Separating - am I entitled to anything?

Nicki

thriftyemma wrote: »

Fivetide. This is not a decision I am making lightly. I have complex mental health issues, which affect my daily life. I am utterly heartbroken at the thought of leaving my babies, but it is best all round if I do.I understand there will be a huge emotional fallout from my actions, but I believe this way is the lesser of two evils. But that is not what I am seeking advice on.

I've been where you are now thriftyemma and thought the same thing. This was 10 years ago but thankfully I didn't leave, instead I went into hospital for a protracted period, and am now happy at home with happy kids and happy husband.

You are proposing a HUGE decision affecting not just you but your whole family at a time when you are most likely not best placed to take it but just feeling guilty for the effect your illness is having.

Please talk to your mental health team and to your partner about this. Really talk it through before you make any decisions. Consider all the options including hospital if warranted or even a trial separation to clear your head.

Recovery from mental ill health does take time - a lot of time - and while you are ill and while you are recovering are bad times to make any life changing decisions because by definition you are not thinking very clearly. Don't make the wrong decision for everyone for the right reasons.

From experience I can tell you that your very young children will not remember this period when you are better and they are older, but they will remember and live it every day if you leave now and come to regret this.

beckysbobbles1

I'm sorry but I am struggling with the fact that you want to effectively give your children away. What Mother would do that?

And now are you asking whether you will get a nice settlement out of this arrangement?

I really am trying not to boil! However, from what you have wrote you will not be entitled to anything and yes you should pay child maintainence.

If you have mental health issues then you should seek help and support from your GP and those close to you.

tomtontom

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

I'm sorry but I am struggling with the fact that you want to effectively give your children away. What Mother would do that?

And now are you asking whether you will get a nice settlement out of this arrangement?

I really am trying not to boil! However, from what you have wrote you will not be entitled to anything and yes you should pay child maintainence.

If you have mental health issues then you should seek help and support from your GP and those close to you.

You obviously have no idea of how mental health issues can affect a person. Maybe the OP is a bad mother, or more likely she is very unwell at the moment and her thought processes are skewed and irrational.

thriftyemma, I can't tell you whether leaving is the best thing to do or not. As with others though I would suggest talking it through with someone impartial. I wish you and your family the best for the future, wherever that may be.

lostinrates

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

I'm sorry but I am struggling with the fact that you want to effectively give your children away. What Mother would do that?

And now are you asking whether you will get a nice settlement out of this arrangement?

I really am trying not to boil! However, from what you have wrote you will not be entitled to anything and yes you should pay child maintainence.

If you have mental health issues then you should seek help and support from your GP and those close to you.

What mother would do that? One who is desperate and loving.


OP, I hope you get the support you need as your first line. Nicki's advice seems sound. If healthcare proves insufficient then you can leave after than point. PpBut it WOULD be worth trying first, for all of you.

Do you have a support worker/good mental health care as it stands?

CRANKY40

People who are awful mothers never actually think that they are. The stressed, anxious worried hoping for the best ones on the other hand....

Blackpool_Saver

I am not convinced about any of this. I have a friend who thought she was unfit due to mental health issues, it turned out that she wasn't it was the husbands gaslighting and abuse that was making her ill. Once away she was fine and kids now reside with her.

Second issue: All the years you were home maker and child raiser enabled the husband to be able to work and further his career, and pay off his mortgage. So yes you should get a settlement either way.

thorsoak

thriftyemma wrote: »

It has taken me a while to gather myself up to reply to everyone. My mental health issues are too long and complex to fully explain here. To sum it up as briefly as I can, I would say I am an awful mother, and I think my children would be better off without my negative influence in their lives. I would say in most cases, children need their parents. But in my case, I want to leave before I do any more damage.

I am not looking for people to placate me, to try and reassure me I am a wonderful mother. If I could just show you a day in my life, you might understand just how toxic our home life is. My children deserve a happy, healthy home. And I am not able to give that to them. However, I do agree with those that say I need to speak to my doctor. I know the problem lies with me, and I need to do what I can to fix it.

I Love my OH and my children so very much. If I did't have the mental health issues, life would be very different. But I can't just magic those problems away. As it stands, I am not fit to be their mother, or OH's girlfriend.

The situation with my parents is difficult. If I had to, I know my parents would be able to give me a room. But they would not approve, and would definitely let me know! They would not be supportive, so staying with them for a 'trial separation' would not really be an option.

