Adoption & Adopting

BigAunty

My same sex partner friends successfully passed the screening process but then got continually mucked about by the social worker assigned to match them with a child, they found the whole thing very traumatic and suspected it was fuelled by homophobia. After a very long period of what was at the very leasts, poor communications, admin and management around the matching process, they permanently withdrew. Since the vetting process to be approved can be upsettting and complex, they must have been really arsed about to have decided not to engage with social services ever again once they'd actually passed the screening.

I did look into fostering/adoption but what put me off was finding out that the social workers will contact previous partners. I didn't really want to discuss a failed marriage from 20 years ago, nor a failed relationship 10 years previously and was hostile to the prospect of the digging in that sensitive area for me - contacting my former partners was just such a no-no for me, though I understand why they may want to do it. My ex falsely accused me of drinking too much and that can of bogus worms must stay unopened..

sweaty_betty

BigAunty wrote: »

I did look into fostering/adoption but what put me off was finding out that the social workers will contact previous partners. I didn't really want to discuss a failed marriage from 20 years ago, nor a failed relationship 10 years previously and was hostile to the prospect of the digging in that sensitive area for me - contacting my former partners was just such a no-no for me, though I understand why they may want to do it. My ex falsely accused me of drinking too much and that can of bogus worms must stay unopened..

I've been looking into this and this put me off too. However, I've asked a few questions and they're mainly concerned with people you've had children with or have been with for more than 5 years. Also, they said that sometimes they are unable to track down exes and this won't halt the process. I would like to think that they will be used to some exes having an axe to grind and as long as you can pre-empt some of the stuff that might be brought up, it shouldn't cause too many problems.

Fredula

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

I don't want to upset the applecart and maybe what I am about to post isn't what you want to hear, but here goes.

Many of the children that require adoptive families display challenging behaviour of some description. There are some babies available for adoption but these are very few and far between. I'm unsure why any family with children would want to adopt another child that, worst case scenario, could very well cause emotional and/or physical harm to their own biological children due to no fault of their own but due to what that particular child may have suffered at the hands of their carers prior to being placed into care.

Clearly if a couple/single carer wishes to adopt and they do not have any biological children of their own or they do and are grown up/teenagers, this clearly will not have the same impact as on those who have younger children already in the household.

Whilst you have a valid point I'd like to explain reasons why my husband and I have talked about adopting. I had a very difficult birth where I almost died and so for me, the thought of going through that process again conjurs up all these difficult emotions. I had been going up to the doctors week after week telling them I thought I was pregnant, and them telling me I wasn't - then the worry of thinking it was something more serious because the tiredness, sickness, funny feelings in my tummy were getting worse and for such a length of time...Then feeling the kick and demanding to them that they take me seriously, only to find out I was 6 months pregnant, and then two months later to be hospitalised for 2 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia which led me to have a c section 2 months earlier than my baby should have been born. My blood pressure was so out of control that I was kept in the delivery suite for 2 days after my birth, with a midwife present at all times because of how unstable I was. Due to not getting up or walking around this obviously made the csection healing process a lot more painful and, I've got to be honest, I was in complete agony. My baby was kept in NICU for a month, and I stayed in hospital for a week and a half after having him. The whole start to finish, from finding out to when he came home from NICU was just so scary and horrible, that to go through that again (I've got 80% chance of having pre eclampsia again)...It's just not something I want to do. That is why adoption is something I might consider.

Just because I've already got a child, why shouldn't I give another child the love, affection and stability that he or she needs, even if they have difficult needs? I would hope that I can teach my son that everyone is different, everyone has different needs and that we just need to be more accepting of that.

poet123

Fredula wrote: »

Whilst you have a valid point I'd like to explain reasons why my husband and I have talked about adopting. I had a very difficult birth where I almost died and so for me, the thought of going through that process again conjurs up all these difficult emotions. I had been going up to the doctors week after week telling them I thought I was pregnant, and them telling me I wasn't - then the worry of thinking it was something more serious because the tiredness, sickness, funny feelings in my tummy were getting worse and for such a length of time...Then feeling the kick and demanding to them that they take me seriously, only to find out I was 6 months pregnant, and then two months later to be hospitalised for 2 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia which led me to have a c section 2 months earlier than my baby should have been born. My blood pressure was so out of control that I was kept in the delivery suite for 2 days after my birth, with a midwife present at all times because of how unstable I was. Due to not getting up or walking around this obviously made the csection healing process a lot more painful and, I've got to be honest, I was in complete agony. My baby was kept in NICU for a month, and I stayed in hospital for a week and a half after having him. The whole start to finish, from finding out to when he came home from NICU was just so scary and horrible, that to go through that again (I've got 80% chance of having pre eclampsia again)...It's just not something I want to do. That is why adoption is something I might consider.

Just because I've already got a child, why shouldn't I give another child the love, affection and stability that he or she needs, even if they have difficult needs? I would hope that I can teach my son that everyone is different, everyone has different needs and that we just need to be more accepting of that.

