Should I stay or should I go?....

Morglin

debtfreesomeday wrote: »

Thank you for your replies everyone.

Yes, we do love each other, but I love him as a 'brother' figure and don't have any other feelings towards him or find him attractive and haven't for a long time.
TBH, we probably should never have got married and I had doubts at the time, but I didn't want to upset anyone at the time (long story, with serious family illness a key part in the timing of our marriage) and thoughts feelings may change. He is my best friend and vice versa, but that is probably as it should've stayed. We get on and we have the wellbeing of our son foremost in our minds always, but that really is it.
We don't even laugh together anymore without our son being involved or anything. We tried going out for dinner together a couple of times and it was painful. The silence was awkward and we both had nothing to say to each other and, I think, found each other's company really dull. We always had very little in common and now, I think that has proven to be difficult when it comes to making conversation and shared interests.

I will always make sure he is ok, as I know he will me, but I just don't know how we can move forward in this. We are both emotional wrecks.

I asked myself "If it wasn't for my son, would we still want to be together?" and the answer is "No."

Thanks for the link to the blog tillyena, I read it with great interest and have bookmarked it.

I wouldn't stay together, for the sake of your child, providing you are sure if is over.

That way always ends in grief, because sooner of later resentment creeps in.

You can love someone dearly, as a friend, but unless you are still ''in love' with the person the marriage becomes a mockery (took me 32 years to realise that and walk!).

The initial hormonal high of a new relationship does, of course, burn out, but sexual attraction does really always need to be there.

If it's over, find a way to split, and also a way to remain friends and wonderful parents.

Best wishes

Lin

debtfreesomeday

Thank you all for continuing to comment, it really is appreciated.

pmlindyloo - You don't sound unsympathetic at all, I welcome your comments.
In fact, I have, in the last 6 months or so, tried to change my life a little and I think this opened my eyes to how unhappy I was and, unfortunately, made the divide wider between us.
I started going to the gym, lost some weight, dyed my hair (!) and finally started to feel good about myself again after a few years of feeling really sluggish with life.
My husband also exercises/participates in sporting activities weekly, but it is not something we could do together. He likes team sports, I prefer to stick my headphones on and go to the gym, we tried running together many moons ago and just irritated each other!
He will sit in front of the tv all night when he gets home from work, but I don't like to sit still and like to be active or do something a little more exciting/useful with my evenings once our DS is in bed.

My job is fine - not the love of my life - but it pays well and is not unbearable. I don't have the option of changing my job due to the salary and re-training involved and lack of jobs available in my specialism. They're like gold dust.
I also have my own small business which I run from home and find that enjoyable.

Unfortunately we don't have the option of a babysitter, so unless our son is in nursery and we take the day off, we have no time out of the house alone together.

There are a few issues which have contributed to the current situation our marriage is in.

1. Although I know my husband loves me, he has shown no physical affection - ie. holding hands, cuddling (other than when I've been upset or asked for a hug) or desire for intimacy or sex for a long time, which has resulted in me feeling completely unwanted and 'undesirable'. He has bought me flowers and such, but it really does feel like the kind of relationship he has with a mother figure! I'm in my early/mid 30s - I want to feel wanted iykwim.
I have discussed this with him and brought it up, but he couldn't really answer me as to why he was like this. I know for a fact there is no third party involvement.

2. I have had to do everything for years, there is a huge imbalance in our relationship with regards to everyday tasks and responsibilites. From paying bills, sorting utilities, buying the cars, mobile phone contracts, sorting the mortgage/insurances/life insurance policies/holidays/removals/DIY - everything. I have done it all.
I have asked him on several occasions to take more responsibility and shown him how to do it, but he doesn't listen properly and we have, in the past, ended up either severely overdrawn (when he transferred £900 out of the wrong account:() or bills have gone unpaid. I had to constantly remind him to do everything. so it was easier to do it myself.

Saying that, I don't mean to come across over-critically - he does most of the cooking now, is great at looking after our son and even cleans the bathrooms now without being asked!

I guess I just got tired of having two kids to look after all the time, instead of the one I actually have.

I really don't know where to go from here. I could live quite happily with him as my housemate, who shares baby-sitting duties (which is what we are really), but other than that, there is nothing.

dinosaur7

If he cleans the bathrooms, he's definitely a keeper !

Seriously, though, the fact that you are both supportive of each other and good friends suggests that there might be something worth salvaging. Going out for a 'romantic' night out, even if you can get a babysitter, might well feel a bit awkward and pressured, and nice restaurants don't always feel all that relaxed.

Have you considered doing something like putting the LO to bed and then settling down together with a big bag of popcorn to watch a really silly, funny movie/TV show that you will both enjoy? There's no pressure to talk or be romantic, but if you find yourselves giggling at the same things it could really make you feel closer. It probably sounds like a daft idea, but it's the kind of silly thing that I know would work for me and my OH if we were going through a rough patch.

Whatever you decide to do, I really hope it works out for the best for both of you.

lostinrates

Debtfreesomeday, its not fair he is not communicating with you over a fundamental issue.

Do you think bringing a third party, like a marriage or ralationship counsellor into the mix would help? Have you at any point been sexually compatible or felt you could be? ( so etimes that too takes some communication) . I think this is a pretty fundamental, not because of the sex solely, but certainly because of the shut down on communication over it. You can only support an issue if you know what it is.


The second point, hmm, you want to share parenting with him, so do you really take care of both or does it just feel like that out of frustration? I know I'd share that, and il don't even have one child! but rationally I know its born of frustration often, not others actions.

Shineyhappy

Apart from getting professional advice, why don't you consider a holiday. We did a cruise and it really did wonders for our marriage. There are babysitting services and you can sit on group tables for dinner and plan all the ports and excursions together.

Even if you can't afford it, can you afford not to try it?

Good luck

thehappybutterfly

My goodness! It could be my life you're writing about OP! Just remember the phrase "opposites attract". Re the, ahem, bedroom side of things - do you turn him down a lot? If so, that's maybe why he's stopped trying. I speak from experience here.

debtfreesomeday

thehappybutterfly -far from it! TBH he never really made the effort and it was always me who had to 'initiate things'. We were never really compatible in 'that' department...

justme111

Well men don't see mother figures as a sexual object.

debtfreesomeday

I was not my desire to be his 'mother figure' justme111.

Prothet_of_Doom

Marriage is a roller coaster, and you are both trying to get off too soon.

Try this. Get all your photo's out and tell the other what each one means to you. It might result in some surprises.