A generational thing or was I just odd?

JodyBPM

I had "encouragement" with my homework, rather than direct help - i.e. they would make sure we did it, and would talk how to do things through for us if we (rarely) needed it, but would never give us the answers. If we asked how to spell something, we were told to look it up in the dictionary! My brother and I were both educated privately, which I see as the biggest gift my parents ever gave us.

When I was at uni my parents gave me £2265 a year, which was the equivalent of a full grant, but due to their income I didn't qualify for a grant at all. So I had no more or less than anyone else, but my money came from my parents, rather than from the state. I worked weekends and holidays to supplement this.

My dad paid for our wedding. The deposit for my first flat came from a small inheritance. My parents are very well off and have given us various gifts of money throughout their lives, but not because we *need* it, but to reduce future IHT. I chuck any money they give us into long term savings, the only thing I will ever draw on it for is privately educating our children - if I can't afford something out of *our* income, then I can't afford it, anything my parents have given me is IMO for passing on to my children. I'm exceedingly sensible with money tbh, plus DH and I both make a good living and are comfortable enough.

I intend to do for my children exactly what my parents have done for us. I consider myself very lucky and helped indeed.

poorlittlefish

daisiegg wrote: »

You talk a bit as though you think parents helping children out with education and money is a bad thing. Why is that? (Sorry if I have inferred wrong)

No, it's definitely not a bad thing! My mother not only never helped with homework, but she didn't do other parental-type things, such as playing with me, showing affection or saying she loved me! If I got a B on an essay I'd just get asked why I hadn't done enough to warrant an A.

I suppose there's a little part of me that feels a tinge of resentment. I'm proud that I've got this far as a result of my own efforts, but can't deny that life would have been a little easier with some help - of any kind!

GobbledyGook

My Grandparents brought us up and they helped with our homework if we needed help. They were always there to test our spellings the night before spelling test or go over our reading with us. They didn't do what I've seen a number of parents do and effectively do the work for us. I always notice this is common with things like projects where the parent ends up building the model or making the easter hat etc. I don't see the value in that - it might be the best hat in the show, but it's not the best hat made by a child.

We bought our own house because we could afford it. My Grandparents couldn't afford to help us out massively at that point so all the help was practical things like being in for us when the Sky people were coming. With regards to the wedding they were a little better off at that point (they were retired and no longer had 2 unexpected mouths to feed) so they contributed £500 (which was a huge part of the budget) and they bought my wedding dress. I didn't want them to contribute because they were not well off, but my Grandad was of the generation where fathers paid for their daughter's wedding and he said he'd be insulted if I didn't let him take the father role he'd been playing for most of my life. He wanted to pay for the whole thing, we compromised on £500.

I don't think it is so much what parents give or do for children that makes them responsible or not. I always knew that if I needed anything - even their last £5 - then I could have it. They would have done anything for me, and for my brother. However there was also an expectation that if we asked for something it was because we needed it, not simply because we wanted it. So for my wedding if I wanted them to pay for it they would have, but it would have been a budget within reason. I would never have dreamt of saying 'I'm having a £10k wedding and you are paying."

I intend to help my children with deposits and with wedding contributions. Partly for the same reasons my Grandparents did - they are my children and I want to help them with these things, but also because the difference in deposit needed from our first house to the one we've just moved too is quite scary so I can only imagine what kind of deposit they'll need in time! However, it'll be within means. I won't be taking out loans because my daughter is insisting on having her wedding rings flown down the aisle by rare-breed doves!

whodathunkit

My parents didn't help me to buy my home but I helped them to buy theirs!

I was encouraged to do my homework, given a quiet comfortable place to do it and not allowed to watch TV until I said I'd done it. They wouldn't have been able to help me and I didn't expect them to try. Many parents today are more of a hindrance than a help with the amount of their input.

olgadapolga

Whilst my mother encouraged me to do well at school, I cannot remember her actually helping me with homework. My father wouldn't help at all as an education was, in his eyes, a waste of time. I don't remember a particularly brilliant childhood either but didn't know any different so it was normal for me. There are a few good memories but most were of being let down! My parents didn't help financially (not even pocket money as we were too poor, so poor that sometimes there wasn't a meal for us). I grew up to be very independent, had my first part time job at about the age of fourteen/fifteen, got myself through college (although it was deemed that my parents should help financially as by that point we were better off, however they never offered and I never asked, I just got another P/T job). No financial help with house or wedding but I would not have wanted it anyway.

My husband's parents were the same - no help with homework or financially.

Hopefully I am completely different to my parents - I am fully involved with my children's education (but I don't do their work for them though, that's pointless) and if I can, I will help them financially if they need it. My children have ambitions and I will do all that I can to help them achieve their dreams (it's a lonely road without support).

j.e.j.

poorlittlefish wrote: »

There's something that's been niggling away at me, so I thought I'd get others' opinions:

These days, I frequently hear friends and colleagues who are parents talk about helping their kids with their homework (doing it for them too, in some cases). The same parents pay into savings accounts for their kids, give them money for house deposits, pay for their weddings etc.

I had absolutely none of this and just wonder whether I'm a bit odd!

Nope, it's not just you

If I asked my mum how to spell something she'd help, and my nanna helped me with learning my times tables by rote. But with regard to homework assignments I don't remember my parents helping me, and they certainly didn't do it for me!! The point of homework was to check that you'd understood what had been taught in the lesson, so having your parents do the homework for you would have defeated the object!

