Does your DH over promise and under deliver?

butterflylady

Yes mine does, in the last few months I have come to see this, the sad thing is we have only been together 2 years, 2 years today in fact.

Despite having conversations about the anniversary there'll be no card, no flowers, he will acknowledge it when I give him his card and the cakes I've had made, then it will be a sorry I haven't had time to go to the shops or I don't have any money. Same old story.

Last year before we had out daughter when he wanted her to have his name, it was of course we'll get married. Now he's actually divorced and we cld get married it's to his mum ' I want to get married for the right reasons' to me it's 'your the love of my life, I want to be with you forever' but I'm not proposing this year!!

So now my heart is slightly broken I'm seriously wondering how much of my life it's worth commiting, I can't actually say how I feel cos it would just be a huge argument.

I actually put a status on fb (yes I no not very grown up) last night saying I have lowered my expectations so I'm not disappointed!! He hasn't mentioned it and I think he thinks I mean my ex due to the state my older kids were returned home in again.

Update: he's just gone to work and no mention of the anniversary, going to have a snuggly day with my baby girl and buy some nice food for tea, so at least I get a treat of some sort!! He even mentioned the date when talking about work but didn't twig or care!!

HPoirot

Spendless wrote: »

Given his track record, I wouldn't be relying on the say so of your OH that we will be doing this, only to find out when it's too late that it was another pipe dream.

It would be a despicable man who led not only the OP but the children too, up the garden path. He's shown them around the school already so capitalising on the feel-good factor of raising their hopes too.

picklekin

My OH would never do this, but this really reminds me of my father. He was a self made man, and liked to coo over his own success, he used to promise us children things all the time, then never deliver. He once promised when I was 16 I could have a scooter, he paid for the driving lessons, the CBT etc and even bought me some leather riding gloves, we went to the show room to look at bikes as well, then out of the blue he said he never promised this. I took what he said with a pinch of salt after.

I think it was a case of WANTING to be a big man, liking the idea of being this amazing generous father, but when push came to shove, he either couldn't afford it, or wouldn't give up something he wanted to do in order to fund it.

victory

butterflylady wrote: »

Yes mine does, in the last few months I have come to see this, the sad thing is we have only been together 2 years, 2 years today in fact.

Despite having conversations about the anniversary there'll be no card, no flowers, he will acknowledge it when I give him his card and the cakes I've had made, then it will be a sorry I haven't had time to go to the shops or I don't have any money. Same old story.

Last year before we had out daughter when he wanted her to have his name, it was of course we'll get married. Now he's actually divorced and we cld get married it's to his mum ' I want to get married for the right reasons' to me it's 'your the love of my life, I want to be with you forever' but I'm not proposing this year!!

So now my heart is slightly broken I'm seriously wondering how much of my life it's worth commiting, I can't actually say how I feel cos it would just be a huge argument.

I actually put a status on fb (yes I no not very grown up) last night saying I have lowered my expectations so I'm not disappointed!! He hasn't mentioned it and I think he thinks I mean my ex due to the state my older kids were returned home in again.

Update: he's just gone to work and no mention of the anniversary, going to have a snuggly day with my baby girl and buy some nice food for tea, so at least I get a treat of some sort!! He even mentioned the date when talking about work but didn't twig or care!!

Is that not a classic case of men are from mars though?:D

Your anniversary is 50% yours, you could have insisted he remembered by putting post it notes all over the house, you could have said you wanted to go out to a restaurant for a lovely dinner so have booked it so make sure you are back by x time and we are going y place, you could have bought your own card or 2 cards one for him to write in and another for you, you could have bought your own flowers and when they arrive thank him profusely:rotfl::rotfl:

It doesn't have to be him that does all the anniversary arrangements although it would be romantic and fantastic if he did, you could take the lead and have the anniversary that you so want

tea-tart-and-rice_3

I grew up to the sound of "wait and see" from my father in response to any requests from me, my mum or my sister before me. Well, we all waited... and waited... and waited. I was "promised" a £5 incentive for every 'o' level I achieved and still waiting lol. Of course, over time age and experience left me in no doubt that he was an "over promiser", not sure if it was ever intentional or not. Past caring now. Too many other examples to resurrect but I remember well the first few hours of delirium at the "promise" made and the sinking feeling when the penny dropped that it was never going to happen. Stupidly, I went on to marry a man just like my father. After our daughter was born I decided I did not want a life like this for her and we went on to divorce. 8 years later I met a lovely man, so different from my father and first husband. We've had many difficulties to face, much heartache to bear, but we are happy. He does not play mind games with me and by contrast tends to over deliver, but that is his nature.

I empathise with the OP feeling of being duped. It sits uncomfortably.

Georgiegirl256

victory wrote: »

Your anniversary is 50% yours, you could have insisted he remembered by putting post it notes all over the house, you could have said you wanted to go out to a restaurant for a lovely dinner so have booked it so make sure you are back by x time and we are going y place, you could have bought your own card or 2 cards one for him to write in and another for you, you could have bought your own flowers and when they arrive thank him profusely:rotfl::rotfl:
)

:eek: Did I really just read that?! Are you serious?!! Please tell me you've never been that desperate that you've resorted to doing that? The cards and the flowers would hold no meaning because you had bought them yourself to give to yourself.

tattycath

victory wrote: »

Is that not a classic case of men are from mars though?:D

Your anniversary is 50% yours, you could have insisted he remembered by putting post it notes all over the house, you could have said you wanted to go out to a restaurant for a lovely dinner so have booked it so make sure you are back by x time and we are going y place, you could have bought your own card or 2 cards one for him to write in and another for you, you could have bought your own flowers and when they arrive thank him profusely:rotfl::rotfl:

It doesn't have to be him that does all the anniversary arrangements although it would be romantic and fantastic if he did, you could take the lead and have the anniversary that you so want

Love it! Nothing like sarcastic gesture to make them squirm. :rotfl::rotfl:
Luckily for me, my man doesn't/isn't allowed to forget! :rotfl:

Lara44

I wouldn't like to be in a relationship that wasn't a partnership. We decide our priorities together through negotiation and the money in the collective pot is truthfully discussed and spent collectively. Therefore we are not often in the position where one person can over promise and under deliver.

As others have suggested, I think you need to ask your OH to get the figures out and go over it together rather than letting him control you by concealment. TBH, I wouldn't necessarily let myself be blackmailed over private education for the kids - schools should be selected based on what's right for each child as an individual.

Gloomendoom

I'm a man and I must admit that I have always been mystified at the great store women seem to put in anniversaries. Left to my own devices, I wouldn't remember them at all.

Luckily, my wife understands this and remembers for me.

My ex-wife used to leave all sorts of (far too) subtle hints in the weeks leading up to them and then get butthurt when the day came and I'd done nothing towards any kind of celebration.

This is probably one of the reasons why she is my ex-wife.

victory

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

:eek: Did I really just read that?! Are you serious?!! Please tell me you've never been that desperate that you've resorted to doing that? The cards and the flowers would hold no meaning because you had bought them yourself to give to yourself.

Are you serious?! See tattycath answer;)