Adoption & Adopting

hazyjo

Beckyy wrote: »

I couldn't spot a thread about this, so apologies if there's one already floating around.

Adopting is something I'm really interested to learn more about. We have a relative who is in the process of adopting, and it's something I'm quite sure we would consider in the future (with or without medical reasons).

How did people find the process in general (both parent and child)?


How did things go with existing/future biological children, were there ever any issues or negative feelings between siblings?

Also, who on earth did adoptive parents use as references? The requirements sound very precise.

Thanks for any replies - very interested to read them!

Just giving from another angle... I'm 44 and was adopted as a baby. My parents knew they were getting me, but I don't think they knew if I was a boy or girl. Obviously things were very different back in 1970. Most of the people I knew at school who were adopted had 'issues', although there were reasons behind some/most. My sister came along naturally 20 months later. There was no medical reason why they couldn't have kids, it just wouldn't happen - until sis turned up. I have never felt any less like their child than my sister, although I am 'different' to them - but then again most of my friends are to their siblings so I don't know if that's to do with being adopted.

My sister was actually jealous I was adopted lol. Mum and dad used to say they 'chose' me, and I grew up knowing. I was never sat down for 'the big chat' - I'd have hated that. I have two birthdays a year(!) - my actual BD and the day I was adopted on (part of the jealousy lol). Mum still sends me a card/gets me something.

I think now the law has changed whereby the biological mother/parents are encouraged to keep in touch. I would have hated that. If I chose to trace, fair enough. But my parents are my parents now and it's basically like taking on a new identity.

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

She had to wait for nearly a whole year before the adoption was complete and during that time the biological mother wanted to get in touch and meet with them all. This again was an emotionally charged event, as despite the little girl living with my sister for 9 months at that stage, it was still very possible she could have requested her daughter back.

As it was she came to say goodbye and meet the family of her little girl.

Until the court case for the adoption has taken place, every day felt like it was on a knife edge. She was not able to relax until she was officially one of the family.

hth

My birth mother wasn't in touch, but there was a period of, I think, three months where she could change her mind and request me back. Awful time for my parents, especially when I was hospitalised with suspected meningitis during that time (it wasn't, thankfully). My mum told me how she was beside herself that my birth mother would want me back thinking somehow they'd done something wrong!

My mum's always been very open about it and I know some very sparse basic information (am sure she told me all she knew). Know what my name would have been, and I think I came from Yorkshire (born in London).

Jx

listerinspector

Beckyy wrote: »

Are there any calculations on what age a child would be placed with a person/couple, or is it done on a case by case basis? Eg, could a 21y/o adopt a 4 year old, or does it start at 21y/o adopting newborn, 22y/o adopting a 1year old etc. until age is irrelevant?

It depends on what you want and if you can provide for that gender and age group too.

Some may want a baby but in reality don't have the space in their home for baby stuff, like they may live in a high rise flat with not much room for high chair or the place may deem unsafe.

Some may be willing to take a special needs toddler but don't live near a special needs school or any provisions that'll meet the child's needs.

With older kids it's often preferrable that they stay in their current school and area so as to not disrupt them too much but the first priority would be to find the right family.

Altough not personally first hand experience, just a professional one.

listerinspector

hazyjo wrote: »

I think now the law has changed whereby the biological mother/parents are encouraged to keep in touch. I would have hated that. If I chose to trace, fair enough. But my parents are my parents now and it's basically like taking on a new identity.

Jx

Through years of research, it has been found to be best that the child knows their background and where they come from.

It does depend on the circumstances in which a child is adopted though as sometimes the child need protecting from birth family.

Even in circumstances that are not so desirable (like mother on drugs etc), there is what is called 'letterbox contact' where birth mother will write to child but is sent to social services and not directly.

I appreciate your experience but I do think it's nice to know your birth mum made the effort to keep in touch and that you were adopted as she's unable to care for you rather than she just rejected and dumped you.

