Does your DH over promise and under deliver?

marisco_2

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

I have always been upset when the earth is promised but so much less is delivered

It seems that yourself and your husband have fallen into negative patterns in the way you relate to one another. That you are feeling so frustrated suggests a level of resentment has built up over a period of time. You two need to really talk things through and get a handle of each others expectations, then decide which ones you can realistically meet. I hope you manage to sort it all out.

peachyprice

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

The chateau is historic, the first example of him doing this

This is more complicated but basically looking back he does this all the times on the big things. Thing is I feel really let down now

It is really unfair I feel like a puppet on a string. Promised lovely things, then get excited and end up so disappointed. If the promise was not made certain decisions would not have been taken and the low is so great because so much has been built around the promise

There are days I feel I am going mad

Then take control yourself. Don't sit back waiting for it to happen, get pro-active and make it happen.

Hermia

balletshoes wrote: »

Sometimes my OH comes out with random ideas etc, but often he's just thinking aloud, gauging my interest etc. If I'm interested in his idea, then I'll talk to him about it, and then from there I might start planning for it.

I do the same. I like to think aloud and think through lots of ideas and possibilities whenever I am considering doing something. It then surprises me when people think I am definitely going to do it all!

OP - does your OH do this to everyone or just you? If he is the same with everyone then I think you just need to accept it is his personality any maybe make things happen yourself. If he just does it with you why is that?

Mojisola

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

I have always been upset when the earth is promised but so much less is delivered.

Do others get the same, or is it just me being played for a fool?

I sometimes find it worse that in his pumped up chest he promises the world, and I so desperate to believe him, that there is the dream come true, just ends up shattered. But the very fact he has dangled the carrot means the disappointment is so much worse than if it had never been dangled before.

You probably won't be able to change him but you can change your reaction. Next time he promises the world, why not say, "I don't believe you".

Instead of getting excited, look at his words in the light of experience - you know it's not going to happen. Learn from past experiences.

It brings to mind the saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me".

Raksha

Yes, he honestly believes he WILL take me to Jersey, America (again, it was his dream the first time and I paid from an inheritence, he booked the 'villa' which wasnt the white split level with pool I had imagined, but a pink two bed terrace...), get married, help with the housework, cook dinner, celebrate the anniversary of when we first met... He knows these things matter to me, but makes the right noises. I have taken to saying 'of course you will' and moving on, then I can't be dissapointed.

Counting_Pennies_2

balletshoes wrote: »

that is a sad state of affairs. Why do you think he makes all these pie in the sky promises? Does he ever have the money/time to do these things when he promises them?

I think he really believes he is a big shot that these things are possible

Then when it comes to the crunch he either cannot be bothered or finds the "this time next year we will be millionaires" belief has not come true. I think he honestly believes what he says when he says it.

He will blatantly state that is not the case at the point he says no to me that he never promised these things that everything comes with sacrifice and compromise.

The crazy thing is he is nothing like Del Boy in his mannerisms. Comes from a respectable family, great education and made a success of his career and our family business (with me doing a huge amount of work for the business and bringing up our family allowing him the time and energies to succeed).

When he says we can do these things I believe him. The projected figures are there he promises me we can do all these things, then at the crunch turns round and goes for the lesser option every time.

This time it is big stuff. The options before me are sacrificing the things he said we could do to the house. The house does not function well and we bought it on the understanding we would make changes to the layout. Other people rejected the house because it didn't function. We drew up the plans even stating where the plumbing and the seating would be before we put in the offer for the house. It was always on the cards. When we bought it we had two months to put in a new bathroom and paint some walls before we moved in. He said at that point if I could get a building firm to put the extension on in those two months to go for it. But if not to let us settle in then do it after. This wasn't a case of wouldn't it be nice. No reputable firm was available at the drop of a hat to just come round and build.
Two years on I am now being told it will not happen. I can't insist it happens as the options he has set before me is the children will get a very lesser deal in terms of the education we have promised them and have lead them to believe they will get. I could never ask for their sacrifice and he knows it.