I know leaving would put my OH in a difficult position in terms of finding childcare etc. I do not want to put him in that position, and would not dream of asking for half of everything he's got. I am just terrified of starting again with literally nothing.

Thank you everyone for your replies so far. It is good to get an understanding of how JSA, HB and generally living alone would work.

Emma first of all - thank you for coming back and responding to our posts. I've read this latest post very carefully, and gone back and read the first post again, and I can empathise with you.

Do you have a mental health support team? If not, have you spoken to your doctor and/or health visitor? There is a lot of help out there for you.

As you are the home care-giver at the moment, with three children under the age of 6, you are under an awful lot of pressure, getting them to and from school/nursery etc, taking care of the house/cooking/shopping - and it isn't hard to imagine that you think of yourself as a bad mother, when in fact, you are the absolute centre of your children's lives.

I know that there were times when my children were small and we were living in absolute chaos, trying to renovate a house that we were living in - and I would retreat into the bathroom, turn the taps on and howl with frustration, thinking that there never was a worse mother in the world. But the children survived ...as did I, the house gradually improved, and the world moved on.

Please, talk to your doctor, to your health visitor if she is approachable (I know that you can feel that some of them look down their noses at you!). There is help out there, and at the moment you need help. Don't bail out in sheer panic - please.

Talk to your OH - does he know that this is how you feel? Or would it be a total shock to him to find out that you think you are such a dreadful mother and wife?

I'm pretty sure that if you were to walk out on your family now, you wouldn't feel any better than you do now - you would just add to your feelings of inadequacy.

I keep repeating myself - talk to people - preferably in real life who will be able to help you to get the help you need. Come back here, we can give you encouragement. And, if after you've talked to everyone you still feel that you need to leave, then at the very least you will have made some plans.

Sending you positive vibes and thoughts.

hazyjo

thriftyemma, my BF has mental health issues and is now in a wonderful place mentally, physically, emotionally, etc. He has given up access to children and it absolutely tears him apart most days still. If I'd been in his life a few years ago, things would be very different now.

Know you weren't looking for advice as to that - but, trust me, being alone in a flat (at best probably) with no contact with your own family, struggling to afford to live is a very tough place to get out from. My BF only received HB/JSA for a year. Unfortunately the scale of his issues isn't enough to be 'signed off' (apparently, despite having had major breakdowns, bipolar disorder, etc) so we currently choose for him not to work (although that means no income). Now that he's away from some very bad influences and a very depressed life, he's a totally changed person. It's like he bursts with happiness most days. He makes a wonderful house husband and I don't have to lift a finger indoors.

Please try to work with doctors, etc before taking such a drastic step. Sometimes things are so fogged you don't see things logically.

Hugs.

Jx

CH27

thriftyemma wrote: »

It has taken me a while to gather myself up to reply to everyone. My mental health issues are too long and complex to fully explain here. To sum it up as briefly as I can, I would say I am an awful mother, and I think my children would be better off without my negative influence in their lives. I would say in most cases, children need their parents. But in my case, I want to leave before I do any more damage.

I am not looking for people to placate me, to try and reassure me I am a wonderful mother. If I could just show you a day in my life, you might understand just how toxic our home life is. My children deserve a happy, healthy home. And I am not able to give that to them. However, I do agree with those that say I need to speak to my doctor. I know the problem lies with me, and I need to do what I can to fix it.

I Love my OH and my children so very much. If I did't have the mental health issues, life would be very different. But I can't just magic those problems away. As it stands, I am not fit to be their mother, or OH's girlfriend.

The situation with my parents is difficult. If I had to, I know my parents would be able to give me a room. But they would not approve, and would definitely let me know! They would not be supportive, so staying with them for a 'trial separation' would not really be an option.

I know leaving would put my OH in a difficult position in terms of finding childcare etc. I do not want to put him in that position, and would not dream of asking for half of everything he's got. I am just terrified of starting again with literally nothing.

Thank you everyone for your replies so far. It is good to get an understanding of how JSA, HB and generally living alone would work.

Please get some more help & support.
You walking away won't make anyone happy & will very possibly make your mental health worse.
Living alone can be very isolating.

woodformoretrees

Emma,
Please ensure that your mental health workers are helping you to 100% of the ability that they have.
If you need to move out of the family home then please do that on a temporary basis and expect no help (the absent parent must financially support the main carer)
I hope you can find a position where you can enjoy and partake as much as is possible in your children's life. xx