start, as long as you are there as the constant for your children they will cope just fine and it won't be for long, they need you safe and happy

You are certainly resilliant to have managed in your situation for this long - the next phase of your life will be stressful but in a good way! Good luck x

cottage_retreatist

I don't have any advice I'm afraid JoJo but I can give support if and when required!

Good luck in your chat tonight, do you need to make sure you have someone close at hand in case your OH does get verbally aggressive (or worse - not saying he would but you never know)? Or somewhere you can decamp to if you need to move quickly?

all the best and massive hugs, let us know how it goes xx

xJOJOx_2

Thank you all for your kind words.

I've told him I want to separate, the main conversation will come when the daughter falls asleep though.

I'm not too worried about him being verbally aggressive, I'm use to it. There's nothing that can be said that, that he hasn't already. I know it deney it's cause off his drinking and try to say I've found someone else or sleeping with the lad I work with. I know he'll use his daughter as emotional blackmail. Things he doesn't remenber saying or he doesn't like that he said will be denied, he'll just deny everything saying he didn't say it.

He'll properly try and lay low and try and wait for the storm to past as it normally does. But I determined to go through with it, I can't keep going on this way. I've tried every each way to improve things, it's never going to happen. As he realises i really mean it that's when he'll kick off, turn things around so I'm the bad one. As he's such a good one and I'm lucky to have him, in people's eye, that makes it harder. No one knows what he's like and no one understands. When I try and speak to people about it, they don't believe me or comprehend the situation.

No one should be scared when their partner is having a drink cause you don't know what he's going to be like later. Been feeling so trapped. Feel guilty on my boss as well. He's a great guy whom I been working for 11 years and given me great opportunities. My husband now works for him too, so it put him in a awkward position. However, I cannot continue with the job and raise the kids as well. The demands and around the clock time it requires just isn't possible. I know I have to wait til Tuesday til council offices open and I don't know how long it will take too they rehouse me.

I've posted my story here as debt free as felt like a home. And this will be the beginning and ending on my debt free journey. Once I move out and get sorted, it all be about budgeting and paying the rest off my debts.

I don't mind if the post is moved but don't know how to do it myself :-)

I've looked at benefits today and worked out a rough budget. I won't feel any difference from his pocket as all he gives is £50 a week which paid towards the holiday. But I get a lot off freebies with the job so that will make a difference.

QuietOne

You will get through it, what you need to do now is focus on your daughter and yourself. This will be the hardest part but when you find accommodation and get some income, it will get easier. Once you become debt free, you and your daughter deserve a well earned holiday.

By the looks of it you have a lot of members here that will support you along the way so I'm sure you will be just fine

xJOJOx_2

Funny enough I have a holiday paid for already in august, that was part off my debt free plan, to pay for holiday in advance rather than put it on a c/c.

Will have to see how it pans out as obviously he was meant to be going too. It will be nice though as my best friend is going so there be some company and a helping hand too.

xJOJOx_2

Well we had the talk.

Went surprising well, but then he hasn't had a drink today. He had a few digs, but nothing I can't shake off. Think he's trying to put me off by trying to overwhelm me. But my mind is set.

May be harder times ahead, the days he drinks he may start shouting etc etc as it's going to take a little while to get a house.

He asked what I'm taking with me and I said just the things I've paid for and what are mine ; which isn't a lot basically I'll have a double bed wardrobes for me, a dinning table and chairs and a few little bits. Will need to source everything else. I have no money and don't want to increase my debt. I'm willing to write a lot off to make this translation as easy as possible.

Need to decide what to do re holiday. He still wants us all to go, don't know if it's best just to give it him maybe get a few pounds refund for mine.

He tried to ask for the kids to stay with him and imply I only wanted them to get a house. Which is a joke. He never sees the kids and kicks off when he has to have them while I work. I have to drag him up from the bar everyday for him just to spend a hour with them and then he normally goes back down.

Tue will go council and ring up working tax credits as a start.

Need to write a list off stuff I'm going to need!

sazaccount

Hi JoJo, I can't really offer any advise on the relationship side. but i'm glad you've had the conversation with your oh now.

Just on the point of household things, don't worry too much about different items as long as you have a bed you and the lo can sleep in everything else can be found from freegle/facebook selling pages even family (most people have a spare something that is just taking space and will be happy to part with). Just have a look around you would be surprised at the amount of furniture that you will be able to find

Good Luck!!