Should I stay or should I go?....

debtfreesomeday

I really need some advice...

Almost 5 months ago, me and my husband decided to separate. We love each other dearly as friends, but there is no 'spark', no intimacy, no passion and just having nothing to say to each other any more. The push came from me, as I was deeply unhappy, I didn't want to live with a husband who was nothing more than a housemate, but now I don't know what to do for the best.

We have a 3 year old son, whom we both adore, he is our world, and obviously we are doing whatever we can to make sure he is going to be ok. Unfortunately, we have been unable to sell our house quickly, so we are still sharing a house. We have no family locally to rely on and are very much alone in all of this, so weirdly, have been kind of 'supporting' each other through it all. My son only really has the pair of us too, we have no immediate family or friends that he sees regularly.

We have decided to buy properties local to each other for our son's sake, and have discussed, and agreed on a 50/50 shared parenting so that my son is with me for half the week and his Dad for the other half, with both of us 'popping in' and seeing him throughout the days he's not with us.

This is where the problem lies - the thought of being a day without seeing our son is cutting both of us up. Not knowing if he's ok when he wakes in the morning, or if he is poorly in the night, or giving him cuddles after work/nursery/school is a terrible thought and not one I know how to deal with. I'm choking back the tears just thinking of it.

The thing I'm struggling with is, do I ignore my feelings and stay together and live as housemates for the sake of our son? My husband would agree to this in a shot as he never really wanted to splti up. My thoughts on this though is that we're not really promoting a healthy relationship to our boy this way are we?
Or do we split, get our own places and learn to live with it? I can't eat, I can't sleep, I'm crying all the time, I don't know what to do.

Please help.

19lottie82

It sounds like a good idea in theory, but what happens if (when) one of you meets someone else? It will get really messy and this proposed situation can't realistically go on forever.

Alikay

Is there nothing you can do to try and save the marriage as a marriage rather than co-parenting housemates? Couples counselling, self-help books, weekend relationship workshops? Seems such a shame to seperate when nobody has done anything heinous and you still love each other.

CH27

debtfreesomeday wrote: »

I really need some advice...

Almost 5 months ago, me and my husband decided to separate. We love each other dearly as friends, but there is no 'spark', no intimacy, no passion and just having nothing to say to each other any more. The push came from me, as I was deeply unhappy, I didn't want to live with a husband who was nothing more than a housemate, but now I don't know what to do for the best.

We have a 3 year old son, whom we both adore, he is our world, and obviously we are doing whatever we can to make sure he is going to be ok. Unfortunately, we have been unable to sell our house quickly, so we are still sharing a house. We have no family locally to rely on and are very much alone in all of this, so weirdly, have been kind of 'supporting' each other through it all. My son only really has the pair of us too, we have no immediate family or friends that he sees regularly.

We have decided to buy properties local to each other for our son's sake, and have discussed, and agreed on a 50/50 shared parenting so that my son is with me for half the week and his Dad for the other half, with both of us 'popping in' and seeing him throughout the days he's not with us.

This is where the problem lies - the thought of being a day without seeing our son is cutting both of us up. Not knowing if he's ok when he wakes in the morning, or if he is poorly in the night, or giving him cuddles after work/nursery/school is a terrible thought and not one I know how to deal with. I'm choking back the tears just thinking of it.

The thing I'm struggling with is, do I ignore my feelings and stay together and live as housemates for the sake of our son? My husband would agree to this in a shot as he never really wanted to splti up. My thoughts on this though is that we're not really promoting a healthy relationship to our boy this way are we?
Or do we split, get our own places and learn to live with it? I can't eat, I can't sleep, I'm crying all the time, I don't know what to do.

Please help.

Are you 100% sure it is over?
Have you had any counselling or help?

tillyenna

I am young, and therefore not really the expert on this - but I'm pretty sure marriage isn't supposed to be about the 'spark' or the 'passion' as these will fade over time.


This awesome blog post has lots of swear words in it, but might be useful reading for you! http://www.renegademothering.com/2014/01/07/no-really-what-does-love-have-to-do-with-it/

pukkamum

I too wonder if you shouldn't at least try and give your relationship a chance.
You say there is no spark, intimacy, passion etc, well given you have a 3yr old that doesn't surprise me in the slightest.
I have 3 children and can honestly say the first 3 yrs of their life especially with the first is so all encompassing that your own relationship can end up on the back burner.
Talking becomes about the child/children, the house, money etc, you are tired and so your sex life can suffer, it can feel very much like you are just mum and dad as opposed to Bob and June and you lose sight of the passionate, loving couple you once were.