Helicopter parents seems to have become the fashion now, unfortunately..

(I grew up in the 70s and 80s, if that's anything to go by)

happy35

I am late 30s and have received a lot less help financially than I have given my son, i think a lot of this is down to the fact that we have 2 decent incomes coming in to our household

We both come from families where our grandparents were coal miners, OHs dad was also a miner whereas my dad got an Engineering Apprenticeship from Grammar School and did well for himself gaining an Area Manager job.

I was brought up to think that education was important if you wanted nice things etc as you needed a decent job so was encouraged to do homework, I cant ever really remember needing help but if I did my dad would have helped me. OH was just left to get on wiht it and if he did it he did it. I have always helped our son, OH also encourages but says he is too thick and wouldnt have a clue - although he does have a decent job but based more on what he has done since he left school

I bought my own house and saved my own deposit however i had saved for DS to go to University but he has been lucky enough to get an Apprenticeship that sponsors him throuhg a degree, I gave him some money to get a car for his 18th and the rest will be for a house deposit at some stage in the future.

In my family I think it is the norm to help your children as much as you are financially able, the better off you are the more you help

Lily-Rose_3

poorlittlefish wrote: »

There's something that's been niggling away at me, so I thought I'd get others' opinions:

These days, I frequently hear friends and colleagues who are parents talk about helping their kids with their homework (doing it for them too, in some cases). The same parents pay into savings accounts for their kids, give them money for house deposits, pay for their weddings etc.

I had absolutely none of this and just wonder whether I'm a bit odd! I never got any help with homework from either of my (divorced) parents (who both always worked), I paid for my wedding and house myself and have never asked for, nor received, a penny from them. I've grown up to be extremely careful with money (to the point where I don't have any luxuries, go on holiday etc) so that I can always cope if something unforeseen happens. I'm also very independent and self-reliant, which I think must be a direct result of doing everything without any help. I'm not bitter, just curious!

I just look at where some of the people I grew up with are today and wonder how on earth they could have afforded it all unless they had help from their family at some point. Have parents always tended to help their kids with homework and finances or is it just more common nowadays?

I could have written this.

I am 50, and when I was younger, I got no help from anyone. My folks never helped with my homework or anything, I never got lifts (walked or cycled or bussed it everywhere,) I had to go out to work at 16 and give them a third of my income, and I certainly never had any financial help from them.

When me and DH got married, we paid for the wedding, every last thing down to the flowers, photographers, dress and wedding reception.

My 2 older female cousins got married 10-12 years before me, and had theirs paid for by their parents. Mine were not very well off and neither were DH's and so we had to pay for our own wedding. Most people I know seemed to have the wedding paid for, and some got a deposit for a house, and it does actually make me a bit bitter. It's futile I guess, because there is nothing I can do about it, but it does p**s me off.

Also, we only invited about 15 people to the wedding, because we couldn't afford to pay for any more than that.

Mine and my husband's parents are now gone, but even now I see people around me (my generation and people younger,) getting handouts from parents, and being bailed out left right and centre. And like I said, it does make me bitter because we never got a cent from anyone! I know this is not a good thing, but I can't help how I feel. Me and DH have nothing to our name hardly, and I do worry about when our own daughter gets married, because we will literally not have a dime to spare to pay for a wedding for her. And I certainly will not be going into debt for it.

FBaby

You talk a bit as though you think parents helping children out with education and money is a bad thing. Why is that? (Sorry if I have inferred wrong)

I do believe that it can be a bad thing because it can discourage learning to be resourceful. Resourcefulness is a valuable skill when it comes to facing challenges or difficult times. I also believe that if you are growing used to your parents bailing you out when faced with adversity, you are potentially at risk of developing anxiety disorders.

I think it is very nice to provide help and support, but will have a much more positive effect if done so when the receiver is not expecting it. Unfortunately, many kids/adult children now do expect their parents to throw things at them.

A friend of my parents were commending my husband and I recently for both paying into very good pensions. They said that their children had decided not to do so and instead enjoy life relying on the inheritance they would gain to support them in their retirement. They didn't seem that shock about it, but again, they are the type of parents who have always paid for just about everything for their kids, including the very lavishing wedding for their son next year despite him being in his late 30s.

keith969

poorlittlefish wrote: »

There's something that's been niggling away at me, so I thought I'd get others' opinions:

These days, I frequently hear friends and colleagues who are parents talk about helping their kids with their homework (doing it for them too, in some cases). The same parents pay into savings accounts for their kids, give them money for house deposits, pay for their weddings etc.

I had absolutely none of this and just wonder whether I'm a bit odd! I never got any help with homework from either of my (divorced) parents (who both always worked), I paid for my wedding and house myself and have never asked for, nor received, a penny from them. I've grown up to be extremely careful with money (to the point where I don't have any luxuries, go on holiday etc) so that I can always cope if something unforeseen happens. I'm also very independent and self-reliant, which I think must be a direct result of doing everything without any help. I'm not bitter, just curious!

I just look at where some of the people I grew up with are today and wonder how on earth they could have afforded it all unless they had help from their family at some point. Have parents always tended to help their kids with homework and finances or is it just more common nowadays?

I don't think you're alone, my parents didn't really help with home work, but that was more my choice. As for finances they were teachers and we did not have a lot of money so I learnt to pay my own way. I do think it is more common for parents to help with home work & finances though these days - I paid for my son to go to university ( living expenses, not course fees for which he got a student loan for). Its tougher for them today than it was in my time so I feel its only right.