Due to pre eclampsia I was hospitalised for 8 weeks prior to having my first son. I had similar birth/post partum experiences to you although I delivered vaginally. I went on to have three more sons without problems, apart from the last one who was born with the chord around his neck. Don't rule out having more children just because of previous issues, problems don't always repeat themselves.

pinkladyof66

hello all
I adopted a child 2 and a half years ago our son was 3 when placed he is now 5 and a half if anyone wants to know anything or for me to answer questions please feel free to ask...

codemonkey

We'd be adopting following on the heels of infertility. At the moment, although our options are exhausted, we're not quite ready to make the decision yet, but I've been looking into it. From my reading so far, I do have quite a lot of concerns.

I'm not too bothered about not adopting a baby as, if I'm perfectly honest, babies bore me. I'd also quite like to consider a sibling group. But, from what I've read it seems everything at the moment is slanted towards making it easy for the birth family rather than the adoptive family. It seems there is too much emphasis on where the child came from. While I don't think it's a good idea to hide the adoption and background from the child, I don't think I'd be comfortable with allowing contact with the birth family. I think if someone has been unable to take care of their child to the point where that child has been removed for their own safety, then I don't want those people contacting what will be, ultimately my child.

On a more shallow note, and I realise I will probably be flamed for this, but I dislike the fact that we wouldn't be allowed to change the child's name. I probably wouldn't wish to do so without the child's consent anyway, but it does mean if the birth parents have called the child something ridiculous and misspelled, then we'd be stuck with it. I'm not sure I could parent a Shardonnaaaaiiii. I'd at least want to change the spelling, if only so the poor kid doesn't have to spend their life spelling it for people.

I'm also aware that certain things could go against us, that wouldn't be a problem if we were able to have a child the traditional way. For example, a period of depression in my past, or wishing to go back to work.

Person_one

codemonkey wrote: »

We'd be adopting following on the heels of infertility. At the moment, although our options are exhausted, we're not quite ready to make the decision yet, but I've been looking into it. But I do have quite a lot of concerns.

I'm not too bothered about not adopting a baby as, if I'm perfectly honest, babies bore me. I'd also quite like to consider a sibling group. But, from what I've read it seems everything at the moment is slanted towards making it easy for the birth family rather than the adoptive family. It seems there is too much emphasis on where the child came from. While I don't think it's a good idea to hide the adoption and background from the child, I don't think I'd be comfortable with allowing contact with the birth family. I think if someone has been unable to take care of their child to the point where that child has been removed for their own safety, then I don't want those people contacting what will be, ultimately my child.

On a more shallow note, and I realise I will probably be flamed for this, but I dislike the fact that we wouldn't be allowed to change the child's name. I probably wouldn't wish to do so without the child's consent anyway, but it does mean if the birth parents have called the child something ridiculous and misspelled, then we'd be stuck with it. I'm not sure I could parent a Shardonnaaaaiiii. I'd at least want to change the spelling, if only so the poor kid doesn't have to spend their life spelling it for people.

I'm also aware that certain things could go against us, that wouldn't be a problem if we were able to have a child the traditional way. For example, a period of depression in my past, or wishing to go back to work.

The things that are concerning you are done for the benefit of the child. They're the ones that matter most, more than birth or adoptive parents.

Once an adoption is formalised, the adoptive parents are legally the child's parents as much as if they'd given birth, there doesn't have to be contact with biological family but the child will have the right to find out about them at 18, and they may have written letters etc. that have been stored with social services.

As for names, do you not think the children have been through quite enough already without having their identity changed by a new family? If they've been Shardonai for 4/5/6 years that's an important part of who they are, as much as if they were Olivia or Sophie.

If you're looking to adopt, you may well be considering parenting children who have foetal alcohol syndrome, who have been physically or sexually abused, who have been born addicted to drugs, who have been so neglected its permanently affected their brain development, who have witnessed nightmarish things or who have been separated from siblings that they love. If you can imagine parenting those children, would parenting a Shardonai really be so bad?

It sounds like you're at the early stages of considering this, so maybe if you go further through the system and even start to meet a few little waifs with chavvy names you might start to feel differently anyway. I bet your instinct when you learn their background will be to just scoop them up and take them away to nurture them, whatever their names are.

Ms_Chocaholic

Fredula wrote: »

Just because I've already got a child, why shouldn't I give another child the love, affection and stability that he or she needs, even if they have difficult needs? I would hope that I can teach my son that everyone is different, everyone has different needs and that we just need to be more accepting of that.

It's not acceptance/non-acceptance I was raising, but merely how the child's early life experiences may impact on your birth child. There are some cases where children who have been sexually abused prior to being placed into care then go on to sexually abuse others, the same can be said of physical abuse. This is something that needs to be considered carefully, the needs of an adopted child are so very different to that of a birth child due to what they may have suffered.

System

I have the greatest respect for anyone who adopts

I don't think I could do it personally, mainly cos I don't think I'd pass the vetting process due to my mh issues and I'm not sure I even want biological kids for the same reason.

[Deleted User]

You may be interested in listening to this.

In summary, it's an interview with someone who adopted problem children after social services misled them about the degree of the problem. They were promised all the help they would need, but as soon as the adoption had gone through, SS just "ran for the hills" and left them to it. When the parents continued to ask for help the SS then started accusing and threatening them.

They then speak to a Professor who has just done the first ever comprehensive review of the adoption services, saying that this is "a very familiar story" that she has heard "so many times".