Separating - am I entitled to anything?

thriftyemma

Thank you for all the useful links provided, that's this evening's reading sorted.

To those questioning why I think I am entitled to anything. I do not feel OH owes me anything, he has worked his butt off providing for our family. I do not want to leave him in a financial hell hole. But I do want to make sure I am not completely destitute. It seems if we were married, I would be entitled to something. I just wanted to check if the same were true for couples who cohabit. It appears not.

bagpussbear

My first reaction when I read your opening post OP, was outrage if I am honest. However, reading your explanation, I appreciate you have mental health issues, and no doubt are not taking the decision lightly.

You mention about getting a job, which suggests to me if you could be well enough to work, why do not not feel you are well enough to look after your children?

Please don't take any drastic action until you have spoken to your doctor, consultant, counsellor (whoever you are under) as could there be other ways to help you cope, different medication etc to assist you getting on with day to day life?

What you are proposing to do will have a major impact on your children, as you no doubt are aware. And no doubt your husband will be devastated.

Obviously I don't know the circumstances, and I am doing my best not to be judgemental here. But wonder, do you feel you could stay if there were adjustments at home eg. could hubby be more supportive in some ways, could he stay at home, and you go out to work.

Sorry, realise I am asking more questions than answering any you've asked!

thorsoak

You brought nothing into the relationship, you had three children, he worked his butt off providing for you all - and now that you want out of the relationship; now you want to leave him to still work his butt off to provide for your children (and pay for childcare as well) - and you wonder whether you are entitled to anything?

Emma - what would you think if someone asked you this question?

If you really want to leave your relationship and your children, then you have to start by standing on your own two feet.

Have you spoken to your doctor, or your health visitor about how you feel?

CH27

Have you got help & support for your mental health issues?
You are taking a huge, life changing decision for you & your children & need to be very sure about what you are doing.

mountainofdebt

Please don't think I'm judging you (because I'm not) but if it wasn't for your health issues would you still want to be with your OH?

Delree

This is the saddest thing I've read to date on these boards. No one here wins everyone loses. Mum, Dad, kids and tax payer who will now be supporting you.

Why not try a trial separation? You mentioned your parents. Why not stay with them for a couple of weeks and have no contact with home? Your husband can take leave. You might find that you miss them more than you ever thought and give you a whole new perspective on things before you take the nuclear option. How does that sound?

conradmum

Dear lord, the knives are out for the mother abandoning her children. Talk about double standards. How scathing would the same posters be about a man with mental health issues who thought his children were better off without him?

Anyway, as others have said, were you married you would be entitled to a lot more because the courts would recognise (though MSE posters may not) that you have been raising your OH's children for the last 7 years and so contributing to the household in a non-financial capacity. Were we to total up childcare for three children over their lives and housework etc no doubt it would add up to a considerable sum.

Although you aren't married, I believe the courts are now fairer to common-law spouses in these circumstances and I think another poster said something similar earlier.

You're better off getting advice from a family law solicitor than a public forum. Many offer half an hour free of charge. Or maybe talk to your local CAB. Have you spoken to your GP about how you're feeling generally? Good luck.

StuC75

Possibly so, had the thread been written just in Terms of Parent A & Parent B without determining the sex of either party then Im sure that most people would take the same view point.

Remember that either Parent may have become the 'Stay At Home Parent' and been supported by the other financially in that time - so who's to say the SAHP didn't receive money from the other as an allowance for that? Yes had Parent A worked then the household would have been financially better off on the whole.

I don't buy the 'Not worth working line' - In financial terms, (but I understand it from the benefit of time with the Children in those formative years). Especially when the OP is suggesting then being away from the children, meaning the other parent would then have childcare costs..

So it is unrealistic to expect the 'non contributing' parent to then want out, with a financial settlement whilst leaving the other parent to bring up the children in that house that they have already paid to provide(but have to remortgage to make the pay off), whilst with a changing financial situation..

conradmum wrote: »

Dear lord, the knives are out for the mother abandoning her children. Talk about double standards. How scathing would the same posters be about a man with mental health issues who thought his children were better off without him?

Anyway, as others have said, were you married you would be entitled to a lot more because the courts would recognise (though MSE posters may not) that you have been raising your OH's children for the last 7 years and so contributing to the household in a non-financial capacity. Were we to total up childcare for three children over their lives and housework etc no doubt it would add up to a considerable sum.

Although you aren't married, I believe the courts are now fairer to common-law spouses in these circumstances and I think another poster said something similar earlier.

You're better off getting advice from a family law solicitor than a public forum. Many offer half an hour free of charge. Or maybe talk to your local CAB. Have you spoken to your GP about how you're feeling generally? Good luck.

thriftyemma

It has taken me a while to gather myself up to reply to everyone. My mental health issues are too long and complex to fully explain here. To sum it up as briefly as I can, I would say I am an awful mother, and I think my children would be better off without my negative influence in their lives. I would say in most cases, children need their parents. But in my case, I want to leave before I do any more damage.

I am not looking for people to placate me, to try and reassure me I am a wonderful mother. If I could just show you a day in my life, you might understand just how toxic our home life is. My children deserve a happy, healthy home. And I am not able to give that to them. However, I do agree with those that say I need to speak to my doctor. I know the problem lies with me, and I need to do what I can to fix it.

I Love my OH and my children so very much. If I did't have the mental health issues, life would be very different. But I can't just magic those problems away. As it stands, I am not fit to be their mother, or OH's girlfriend.

The situation with my parents is difficult. If I had to, I know my parents would be able to give me a room. But they would not approve, and would definitely let me know! They would not be supportive, so staying with them for a 'trial separation' would not really be an option.

I know leaving would put my OH in a difficult position in terms of finding childcare etc. I do not want to put him in that position, and would not dream of asking for half of everything he's got. I am just terrified of starting again with literally nothing.

Thank you everyone for your replies so far. It is good to get an understanding of how JSA, HB and generally living alone would work.

fivetide

So it seems the root cause of things is the mental health problems.

How is starting again from scratch going to change that? It is good that you recognise that as the problem here and that tyou need to work with professionals on it. It is also notable that you want to do the right thing by your children and believe this is it but I think you need to ask how it will help with the mental health issues because that is what needs to happen.

Try speaking to your OH. Can you rent a small place somewhere where you can almost get respite without cutting off your family? I'm sure they'd like to support you and see you get well.

Best,

5t.