I have a friend who is adopted and not knowing his birth family has really affected him. Though he was adopted by wonderful people, he struggles with self worth. As he doesn't know much about his background, that allows his imagination to go wild about his past which may not even be necessary.

Next month on itv there will be a programme on adoption presented by Nicky Clarke, I might have made it to the final cut

hazyjo

I appreciate each case is different. Am sure the powers that be have done loads of research into what's best. It all just sounds a bit more like fostering than adoption to me. My parents are my parents and my sister is my sister. I was given up knowing (at that stage) I'd not be able to trace her. I doubt very many women/girls just 'dump' their children. Am sure most would have abortions in that case. I don't feel 'rejected' or 'dumped', but then maybe I'm lucky. My birth mother was a young girl. Probably still in school. I doubt she had any choice, and she named me even though she was giving me up. She was sent down to London to have me. I don't see how you're any less 'dumped' by the biological parents keeping in touch. From my POV I would find it much harder to deal with that say my birth mother was encouraged to keep in touch. That would make me feel FAR less a part of my now family than I do. I wouldn't want to feel any less my parents' child than my sister.

With your friend - who's to say his biological parent/s would have kept in touch. Some will choose not to. Surely that would have had an even worse effect on him - knowing that the law allows them to keep in touch now, but that they did actually reject him. I would rather there be a cut off - if they want to foster their kids out, fine. Keep in touch. If you actually give them up for adoption, then they take on a new identity elsewhere.

Any 'issues' I have with identity, I cannot confirm that it's as a result of being adopted. I'm not against what you say, btw. I utterly agree that in some cases people need to know their history. And I won't say I've never thought about tracing - but I doubt I will.

I have done many projects at school/college on it (and nature vs nurture) over the years, and there must be some evidence of people being totally f***d up as a direct result of being adopted. One girl I knew was very dark skinned and yet her adoptive parents refused to admit there was any reason for this, insisting she was white. Another friend was black put with a white family. Again, horrendous issues. Ended up having a child, gave it away for a while, took it back, changed its name... honestly, have heard some awful stories. Another girl adopted who ended up in prison (she tried to burn something down, and there were violent outbursts and tonnes of other weird things she did) - and there were all at my school. A good school where I can't think of any other kids who went 'off the rails' (maybe one whose mum had left and he had his own issues). But I don't know that keeping in touch with their birth families would have improved things. It's a tough one - and I can really only give my POV. I would have hated to be made to feel any more different than I am, and I would hate to have another mum/set of parents 'in the wings' to my sister.

Jx

hazyjo

Don't know if this is of any use to anyone, but something I wrote nearly a decade ago as a result of a writing challenge entitles 'My Curious Room'. Maybe it'll give some insight, I dunno.

My destiny was altered at birth. I might not have had a better life, granted. But circumstances changed who I was meant to be. I was melted like ice cubes and resculpted into something else. Someone else.

My heart first drummed inside a woman – a girl, in fact – who I'd never know. Never love. I remained inside her throughout the winter of 1969. Born into a new spring in 1970. She was about to change my life before it had started and she had no idea whether I'd cope, pull the plug, live to a hundred or get flattened by a bus at fifteen. Apparently, suicides are higher among those born in spring. I don't suppose she was aware of that back then when she carried me through the dark cold evenings; lying awake at night, talking to me, preparing me for the world. Her world – not mine. Perhaps she has a drink for me every April, lights a candle, writes me a card, or just plain forgets… She could be wishing me a happy life when I'm dead and buried. She'd never know.

Her body fed me, cocooned me, allowed me to grow. I should have been born as someone else: 'Alison Dawn Kelly'. But Alison disappeared before trying on her own shoes. Instead, she became me – and sometimes I'm not sure whether my clothes really fit me.

Identity crisis? Maybe. But do any of us know who we really are? How further confused would you be if your identity had been switched at birth. Your history obliterated, only to take on another family's. 'Borrowed history', I always call it.

