Should I stay or should I go?....

tayforth

OP - I see that you paid off £50K of debt and became debt-free this time last year (well done on that, by the way). That must have been a real high point in both your lives.

Do you feel that you lack a 'goal' as a couple since then? Sometimes adversity can bring out the best in us and bring us closer together, and conversely when we have nothing to strive for, we can become rudderless.

Sorry if this isn't the case. I'm just putting it out there.

I wish you both all the best xxx

justme111

I would find it impossible to suggest anything as your way of living when you are 24/7 with a child is way different to what I see as possible or desireable.

FBaby

In your shoes, at the age of your boy, I couldn't have been away from my children for a week at a time, it would have broken my heart, however, it wasn't as much about me but them. I was their sole care giver and I think they would have found it very hard not to have me providing them that care full-time any longer and that would have made me very anxious (in addition to missing them to the point of not being able to enjoy anything else). I would have waited until I felt less anxious at the ideal of living them and more able to cope with missing them.

In the end, it all comes down to what is more important for you. You seem to know that you won't make it work with your husband, so it comes down to what is more important to you, to see your boy every day for a bit longer, or being able to move on with your romantic life.

justme111

I would find it impossible to suggest anything as your way of living when you are 24/7 with a child is way different to what I see as possible or desireable.

thehappybutterfly

OP, you sound much the same as me and my husband - we were away for a long weekend, just the two of us, and there was a lot of silence. I came home feeling like crap, thinking "is this it?" but honestly, that's marriage for you. BTW, we've been together 20 years, married for 19, and I often feel we're more like sister and brother! Does my heart skip a beat when I see him? Nope. Do I look forward to him coming home from work? Not particularly. But do I feel all warm inside when I think about all the lovely things he does for me? Do I feel totally at ease and completely relaxed snuggling up to him in bed at night? Absolutely! Can't remember the last time I felt like ripping his clothes off but hey ho!

CH27

All marriages have peaks & troughs.
We enjoy the peaks & have to toil through the troughs.

Sometimes I have nothing to say to my OH, sometimes it's the other way round but that doesn't mean it's over.

Do you really want to throw away what you have for an unsettled future?

jamesml

Genuinely, I think the best piece of advice any of us can give you is to go and speak to some professionals about it. Get someone to talk to, ideally as a couple, and talk things through. Its the one thing I wish my (soon to be ex) wife and I did to be honest. Give it a shot - there is no downside, if its helps to make your decision then its worth doing. Forget any stigma you think might be attached, find someone to talk to, and put yourself in a position to be able to make the most informed decision.

In the mean time, keep coming on here and keep talking things through. Writing things down helps process them, and people will have words of advice and words to encourage you - regardless of what decision you make its not going to be straightforward (sorry).

lostinrates

debtfreesomeday wrote: »

Sorry, I've probably phrased it badly. We are best friends in the way that we would always be there for each other and would always want the other to be ok and happy, if you know what I mean. We would always help each other out. you know, this is not to be underrated, and reflecs very highly on both of you. Whether you try to stay or separate it would be nice to maintain this attitude because its a very good one, However, we have no interests (other than our son) in common; could you try something, once a week? A dance class, a sport, not intellectual pursuit, an art? These things need to be worked at some times. we don't like doing the same things for leisure time/activites and we generally have nothing to talk to each other about. my husband learned to ride for me, I learned to listen to jazz for him. Would we have picked those things ourselves? I doubt it. My husbands now likes horses more than I am able to support him, and i still don't adore most jazz, but have more appreciation and listen with him. We also have eloped new interests together.
He does not bore me as such, but I don't feel any 'other' connection to him, other than the father of my child and that we've been there for each other over the years, as you would a good friend.i think, living 24/7 with something who you have no interests with and aren't striving, either of you, to have any and are actively thinking about leaving, its not surprising to me honest. Partnerships are wonderful when they work, but do have stressors upon them, if under those you don't actively apply glue, the pull to separate must be greater. Tbh, I think the fact you are still supporting of each other is pretty amazing

It's difficult to explain, I'm sorry if I'm not making it very clear.i think my query is, are you generally not terribly clear, or is it that you aren't clear in your mind. The two are different outcomes. If its the former, i still think some form of addressing issues would help become a clearer communicator in future relationships so things do not reach this stage

I do have other friends, but as happens with couples, most of our friends are couples who are 'our' friends.

I am not under the illusion that the grass will be greener, far from it; in fact I am terrified about the whole prospect of being on my own and not seeing my son 24/7, but I don't think that is the right reasons for staying in a marriage - just because staying is easier.

Again, I wish you luck. You seem so reasonable and nice. I wouldn't cope well in your circumstance and I have huge admiration for you both.:)

pmlindyloo

Having read your previous threads I am wondering if this is more about a general dissatisfaction with life in general and as part of this dissatisfaction you have looked at your relationship more closely than before.

You have had a tough few years getting to grips with your debt, having a baby, moving house etc etc. It seems that you have faced a fair few years of being very sensible and driven to achieve your financial goals. Now that most of them have been achieved you are taking a closer look at your relationship with your OH and are finding it 'coming up short'.

There has been some great advice here about trying to rekindle the intimate side of your relationship as it seems to be based on some very solid foundations. Things seem to have drifted whilst you have been busy getting rid of your debt and securing a good financial future. Possibly things have been rather 'serious' and has left little time to work on your relation with your OH. Having a baby, being sleep deprived has all taken its toll.

Now I am going to say something that you may not want to hear.

I believe that everyone has a responsibility to try and make a marriage work especially where children are involved. Having children and years going by will inevitably change relationships but moving that relationship on takes effort.

So as regards your personal responsibility what might you do?

1. Do you enjoy your job? If not, look for another.
2. Have you both outside interests - together/apart? Can you do something new? Evening classes for example.
3. Do you keep up with the news - have you always got something to discuss?
4. Are you eating properly/exercising?
5. Do you need a make over?

Basically I am saying that you need to reinvigorate yourself/recharge your batteries/do something outrageous(dye your hair!).

I know this seems all one sided but once you start your OH might follow suit.

I found it interesting that you had nothing to talk about when you went on a date. Sounds like neither of you were making any effort.

I hope I don't sound too unsympathetic because I genuinely am very understanding of the situation. Most of us have the t shirt and most of us have worked our way through it.

So, get some counselling if that is 'your bag' and give it a period of time when you both make an effort to revive your relationship.

The fact that you are distraught at what you are contemplating doing speaks volumes.

Please give your marriage a chance and then if you genuinely can't make it work then do what you have to do.

z.n

I just wonder if a few sessions with a counsellor- either alone or together might draw out exactly what is going on before irrevocable decisions are made. I also wonder if you are in fact a bit hormonally challenged-mild depression or simple loss of libido. Having a baby triggers all sorts of emotions as well and there could be underlying worries that you have been keeping nicely tucked away which now need to be aired.

It seems quite revealing that you are not expressing dislike or irritation about your OH and are not really looking outside the home for anyone new-both elements have been the deciding factor in most relationship breakups I have seen. So, there might still be a relationship worth salvaging. Part of the debate might include finding a hobby you can all enjoy together. Also, if there is only one subject that you are interested in talking about (your child) then talk about him when you go out for dinner. I used to feel I needed to pretend the kids don't exist when I went out alone with OH- but honestly, I am happiest thinking and talking about them and we have a much more relaxed time if I do.