talk me down please

meritaten

Yes you have said that in other posts - his family life must have been horrendous.
He doesn't know any other way to cope with his feelings of anger and guilt. So, I am going to make a suggestion - and you will probably both hate it - that you attend Anger Management sessions. not just him melly, both of you. He needs to learn how to manage his anger and you need to learn it with him in order to help him.
It is not a 'normal' response to anger/guilt to behave as he did. this worries me.

thorsoak

Meri's suggestion is a good one, Melly - now is not the time to raise the idea, but it should certainly be discussed between the pair of you soon. As it is, OH might well benefit from bereavement counselling x

meritaten

Quite right Thorsoak - NOW is not the time to bring it up.


Just something to keep in mind melly for when he is more 'amenable'.


meanwhile - I realise that SOMETHING has happened which has upset him - do you know what it is? or not want to discuss it here?


You are really going to the top of my 'heroines' list you know - I doubt if I would have been as understanding as you over the last day or so.

Waves_and_Smiles

When my OH's dad died Melly, he reacted similarly to your OH. They had also had a very bad relationship, not my OH's fault. As you know from what I have said about him he is the gentlest most passive guy you could meet.

After his dad died he yelled at me the next day over every little thing even though we hadn't fallen out previously, then he stormed out for hours, came back and threw furniture off the walls and told me that he had enough of me and was leaving me. He took some clothes and walked out. I waited (granted I was distraught!) and he called me at 5am the next morning from a train crying his eyes out. He had been walking and getting on and off random trains all night and going into internet cafe's and trying to search for why he felt as he did. The heartbreaking thing was he kept sobbing to me "Why wasn't he ever proud of me?" I told him firmly that the next time he tried that I would not put up with it, then told him to come home and have a cuddle. He was better after that.

I do understand how it feels to be your position, it's horrid isn't it? Sometimes people deal with grief in very odd ways especially if their relationship with the one they have lost wasn't good. Make a clear boundary about what you will put up with, I told my OH that if he ever felt like that again to take himself out of the house and walk it off. It wasn't necessary though, because after the initial meltdown he began to deal with his feelings.

You are being so strong, you have been an amazing support to him and he will know that. Just make sure that you make it clear that you accept that he is hurting and confused but taking that out on you isn't on.

Have a hug x

mellymoo74

He can't say what it is yet.

Not a saint, love him and think he's come a long way should have expected major regression am feeding him then off to feed no 1 cat son then pop his back in and pass out I think.

mellymoo74

I will be ok just tired.
I think Tuesday at work will be 'interesting'

meritaten

no melly - you aren't a saint. but, you are one very special woman.
Both of you need rest, both of you need complete honesty - no 'hiding feelings' - you cant help if you don't know what's caused this 'meltdown' - but I have the funny feeling I can guess what it is with him. and if I am right - then its only natural he feels this way.

Mojisola

It can be very hard after someone dies when you haven't had a good relationship with them.

While someone is still alive, there is always the chance that you will be reconciled/the other person will behave nicely towards you/apologise for the way they have behaved/tell you that they have always loved you and were proud of you or whatever fits the situation.

Once they die, those opportunities have gone. You are left with the relationship as it was - and that can be a long way from the relationship you always hoped for with that person (especially when it's a parent).

Your OH had those precious words from his mother which could have been the start of a different relationship but she is now gone and can't repeat them.

It must feel as if he's lost her twice - the person he knew has gone but so has the person she might have been to him.

meritaten

and he may be remembering all the times he 'wished she were dead' - and now she is...................after finally saying 'I love you son'.


You know - I think grief is harder to bear if you DIDNT have a good relationship with the person who died. I have lovely memories of FIL - but, the grief when MIL died was far more complex. I wondered why I felt so 'bereft' when I despised the woman. but, as with your MIL it was the 'issues around her death' that were hard to deal with. I found her death much harder than FILs to deal with. I had to really work out the issues I had with her and try to understand her - in order to understand how I felt. and to realise I really did NOT have any control about the relatives roles in her death. The only help I had was from the Samaritans - who patiently listened to me for hours - and helped me 'talk it through' to understanding.
MY OH at the time was himself suffering severe depression. so he was no help to me although I was trying to help him - in the end our kids stepped in and virtually forced him down the doctors, the medication he was given helped a LOT.
Grief can be mixed up with so many emotions. strangely, some of them are 'relief' or 'satisfaction'. and they are very human to feel. but, we are conditioned to feel they aren't 'appropriate'. which causes anger.
Sorry - going on a bit - but from working with people affected by cancer and those who have lost loved ones from cancer - these issues are common. much more common than you may think.

sidefx

I've been reading this thread since you started it Melly. You are something very special and your OH is lucky to have you.

Whilst you shouldn't be his 'punchbag' deep down you know he loves and appreciates you, he just doesn't know how to deal with his loss.

Time is all you both need and it will be a great healer.

Take care of yourself.