A generational thing or was I just odd?

poorlittlefish

There's something that's been niggling away at me, so I thought I'd get others' opinions:

These days, I frequently hear friends and colleagues who are parents talk about helping their kids with their homework (doing it for them too, in some cases). The same parents pay into savings accounts for their kids, give them money for house deposits, pay for their weddings etc.

I had absolutely none of this and just wonder whether I'm a bit odd! I never got any help with homework from either of my (divorced) parents (who both always worked), I paid for my wedding and house myself and have never asked for, nor received, a penny from them. I've grown up to be extremely careful with money (to the point where I don't have any luxuries, go on holiday etc) so that I can always cope if something unforeseen happens. I'm also very independent and self-reliant, which I think must be a direct result of doing everything without any help. I'm not bitter, just curious!

I just look at where some of the people I grew up with are today and wonder how on earth they could have afforded it all unless they had help from their family at some point. Have parents always tended to help their kids with homework and finances or is it just more common nowadays?

larkrisetocandleford

It depends how old you are I guess. My parents helped with homework, paid for our wedding and helped us with a house deposit. We have done the same with our kids, and added University expenses into the mix. Perhaps it is a family thing rather than a generational thing.

scottish_lassy

I am the same as you as I didn't get any help. In fact, when I started my first after school job, I had to contribute a proportion the my (meagre) pay to my mother (probably the equivalent today of 50p!!!). I also had to buy all my luxury items out of what was left including tights, shampoo etc. I would have never expected anything and assumed I would be paying for my own wedding. In a way, I think it taught me some valuable lessons as I am now very good with money, don't get into debt (cause no-one else will get me out of it!!!).

As I was also divorced, I had a low income and had to teach my daughter the same lessons - and it has now paid off in that she lives within her means and budgets well. I did give her help recently with her house deposit but she really appreciated it as it was unplanned and unexpected for her. If I had money when she was younger, she may have got more so maybe it was fortunate we didn't.

davenport151

I think it also depends on your situation.
My Mum was on her own so things were more difficult. This was the seventies to eighties so only income support for her plus a few cleaning jobs for neighbours.
I never had help with homework or the inclination to go to uni anyway.
We paid for our house deposit and wedding. Though things were always given towards the home from both families.

However she did pay a lot towards driving lessons for me. My grandad also gave me a few hundred towards my first car as he always wished he learnt to drive.

I think it depends on family outlook.and in the seventies I don't think there was the same value put on owning a house as there is now.

By the way - I also consider myself to be independant and self reliant but have always put this down to a father not being around.

elsien

No help with homework as I was away at school (army brat), no house deposit (if I remember rightly I was being guarantor for my mum at the time) and no wedding payment, probably because I'm not married!


I keep telling my mum I had a deprived childhood and she should be making up for it now. Her response is she looks after my bloody dog for me, what more do I want?

daisiegg

I find it really odd that you should lump 'help with homework' in with 'financial help'. In my opinion all parents should be involved with their children's education and should provide as much support and help as necessary. I don't think this has anything to do with spoiling a child or preventing them from being independent and self reliant! I actually think it is a bit sad if parents are not involved in their children's education, and is a completely separate issue from financial help.

We always had lots of help with homework and academic support when/if we needed it (probably more when we were very young - we could all read and write well before starting school) but have had less financial help than others might (and at the same time probably more than different others!). My parents did pay a bit towards my wedding because my dad is pretty traditional in that sense. We have all had a bit of support with living costs through uni simply because the maintenance loan was always means tested on parents' income, and our loans never even covered our rent let alone any living costs. Apart from that, we all had part time jobs as soon as we were old enough, and had to pay for extras ourselves like driving lessons, cars, etc. Never had any savings accounts in our names and there certainly was never any talk of money for house deposits or anything like that!

You talk a bit as though you think parents helping children out with education and money is a bad thing. Why is that? (Sorry if I have inferred wrong)

FBaby

I actually think it is a bit sad if parents are not involved in their children's education, and is a completely separate issue from financial help.

