We’d like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum.

This is to keep it a safe and useful space for MoneySaving discussions. Threads that are – or become – political in nature may be removed in line with the Forum’s rules. Thank you for your understanding.

📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!

Should I stay or should I go?....

245

Comments

  • HPoirot
    HPoirot Posts: 1,022 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker Stoptober Survivor
    Is this really about your marriage or about a general dissatisfaction you have deep inside? In what way would your life be better living apart from your husband? Will the grass really be greener without him around the house?

    I agree with others, you seem to turn to each other first for support, your marriage has that solid foundation of understanding and support, what's there not to save in terms of romance and intimacy? I too would suggest you explore your feelings with counselling.
  • HPoirot
    HPoirot Posts: 1,022 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker Stoptober Survivor
    Thank you for your replies everyone.

    Yes, we do love each other, but I love him as a 'brother' figure and don't have any other feelings towards him or find him attractive and haven't for a long time.
    TBH, we probably should never have got married and I had doubts at the time, but I didn't want to upset anyone at the time (long story, with serious family illness a key part in the timing of our marriage) and thoughts feelings may change. He is my best friend and vice versa, but that is probably as it should've stayed. We get on and we have the wellbeing of our son foremost in our minds always, but that really is it.
    We don't even laugh together anymore without our son being involved or anything. We tried going out for dinner together a couple of times and it was painful. The silence was awkward and we both had nothing to say to each other and, I think, found each other's company really dull. We always had very little in common and now, I think that has proven to be difficult when it comes to making conversation and shared interests.

    I will always make sure he is ok, as I know he will me, but I just don't know how we can move forward in this. We are both emotional wrecks.

    I asked myself "If it wasn't for my son, would we still want to be together?" and the answer is "No."

    Thanks for the link to the blog tillyena, I read it with great interest and have bookmarked it.

    You are best friends and yet find nothing to say to each other? I would say, don't give it up without a fight, your situation seems ripe for counselling IMO.
  • lostinrates
    lostinrates Posts: 55,283 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
    HPoirot wrote: »
    You are best friends and yet find nothing to say to each other? I would say, don't give it up without a fight, your situation seems ripe for counselling IMO.

    This is exactly what I thought. And the earbashing any of my close friends would give me if They suspected I thought they were dull. :eek:
  • Don't guilt yourselves into staying together.

    It's better to be apart and get on well than be together and unhappy - you will adapt to being off duty some nights each week. Even get to enjoy it, as you get the best of both worlds.

    Keep talking and you'll be able to make something really positive out of the sad thing that is a marriage ending.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.
    colinw wrote: »
    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll :D
  • HPoirot
    HPoirot Posts: 1,022 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker Stoptober Survivor
    This is exactly what I thought. And the earbashing any of my close friends would give me if They suspected I thought they were dull. :eek:

    And the times I could have left OH because he grunts monosyllabic replies. ;)
  • victory
    victory Posts: 16,188 Forumite
    Is he your best friend because you don't have any other friends? Could you not go to playdates with your little one? Find some hobbies/interests/ other mums/ build up a network of friends so you have other people to chat to, rely on, trust, care about?
    misspiggy wrote: »
    I'm sure you're an angel in disguise Victory :)
  • lostinrates
    lostinrates Posts: 55,283 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
    Don't guilt yourselves into staying together.

    It's better to be apart and get on well than be together and unhappy - you will adapt to being off duty some nights each week. Even get to enjoy it, as you get the best of both worlds.

    Keep talking and you'll be able to make something really positive out of the sad thing that is a marriage ending.

    I think there is a huge difference ion being guilted into something and establishing a true picture.

    Does the person op describes sound like a best friend, for example? Its possible that going IS the right thing to do, but if op is describing her best friend as someone dull! her life of losing someone, marrying and having a child ( both in relatively recent history one presumes) seems there could be some ' stuff' to make clear with herself.

    Not least what we can, and should expect from others and importantly ourselves in difficult emotional times.


    Edit' op, however it turns out, I wish you all luck. :)
  • fivetide
    fivetide Posts: 3,811 Forumite
    Tenth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    HPoirot wrote: »
    You are best friends and yet find nothing to say to each other? I would say, don't give it up without a fight, your situation seems ripe for counselling IMO.

    Exactly what I was thinking reading this.

    On the plus side, it seems you will be able to work together for the sake of the wee one, that's good but I find it surprising that as best mates you don't laugh together.

    Have you spoken to your GP at all too? The unhappiness and crying also makes me concerned about depression, something one of my friends struggled with for a long period before actually understanding what was wrong.

    Good luck.
    What if there was no such thing as a rhetorical question?
  • Sorry, I've probably phrased it badly. We are best friends in the way that we would always be there for each other and would always want the other to be ok and happy, if you know what I mean. We would always help each other out. However, we have no interests (other than our son) in common; we don't like doing the same things for leisure time/activites and we generally have nothing to talk to each other about.
    He does not bore me as such, but I don't feel any 'other' connection to him, other than the father of my child and that we've been there for each other over the years, as you would a good friend.

    It's difficult to explain, I'm sorry if I'm not making it very clear.

    I do have other friends, but as happens with couples, most of our friends are couples who are 'our' friends.

    I am not under the illusion that the grass will be greener, far from it; in fact I am terrified about the whole prospect of being on my own and not seeing my son 24/7, but I don't think that is the right reasons for staying in a marriage - just because staying is easier.
  • fivetide
    fivetide Posts: 3,811 Forumite
    Tenth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    I am not under the illusion that the grass will be greener, far from it; in fact I am terrified about the whole prospect of being on my own and not seeing my son 24/7, but I don't think that is the right reasons for staying in a marriage - just because staying is easier.

    True.

    Get custody of the cool friends though ;)
    What if there was no such thing as a rhetorical question?
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

🚀 Getting Started

Hi new member!

Our Getting Started Guide will help you get the most out of the Forum

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 352.1K Banking & Borrowing
  • 253.6K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 454.2K Spending & Discounts
  • 245.1K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 600.8K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 177.5K Life & Family
  • 258.9K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 16.1K Discuss & Feedback
  • 37.6K Read-Only Boards

Is this how you want to be seen?

We see you are using a default avatar. It takes only a few seconds to pick a picture.