He has taken the children around their schools shown them the dream. Now I am being told the dream he has told me I can have can still go ahead I just have to say the children can't have their education. There is no way I will choose an extension over my children's education.

Yes spoilt princess I must be coming across as. I have lived on £5 to get me through a week. Scrimped like crazy in the past before I married him. We have a good quality of life so much better off than many people have but over nearly 20 years I realise I am played by him. It feels like it is a game

This time he has ramped up the stakes and said I choose the house or the kids option

I would never have purchased the house without the changes being made to the house, always with the understanding the children would have their education (we have shocking secondary schools with poor results, bullying rife). He had the good education himself and has always promised the children the same.

Our money in the family and the business has not reduced it has gone up since we bought the house. The education costs were known to us they have not increased, so there is no new incident to change the plans.

I feel duped and I guess I am finally realising this is what he does all the time, he controls and manipulates me

I used to joke I needed to get him to sign a contract each time he promised me something as he would go back on his word. But that is always when I am let down. In the good times when the dream is presented and the promises are given I believe him and believe in the dream. The thought of getting it down on paper is so far from my mind

I guess I am my own worst enemy, I have allowed myself to be in this situation

Tiddlywinks

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

I guess I am my own worst enemy, I have allowed myself to be in this situation

Exactly - so what are you going to do about it?

As someone else said, you can't change him... but you can change how you react to his promises.

At the moment you are presenting yourself as the victim - you're not... you've allowed yourself to coast along... your choice.

Time to stop being the passenger and get in the driving seat.

balletshoes

wow OP, he certainly seems to be manipulating you, but I'm wondering why he would - I mean, what is he getting out of doing that?

If I understand you correctly, the plan always was that your children would go to grammar or private school, and you as a couple would fund that. The plan also was, and could have been fulfilled already if the timing had been right, that money would be spent on the house improvements, including building an extension. Your family income hasn't reduced, and has in fact increased in the last 2 years? And now, despite your OH saying you could afford to do both the fee-paying schooling and the extension, he is saying you can't do both?

How involved are you now in the financial side of the business, the projections, the cashflow, the profit etc? How does it work that 2 years ago both these things were possible, and now only one is? Has your OH explained this to you?

Spendless

So, put into plainer English, my understanding is that your house needs alterations, which were always the case. They haven't been done so far and in the meantime you've had a family and have decided to privately educate them but cannot afford to pay for schooling and building work.

That's not so unusual, that you have plans one day you'll do x, y and z then reality kicks in and you can't afford it.

Look at what your options are, which might include

selling the house and buying something else more 'manageable'

look at different state options, eg are you in an area with Grammar schools? State school with private tuition to supplement?

Counting_Pennies_2

trailingspouse wrote: »

I can understand that this type of behaviour would be very frustrating but -

Why are you waiting for him to provide a dream come true?

This is life, the real thing, the only one you'll get. This is not a fairy story. Dreams don't come true - they are made to happen. By the people who want them to happen.

Why does he feel the need to promise you stuff he can't deliver? And what do you bring to the party - do you ever arrange anything that he would want to get excited about?

The veneer of success is important to him. To have the big house to be a successful business man

From the outside the house looks beautiful inside it is badly designed. It is much bigger than I would ever have gone for. He wanted the big house.

The decisions on life are always talked about. The dreams are discussed the plans put in place the pictures looked at.

The chateau was his suggestion when we first got together the caravan the reality. He showed me the chateau pictures told me he would whisk me away.

Weekends over years put on hold while he studied for masters degrees, then married and children came.

Each house we have owned he hasn't allowed any improvements saying 1% of the asking price is not worth spending on the house. Always said when we get the forever house we will do all the changes.

So here we are now. Have worked hard. Been promised a lot and I guess I finally realise it was all a promise to get me to the next stage to keep the dream running. It all feels very empty.