I agree that I can't really see a direct link between helping children with homework and helping with finances such as providing a loan for a house deposit, but I don't agree that not helping children with their homework means not helping children with their education.

I have never been helped with my homework and besides the stage of helping with reading when kids were little, I have never helped them with their homework, but that's mainly because they don't need help. I do think that some parents do confuse helping children with homework and more or less doing it for them in that more of less feeding them with the answers, even if the child is writing them is not helping but doing it for them, however if helping is prompting children that they have to do their homework, and then checking it to ensure it was done to a good standard, and directing them if them if they really don't understand what is asked, then yes, I would think that is being a good parent.

In terms of finances, I think it very much depends on the situation. It was much easier to get a job and build a deposit quickly in the 80s/90s then it is nowadays. I would definitely consider helping my child with a house deposit IF they had shown dedication towards building a career, if they adopted a lifestyle appropriate to their earnings, didn't waste their income on non essential items, and work very hard to increase their income as much as possible whilst saving towards reasonable accommodation. I certainly wouldn't if they worked part-time and used their income for nice holiday abroad whilst driving a new car and expecting to buy a three bed house!

ciderwithrosie_2

My parents are intelligent, knowledgeable people and always tried to help us with our homework if we needed it. Wasn't as easy back then either as you couldn't just 'Google' that which you didn't know. They wouldn't just have sat there watching us struggle saying 'it's your homework, it's nothing to do with me!'

They were always involved though, not just with homework but reading to us, playing games, taking us on days out, making craft projects and costumes, teaching us how to cook, etc. Isn't that what parents do?

Financially, they helped us where they were able, e.g. subsidising my grant while I was at art college. They did pay for the wedding reception when I got married (which was obviously a large proportion of the overall cost) - I didn't expect it, we'd paid for everything else ourselves.

My brothers and I have tried to bring our own children up the same way.

CruisingSaver

I never had help with my homework as a child but thanks to my primary school head mistress encouraging me to look further afield than the local Comp, I won a scholarship to private school which my Dad in particular was extremely proud of.


I did get some help from my Mum with a house deposit but DH and I paid for our own wedding (Dad was terminally ill and MIL was recovering from breast cancer so we just got on and arranged it all ourselves).


We do help DD14 with her homework but only to the extent of explaining it in a different way so that she understands, we would never do it for her - what's the point?


I also expect to be supporting her financially when she goes to University as student finance is so different from when I was her age and I don't see anything wrong with that.

larkrisetocandleford

Helping with homework is not doing it for them, that would be counter productive.

I get the impression that those whose parents did not help either practically or financially think that means they will be more self sufficient. I am not sure why that might be, I have always been extremely financially savvy, and I was fully aware that the money my parents chose to use for our benefit had been worked hard for and was being given out of love not entitlement.

We have carried that on with our kids, if you instil a work ethic and an understanding that money does not grow on trees, you can share it around within a family and not produce apathetic wasters who have a selfish attitude or a sense of entitlement. It worked for us anyway, all our grown up kids have had help, but they are all savers and in good professional jobs. I expect they will repeat the cycle with their own kids when they have them.

Alikay

I'm 53, and my parents didn't help with the deposit on my first house - they were still paying a large mortgage on their own house. I did have one friend who had was helped with a house deposit but that wasn't the norm, and help from parents tended to be dad going round to help with the DIY etc as most people bought a do-er upper as their first home!

I bought and insured my first car myself and paid for my own driving lessons as was the norm for a working teenager, but my parents did pay for my wedding reception (modest by modern standards).

I don't know if parents helping out has much bearing on how independent and resourceful you are in later life: We've always managed OK, but I put that down to being lucky with employment, good health and a stable relationship rather than parental input.

As for homework - I didn't get any at primary school, and even at Grammar school it was minimal and you could usually get it out of the way during the hour and a half dinner break rather than take books home.