Have I right to ask the ex to meet the girlfriend

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
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  • swingalooswingaloo Forumite
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    NYGiants wrote: »
    To answer the original question..

    Yes you have every right to ask, but don't expect him to jump to your demands.

    You are no longer in a relationship with your ex so you can't expect to try and control him through your child.


    Since when has being concerned about your childs welfare and taking steps to safeguard your child been 'controlling your ex'.

    I have a neighbour who is in a relationship with a man who has a 3 year old child by his previous partner. This neighbour has openly told me that she 'cant stand children but puts up with the brat because she loves her boyfriend'. This child spends Saturdays with his dad and of course now he is in a relationship with my neighbour the child spends Saturday night next door but one to me at my neighbours house. The childs mother works at the local Sainsburys with my cousin and by all accounts her ex is a 'great father who has his son for the night every week!

    Now I know that almost every Saturday night this 'great father' and my neighbour go out and leave his child in the care of another neighbours 14 year old daughter. Im sure that if the mother knew about this she wouldn't be happy to let her child spend the night at his dads new girlfriends.

    That's why I would never let any child of mine go on holiday with someone I hadn't met even in the company of my childs dad.
  • POPPYOSCARPOPPYOSCAR Forumite
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    I think it is a separate issue the child never having spent more than one night away then meeting the girlfriend.

    If the Op has issues with the father being able to take care of the child I do not see what difference meeting the girlfriend would make, she is not responsible for taking care of the child, the father is.
  • FBabyFBaby Forumite
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    The problem is that meeting between new and old partner very demands on the dynamic of the relationship between the partner and ex.

    Some pwc make it clear that they consider themselves the only worthy parent whilst the nrp is no more than a babysitter to her kids. They consider that as they are the pwc, they know better, are more capable and should ultimately decide on everything relating to the children. In these circumstances, I can understand the nrp and his new partner not wanting to meet with the pwc as this is likely to only be used as an opportunity to find faults with the new partner and make contact difficult.

    I'm not saying that is your case OP as we don't know you, but you do come across a bit as if you believe that you should have the ultimate say about everything relating to your children. Maybe there are very good reasons you should feel like this and why you wouldn't trust you ex at all, including his choice of girlfriends but ultimately, what are you expecting from this meeting? What if you decide you don't like how she dresses, speaks, if she's not friendly to you, seem to young to be responsible, what will you do? Tell you ex that he can't take your boy away just because you decided in 10 minutes that his girlfriend didn't meet your expecations?
  • cazziebocazziebo Forumite
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    welshone1 wrote: »
    I would just like to confirm that people who have mentioned if the shoe was on the other the foot, i would expect the same question asked and in which it was and i agreed. This post was about my son going away with his Dad and a gf that i know nothing about and ABROAD. Im sure if the negative people who have posted on here were in the same boat they would re think slighty. And if not i would then be a little worried.

    I have been in exactly that situation. I wasn't happy about it but I have to recognise that my ex is my children's father and as such has a right to a relationship with them. I'm quite sure if I'd met the girlfriend in these early days I wouldn't have liked her. I'd decided she was evil. I was so wrong - she is a lovely woman who my children grew to love and admire.

    He wasn't a great dad when the girls were young. He couldn't cope with tantrums and homesickness and the rest. He became a great dad as they got older. Also, he was a great support during the terrible teenage years.

    OP, don't look for reasons for your son not to have a relationship with his dad. Look for ways to encourage it and make it happen
  • edited 1 May 2014 at 7:29PM
    iammumtooneiammumtoone Forumite
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    edited 1 May 2014 at 7:29PM
    cazziebo wrote: »

    He wasn't a great dad when the girls were young. He couldn't cope with tantrums and homesickness and the rest. He became a great dad as they got older. Also, he was a great support during the terrible teenage years.

    I think that could be the case with a few fathers, its certainly the case with my ex, however I know he loves our son and think like yours once ds gets older their relationship will be a lot better.

    However the child the OP is talking about is only 7.
  • POPPYOSCARPOPPYOSCAR Forumite
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    cazziebo wrote: »
    I have been in exactly that situation. I wasn't happy about it but I have to recognise that my ex is my children's father and as such has a right to a relationship with them. I'm quite sure if I'd met the girlfriend in these early days I wouldn't have liked her. I'd decided she was evil. I was so wrong - she is a lovely woman who my children grew to love and admire.

    He wasn't a great dad when the girls were young. He couldn't cope with tantrums and homesickness and the rest. He became a great dad as they got older. Also, he was a great support during the terrible teenage years.

    OP, don't look for reasons for your son not to have a relationship with his dad. Look for ways to encourage it and make it happen


    Great post.

    For me the teenage years are the worst!

    I think you have to try and have a 'united front' however difficult it may be as children soon learn to play one parent off against the other.
  • OP does your son like his dad's new gf? I presume he knows her quite well. You don't mention any relationship between your son and the gf.
  • POPPYOSCARPOPPYOSCAR Forumite
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    Op says in post 16 that the Girlfriend is sometimes there on a sunday and that he says she is nice.
  • FBabyFBaby Forumite
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    Just notice that you mentioned your child's age on the first page. If he is 7, he is old enough to be safe from the worse dangers. He is also at an age where he can use a phone. Will you ex be ok if you asked to call your son to talk to him every evenings to start with and then every two days? Wouldn't that be enough?

    I can understand the anxiety if we were talking about a child not old enough to be able to express unhappiness on the phone but at 7, he is at an age where anxieties about being away are much reduced.
  • ZiggazeeZiggazee Forumite
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    No, I don't think you have any right to meet the new girlfriend. What matters is that your child knows her.....not you......and you've already said that he has met her on numerous occasions.

    Let go love......let go. You can't control this man anymore!!
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