Does your DH over promise and under deliver?

Mojisola

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

This time it is big stuff. The options before me are sacrificing the things he said we could do to the house. The house does not function well and we bought it on the understanding we would make changes to the layout.

Two years on I am now being told it will not happen.

I can't insist it happens as the options he has set before me is the children will get a very lesser deal in terms of the education we have promised them and have lead them to believe they will get. I could never ask for their sacrifice and he knows it.

He has taken the children around their schools shown them the dream. Now I am being told the dream he has told me I can have can still go ahead I just have to say the children can't have their education. There is no way I will choose an extension over my children's education.

Yes spoilt princess I must be coming across as. I have lived on £5 to get me through a week. Scrimped like crazy in the past before I married him. We have a good quality of life so much better off than many people have but over nearly 20 years I realise I am played by him. It feels like it is a game

I feel duped and I guess I am finally realising this is what he does all the time, he controls and manipulates me

He's coming over as a rather nasty, manipulative person.:(

He's not just controlling you now - he's blackmailing you into dropping the plans for the house.

Wake up and see him for what he's really like.

Counting_Pennies_2

Spendless wrote: »

So, put into plainer English, my understanding is that your house needs alterations, which were always the case. They haven't been done so far and in the meantime you've had a family and have decided to privately educate them but cannot afford to pay for schooling and building work?

No the children are coming to the end of primary education this house was bought two years ago

Since then the business has soared, acquisitions made but the projections have not changed.

Only now is he changing the story. He pulls the purse strings. Pumps up his chest says what we can do then says no when the dreams are in place

mountainofdebt

Well to answer your initial question OH doesn't really promise anything - he's not that type of person; if anything offers are more likely to come out of the blue and they're acted upon.

With regards to your situation what would he say if you called his bluff and opted for the home improvements?

balletshoes

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Well to answer your initial question OH doesn't really promise anything - he's not that type of person; if anything offers are more likely to come out of the blue and they're acted upon.

With regards to your situation what would he say if you called his bluff and opted for the home improvements?

and what would have happened if you had found a suitable builder and had gone ahead with the extension 2 years ago? Would your OH now be saying because of that the kids can't go to the school of their choice? Or would miraculously the funds appear for them to go?

Counting_Pennies_2

balletshoes wrote: »

and what would have happened if you had found a suitable builder and had gone ahead with the extension 2 years ago? Would your OH now be saying because of that the kids can't go to the school of their choice? Or would miraculously the funds appear for them to go?

Honestly I haven't a clue. I think he would probably be promising the education then changing his mind at the last minute which is what he is doing now

I think he is seeing years ahead of him needing to pay for the education and suddenly realising he doesn't want that money being spent

Tiddlywinks

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

The veneer of success is important to him. To have the big house to be a successful business man

From the outside the house looks beautiful inside it is badly designed. It is much bigger than I would ever have gone for. He wanted the big house.

The decisions on life are always talked about. The dreams are discussed the plans put in place the pictures looked at.

The chateau was his suggestion when we first got together the caravan the reality. He showed me the chateau pictures told me he would whisk me away.

Weekends over years put on hold while he studied for masters degrees, then married and children came.

Each house we have owned he hasn't allowed any improvements saying 1% of the asking price is not worth spending on the house. Always said when we get the forever house we will do all the changes.

So here we are now. Have worked hard. Been promised a lot and I guess I finally realise it was all a promise to get me to the next stage to keep the dream running. It all feels very empty.

So, what have YOU done about all of this? You need to accept some responsibility and take some control.

trailingspouse

'I am now being told it won't happen'

Can I suggest you work it out for yourself? You (I presume) know how much money is available. You know how much the schools cost. And you know (or can find out) how much the extension work will cost. Factor in all the normal incomings and outgoings, and see for yourself if it can be afforded or not.

If it looks like it should all be affordable, ask him to explain it from his point of view. As he likes to be in control, you need to say something that massages his ego - 'I'm really sorry, you need to explain this to me again. How much for this? How much for that? Look, I'm sorry I'm not understanding this - I thought you'd said we could do X, tell me again why that can't happen?' Keep the conversation going until you get an answer you are happy with, and DO NOT be fobbed off with anything that sounds even vaguely like 'You wouldn't understand' or 'Don't trouble your pretty little head about it'. If he doesn't think you would understand, then tell him that you want him to try to explain it to you.

Does he promise things to the kids and then not deliver? Is there any chance that the promised schools won't actually happen?

HPoirot

You know what it is, machismo at its finest. Some men just can't help themselves, however well they mean or however kind they are.

My OH has traces of this although not to the extent you describe. I have started reminding him that I can't take his word for anything (although to be fair I have taken to a bit of exaggeration when I tell him this, I can trust his plans for some things more than others), this has made him quite self conscious in what he promises these days and made him realise he will quickly be cut down to size instead of me having stars in my eyes on the back of his fine words. Plus he knows if I really want to, I will do my own thing without involving him. Nothing like a pinch of salt to tame the latent macho I say. :T

Counting_Pennies_2

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

So, what have YOU done about all of this? You need to accept some responsibility and take some control.

This is the wake up moment. I guess I am venting now and yes I need to have a long hard think

building_with_lego

Thread by thread I think you're realising what sort of a person your husband is.

Have a long hard think about where you want to be, and want your children to be, in the next five, ten years. You're one of the posters I know offers good, thoughtful advice to others; I hope you can objectively view, and either accept or remedy your situation.