Pregnant 16 year old - benefits

RuthnJasper

pipkin71 wrote: »

I have just spoken to her and they have been at loggerheads again, with her daughter walking out. She is in tears, never wanted this for her daughter

It's so difficult; I wish I knew what to advise - but the daughter really needs to understand, and very quickly, that walking out during an argument or at moments of stress is simply not an option. If she didn't have her mum, where would she go?!?

Also, she will have to care for her baby when it's born - if it's teething or sick or just plain cranky she won't be able to flounce out because its cries are "doing her head in".

I really think that C_Mababejive's advice is excellent. It is time for a very difficult discussion involving ALL parties, with possibly an advisor/mediator - perhaps the school could help with this?

Morglin

RuthnJasper wrote: »

Apologies for sounding a bit "Judge Judy", but if the boy is old enough to make a baby then he is old enough to face the responsibility. He really ought to be encouraged to take an evening or weekend job so that he can help out. Even if it's only a pack of nappies and some wipes per week, that's still something.

Pipkin, your friend and her daughter might find some useful advice and support here - http://www.nct.org.uk/ (National Childbirth Trust).

Hope all will be OK. x

Not really, as bring able to have sex is not necessarily an indicator of being ready for parenthood (many years working in a child protection department taught me that!).

I would hope that perhaps his parents might want to take an active role, with their grandchild, but, unfortunately, it's the girl, and the girl alone that usually gets left holding the baby.

'Twas ever thus.

Lin

Morglin

pipkin71 wrote: »

How has the situation worked out with your youngest now, if you don't mind me asking?

I think my friend does have some financial concerns - if her daughter claims the benefits, will she hand over money to her mum, to cover a portion of bills? On the other hand, if my friend claims for her daughter, she may be affected by the benefit cap.

I have just spoken to her and they have been at loggerheads again, with her daughter walking out. She is in tears, never wanted this for her daughter

I think, perhaps, that the people involved all need to take the heat out of the situation (which might take a few weeks) and then sit down and talk it all through calmly.

Meantime, your friend, and her daughter, need to talk to the school and welfare rights to find out the whole picture, with finances and education.

It has obviously been a shock all round, but things will calm down, and life tends to sort itself out if families support each other.

Teenagers are a nightmare, but most of us do emerge unscathed, if slightly battered.;)

Lin

Morglin

C_Mababejive wrote: »

I think it is time for some very frank,open ,honest and perhaps painful discussion. These parents need to meet with or without the children to look at all the options. Truth is that this young girls' future is at stake here and she may find it very difficult to further her education and career and get a useful job/career. Meanwhile some young lad,simply acting on gut instinct and lust has knocked her up and his mouth is saying all the right things but in the near or mid future, he will think,,,sod this,,i need a life and he may well abandon her to the her parents and the state.

Whilst the state is ready and well used to this,are her parents? Dont they have lives to lead too?

Unfortunately, whatever options the parents/grandparents, with or without a mediator, might think best, are irrelevant.

The law says that the girl can make her own decisions, and that will not be overruled, at this stage.

Social Services, and the law, would only get heavily involved if, in the future, the child was thought to be neglected.

The father may well have it on his toes, but if the mother, with granny's help, is looking after the child, that would not make any difference to anything.

Lin

sulkisu

FBaby wrote: »

Words fail me....so her boy has to do with less so that YOU can continue your education?

This may sound harsh, but why not? Or to put it another way, why should the grandmother sacrifice her own plans because her daughter/and boyfriend were irresponsible? If daughter was living independently with her child, the boy would probably have a lot less than he does now. The sad fact is that when a child has a child, it is often the maternal family who end up shouldering the responsibility e.g. childcare, finances etc. I for one don't blame Etenna for continuing with her own plans - she has herself and other dependent children to consider.

fabforty

sulkisu wrote: »

This may sound harsh, but why not? Or to put it another way, why should the grandmother sacrifice her own plans because her daughter/and boyfriend were irresponsible? If daughter was living independently with her child, the boy would probably have a lot less than he does now. The sad fact is that when a child has a child, it is often the maternal family who end up shouldering the responsibility e.g. childcare, finances etc. I for one don't blame Etenna for continuing with her own plans - she has herself and other dependent children to consider.

^^^this.


Supporting your child when that child makes a mistake is natural, but too many grandparents are left literally holding the baby, putting their own lives on hold and setting aside their future plans to accommodate the new arrival. A baby in the house does not just affect the parent, it has an impact on everyone.

flashnazia

FBaby wrote: »

Words fail me....so her boy has to do with less so that YOU can continue your education?

That's assuming the boy will get the money spent on him in the first place. Far better to give the money to the grandparent than have it spent on hairdos and iPhones.

FBaby

This may sound harsh, but why not? Or to put it another way, why should the grandmother sacrifice her own plans because her daughter/and boyfriend were irresponsible?

The grand mother seems to only be able to carry out her plans on the back of being able to claim benefits because of her daughter. If her daugther did decide to move out and claim benefits in her own right, what would she do?

I just found it shocking to read that a grand mother should think that benefits claimed on the basis of her being a mother should come to meet her needs before that of her grandchild.

sulkisu

FBaby wrote: »

The grand mother seems to only be able to carry out her plans on the back of being able to claim benefits because of her daughter. If her daugther did decide to move out and claim benefits in her own right, what would she do?

I just found it shocking to read that a grand mother should think that benefits claimed on the basis of her being a mother should come to meet her needs before that of her grandchild.

The grandmother says that her younger daughter is not claiming benefits for her grandson. She herself receives a student bursary and presumably any benefits that she receives for her own daughter are being used to pay for the daughter and her grandson. If daughter/grandson moved out, grandmother would lose CTC/CB for one child, but would have two less mouths to feed (not to mention the cost of nappies, milk and all of the other things that a baby needs). I suspect that her daughter is not only finncially better off, but benefits from the additional help and support from remaining in the family home.

Morglin

Unhappily, social housing is increasingly difficult to obtain, so that would probably not be an option.

Lin