A generational thing or was I just odd?

Poppy9

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Unless you have to go into a care home And then your home(s) will have to be sold to pay for your care. :cool:

Yep that's true and I'm not bothered by that and neither is she. I don't expect her to look after us in our old age, I want her to just live her life. We might sell our second home in the next few years though to have some cash to blow and have fun with.

Poppy9

ViolaLass wrote: »

Not necessarily assuming you could help but assisting those who wanted to help but were unsure of themselves. I have parents who ask me "How can I help my son to progress?" They want to help but don't always know how best to go about it. If that help is applied alongside what the teacher is doing, it's going to be more effective.

I'm not sure whether that means that historically parents were less willing/able to help, were less bothered about backing up whatever method the teacher had taught or whether things have changed more in education recently so that parents are more likely to find themselves faced with methods they don't recognise.

Sorry to disagree but it was totally assumed in DD primary school. From starting in reception and letter home about "letterland" right through to secondary school where every parent was allocated an evening session on "SMART" .

Also I never remember having to ask my parents to buy even a book for me to use for my studies - if we had to share, we shared. For DD at secondary level I had to buy books, CDs work books and revision books.

When I was at school if you had your own pen at primary school you were posh and if you had felt tips then you were millionaires:D

I'm just glad DD left before the school "suggested" I buy her an IPAD. Saying that she had essential books on her uni list that were over £100 each:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

I don't think it was that my parents didn't want to help I think it was that they trusted the school (with hindsight it was wrongly).

Methods have always changed. My eldest brother and sister were taught to borrow from the bottom, my other sister and I from the top and I don't really think it's just the basics parents are helping with these days. I think most parent from all generations helped with basics reading/writing maths just in everyday life. i.e. school taught me metric but my mother taught me imperial measurements through baking.

I would say in the last few years the real change has been the internet. This means parents and children have so many resources readily at hand to help with homework. When I was young you had to go to the library (or talk to old people if it was history:) ) but now it's all on line and parents can get involved as it's often interesting and you are never too old to learn new stuff.

ViolaLass

Poppy9 wrote: »

Sorry to disagree but it was totally assumed in DD primary school. From starting in reception and letter home about "letterland" right through to secondary school where every parent was allocated an evening session on "SMART" .

Fair enough. Maybe experience indicated to the school that it was quicker to assume and send info to all parents rather than deal with lots of requests bit by bit.

It's also something that Ofsted might have commented on for that school ("You're not helping the parents to be part of the learning" sort of comment).

azzabazza

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Unless you have to go into a care home And then your home(s) will have to be sold to pay for your care. :cool:

Another reason I personally feel I would rather assist my children now. My mum is in a care home and the fees are very high. Her house has been sold and as yet we have not had to use the capital from the house for the fees but that day will come before too long when her other capital is used up. Her pensions go some way to paying the weekly charge but there is a shortfall every week.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Dear Lord - just the thought of my mother being asked to help with my homework makes me shudder. Not because of how she was/is as a person, but because I realised at infant school that I was already better at reading, writing, spelling, maths, science, art, music - well, everything - than her. Never told her, but it was a bit of a shock to be looking at her when so small and realising that I helped other kids in my class when I'd finished my work, they were the ones who struggled, but they understood far more than she did. A forty odd year old woman who couldn't understand stuff the other seven year olds could be taught by another seven year old in five minutes. Depressing, huh?

Certainly didnt do anything for a healthy mother/daughter relationship. She'd have been perfectly happy if I'd been a bit thick but sporty with it, rather than ridiculously bright and into music and art.


Ah well, my kids are smart. I asked them to explain to me how to do something, as that meant they'd understood it properly, then repeat those steps to answer questions. Seems to be working for them.

VestanPance

My parents weren't academic at all, both started working full-time at an age that would now be illegal, so they couldn't have helped my with homework even if they wanted too.

Financially they didn't contribute at all. They gave me advice on how to manage my finances including showing me exactly how much everything cost when I started paying digs money to see what a bargain I was getting, but I paid for my own wedding, house deposit etc.

The thought of asking them for money makes me hear laughing coming from beyond the grave!

CH27

Lily-Rose wrote: »

I could have written this.

I am 50, and when I was younger, I got no help from anyone. My folks never helped with my homework or anything, I never got lifts (walked or cycled or bussed it everywhere,) I had to go out to work at 16 and give them a third of my income, and I certainly never had any financial help from them.

When me and DH got married, we paid for the wedding, every last thing down to the flowers, photographers, dress and wedding reception.

My 2 older female cousins got married 10-12 years before me, and had theirs paid for by their parents. Mine were not very well off and neither were DH's and so we had to pay for our own wedding. Most people I know seemed to have the wedding paid for, and some got a deposit for a house, and it does actually make me a bit bitter. It's futile I guess, because there is nothing I can do about it, but it does p**s me off.

Also, we only invited about 15 people to the wedding, because we couldn't afford to pay for any more than that.

Mine and my husband's parents are now gone, but even now I see people around me (my generation and people younger,) getting handouts from parents, and being bailed out left right and centre. And like I said, it does make me bitter because we never got a cent from anyone! I know this is not a good thing, but I can't help how I feel. Me and DH have nothing to our name hardly, and I do worry about when our own daughter gets married, because we will literally not have a dime to spare to pay for a wedding for her. And I certainly will not be going into debt for it.

Bitterness only drags you down.
We all have to live the hand we are dealt & make the best of it.

Would your parents paying for your wedding years ago really have made any difference to were you are now?

My Dad gave us a small lump sum towards our wedding or house deposit. We paid the rest.
Dad has also helped out my son will things like school trips & driving lessons as he has the ability & desire to do so.

I fully intend to help my son to the best of my abilities if needed but we are far from flush but we are grateful for our many blessings.

girlsmum

My parents never helped me with home work or paid for anything.
i saved up to buy my house, barely got pocket money, i remember when i went to college because both parents were earning i was not entitled to a grant, so had to find a job to enable me to get there and back and buy things i needed. I also paid them board and even when they were in financial difficulties in the 80's due the high mortgage rates i even paid for half of their HP on their car.
Now i have debts due to separating from my ex and trying bring up 2 children on one wage etc, my dad is no longer with us, but my mum has about £50k in the bank, but she has never offered or neither have a asked to borrow from her.
As for my children, i do help them with homework if they need help, but refuse to do it for them. I cannot afford to give lots of money in their savings. I do feel inadequate though when friends children get everything they want. My girls do not go without basic things, but i often say no to them.
however even if i had lots of cash i think i would still say no to them occasionally.

maman

I certainly seem to be in the minority on here but we help our DDs as much as we possibly can whether it's financially or with homework when they were younger.


What tells me that we've brought them up well is that they've never asked us for a single penny. DH and I are comfortably off and it gives us great pleasure to treat them now rather than keep it all until they inherit when they'll probably not need it anyway. When they lived at home we didn't take any 'board' from them as we knew they were saving for house deposits. They both saved up for their weddings and then we picked up the bills so that their savings could be spent elsewhere.


My parents treated us in much the same way. My mother sent me some spending money for my holidays (as she did for both my brothers) every year until she died when I was in my 50s. Or she'd just send us a cheque every now and then with a message 'treat yourselves'. DH's family didn't have the money to do that but they were always very generous with their time and hospitality.


I realise not everyone is in the same financial position but I'd always want to do everything possible to help our DDs whether that was in money terms or just generally helping them out. To me, that's part of being a parent and it doesn't stop when they grow up.

pollypenny

My parents were never in a position to help us and OH's family didn't like us.

We have helped our two, because we can and still do, although we are trying to close the bank of mum and dad door.