My suggestion would be to see if you can't rediscover the spark you obviously once had for each other.

When dh and I lose sight of us as a couple we go for a meal out and reminisce, we talk about when we met, what we first liked about each other, madcap adventures we had had etc.
Splitting up, although very hard, isn't as hard as keeping a marriage alive when it starts to dwindle.

justme111

Well given that neither of you can imagine a day without a child you will end up constantly being at each others but paying for 2 houses.

thehappybutterfly

pukkamum wrote: »

I too wonder if you shouldn't at least try and give your relationship a chance.
You say there is no spark, intimacy, passion etc, well given you have a 3yr old that doesn't surprise me in the slightest.
I have 3 children and can honestly say the first 3 yrs of their life especially with the first is so all encompassing that your own relationship can end up on the back burner.
Talking becomes about the child/children, the house, money etc, you are tired and so your sex life can suffer, it can feel very much like you are just mum and dad as opposed to Bob and June and you lose sight of the passionate, loving couple you once were.

My suggestion would be to see if you can't rediscover the spark you obviously once had for each other.

When dh and I lose sight of us as a couple we go for a meal out and reminisce, we talk about when we met, what we first liked about each other, madcap adventures we had had etc.
Splitting up, although very hard, isn't as hard as keeping a marriage alive when it starts to dwindle.

This. 100%. Even though you feel there is no spark, it's clear you love each other and your little one so much. There's so much more to a successful marriage than passion, romance etc. especially once kids enter the picture. Its a connection if a different kind and for the first few years most of your conversations revolve around the kids! That'll change though.

Good luck whatever you do.

jamesml

Clearly this is all my own personal view and I'm by no means an expert - albeit going through a different but similar thing myself at the moment.

One of the clear things for me to say first and foremost is surely your marriage needs to be built on a bedrock of friendship and trust first and foremost. It is understandable to not always fancy the pants off your partner all the time, and thats ok - its allowed.

There are plenty of people who stay together for the kids - and in some cases I don't think thats right, but there are cases when it works. I know of a couple in particular who were probably on the rocks a little bit and stuck at it for the sake of their son, and actually came through that and are all the stronger for it, and are happier than they've ever been. If you were arguing etc then its definitely not conducive to raising your son - but perhaps it could work.

I would also challenge whether you actually want this relationship to end or are you just thinking that based on how things are at the moment it doesn't feel the same way your relationship used to feel. Thats also ok - it depends what you actually want really. I'd love to see you trying to make it work rather than sacking it off - but it does depend what is right for you. I'm be wary of throwing away a good relationship with a good person because you've hit a rough patch/period?

The other thing you can try is this - take one of the choices in your head and resolve that this is what you are going to do going forward. Don't tell anyone your decision and then go about your business, holding that thought in your head. Ie decide to yourself that you are going to stay and try and make this work. Hold that decision in your head and don't tell your husband, but resolve that that is your course of action. After a week or so, see how you feel about it. Or decide actually you are going to move out in 2 weeks and you'll live apart and live as if that decision was made. See if that helps you decide what you want. I find it hard to do but I know a couple of people who find it really useful.

Are you actually unhappy about anything or are you just not as in love as you used to be?

jamesml

To be honest, the fact that you decided to separate almost 5 months ago and are still going about things without being at each others throats all the time says a lot to me.

debtfreesomeday

Thank you for your replies everyone.

Yes, we do love each other, but I love him as a 'brother' figure and don't have any other feelings towards him or find him attractive and haven't for a long time.
TBH, we probably should never have got married and I had doubts at the time, but I didn't want to upset anyone at the time (long story, with serious family illness a key part in the timing of our marriage) and thoughts feelings may change. He is my best friend and vice versa, but that is probably as it should've stayed. We get on and we have the wellbeing of our son foremost in our minds always, but that really is it.
We don't even laugh together anymore without our son being involved or anything. We tried going out for dinner together a couple of times and it was painful. The silence was awkward and we both had nothing to say to each other and, I think, found each other's company really dull. We always had very little in common and now, I think that has proven to be difficult when it comes to making conversation and shared interests.

I will always make sure he is ok, as I know he will me, but I just don't know how we can move forward in this. We are both emotional wrecks.

I asked myself "If it wasn't for my son, would we still want to be together?" and the answer is "No."

Thanks for the link to the blog tillyena, I read it with great interest and have bookmarked it.