Memories of Grandad will always be Grandad, as will those of Nan. And, of course, my parents will always be my parents. I'm blessed; truly. But there's no fooling Mother Nature. Nobody to blame but me for my fat ar*e, my short fuse, tears during sad commercials and the way people's pain pulls at my heartstrings. As I pour another glass of wine, I wonder if there's a history of liver disease in the family – Alison's family – not the history I adopted when my parents adopted me. Medical history is a blank. At least I don't have the paranoia of what I might be prone to die from.

My curious room is a sanctuary. Nobody else has a key. My mum probably has some idea what would be in there. After all, she's effectively taken a few of the photographs that sit on top of the bookshelves. There's the one of my parents. 'Birth parents'; 'natural parents', whatever you want to call them. He had sandy coloured hair. Hers was brown. I see them in black and white though as there's too many details missing. My blue eyes stare at monochrome pictures wondering if the images I've created are way off the mark. I'd be surprised if they both had green eyes, so black and white's easier on the imagination.

My father's father was a Methodist Minister, apparently. He's in the photos too in full get-up. That's the only 'natural' family I have. I can't miss them or love them – it's not like I ever knew them – yet the pure nature of me is as a result of these two people meeting. Nurture is a different kettle of fish. The core of me is different to that of my family, but the values and analytical approach to life is surely as a result of my upbringing. I don't feel the urge to meet my natural family, but I do stare intently at the black and white photos in my curious room. There, I can try and fathom who I am and puzzle over my destiny. I wonder how much fate's been altered. Will I die the same way that Alison would have? Would our environments change our bodies? I think she might have lived in Yorkshire somewhere. Perhaps she wouldn't be so independent or headstrong. There's no photo of Alison in the room; just a mirror. She'd look just like me so there's little point.

I keep Alison's shoes by the door to my curious room. I try them on for size occasionally, along with her glasses. I figure she'd have needed them too. I wonder if they're rose tinted and how she'd view her world.

Strange to think of a person missing from the role they were born to fill. Is it fate that she became me, or have they somehow disturbed providence by changing identities.

I lock the door on my way out.

Fredula

Does anyone know if you can you adopt if you already have a child and want to put two children of the same sex in one double bedroom (like bunk beds or separate beds, etc)?

Ms_Chocaholic

I don't want to upset the applecart and maybe what I am about to post isn't what you want to hear, but here goes.

Many of the children that require adoptive families display challenging behaviour of some description. There are some babies available for adoption but these are very few and far between. I'm unsure why any family with children would want to adopt another child that, worst case scenario, could very well cause emotional and/or physical harm to their own biological children due to no fault of their own but due to what that particular child may have suffered at the hands of their carers prior to being placed into care.

Clearly if a couple/single carer wishes to adopt and they do not have any biological children of their own or they do and are grown up/teenagers, this clearly will not have the same impact as on those who have younger children already in the household.

dandelionclock30

Around 1/3 of all adoptions permanently break down and the child returns to the care of the local authority. They dont tell people that when they are wanting to adopt and that the attachment towards an adopted child can be very different to a birth child.

Lara44

Today I attended the court hearing to celebrate my friend adopting her daughter. It was a wonderful moment for the two of them. It was clear too that everyone involved in the process, from court clerks, social workers and magistrates get so much satisfaction from building brilliant families. There was so much joy in the room :j

Alikay

Fredula wrote: »

Does anyone know if you can you adopt if you already have a child and want to put two children of the same sex in one double bedroom (like bunk beds or separate beds, etc)?

With fostering you can generally have 2 same-sex children in the same room (bunk beds only suitable for age 6+ in our LA), although we briefly looked after 2 little girls who'd been sexually abused and had to be in separate bedrooms as they'd shown sexualised behaviour towards each other in the past. The 2ft 6 twin beds, or unstacked bunks are fine though, and the room doesn't have to be enormous .

I don't think it would be recommended that your own child suddenly start sharing a room with a newly adopted child though as it could cause your own child a lot of stress - not only having to share parents with a potentially traumatised new family member, but also having to give up the sanctuary of their own room.