Present dilemna for exes children

jackieblack

sulphate wrote: »

I would take the presents I had bought back, but pass on the ones that were bought by others assuming they are happy for you to still do so.

Yes, this ^^^^^^^^^^

esmerelda98

A relationship of 'almost a year' is still very new and even without this child's attitude it could easily end in the short-term, so I think it is premature to expect to be integrated into his family at this stage. You point out that her mother has had four partners in four years. Do people really think it is appropriate for young children to be exposed to a string of partners on both sides?

I think you should have had your own couple time, when you could both put the children on the back burner, at least until the relationship was on a very solid footing. But it seems your partner was not prepared to cut back on his cycling to make that happen. Perhaps you could have joined him so it wasn't an either/or situation.

The daughter, being so young, is primarily a product of her upbringing. You don't seem to completely realise that the 'monster' was created by your ex-partner and his ex-wife. And if the relationship continues, so will the palaver.

Anyway, that is all academic now. I suggest you try to get your money back for the gifts you have bought, and pass on those bought by others.

Buttonmoons

It's funny, my 7 year old is a bit like this with my boyfriend. She likes him, when he's around she's always wanting to play games with him, he takes us nice places - but lo and behold if he stays over :eek: and when he's not around I get grilled "What if you have a baby" "I don't want a step-dad" "YOUR ONLY MEANT TO LOVE MEEEEEEE"

and it is upsetting seeing her so upset by the situation. I've been seeing the OH for almost 2 years, but he was just a friend when they eventually met and about 9 months ago I told her - it went down like a lead balloon

Whilst I won't let a 7 year old dictate my reletionships I am considerate of how she is feeling, so he doesn't sleep over much, and he isn't over everyday, maybe twice a week for dinner - the weekend she is with her Dad is when he is here most.

A lot of her questions and feelings towards it, is that she doesn't want to share me, and as her dad got into a reletionship with someone, bought a house and had a baby all within a year I "think" she projects that onto to me a bit - worried I'll do the same, have another baby etc as she won't say anything to him about how she feels sometimes at his (left out) so I have too tell him, and NATURALLY I'm making it up - according to him

I do think it's very wrong he's dumped you because of his daughter, to me it sounds like there is maybe more underlying issue, also you said you were "slotted" in, maybe he doesn't want to do that and wants all his time for himself, just a thought.

esmerelda98

juliebunny wrote: »

It's always hard going into a relationship where the other person has children, I do agree, but millions of people do it successfully and I've been told that I'm great with kids - plus his other daughter would run out of school and fly into my arms happily, so I know she loves me. The funny thing it, both him and my last partner who also had a child, both said they would never date a woman who had children!!!

Lovely idea to give the presents to charity. Our work does a collection each Christmas for local deprived children.

I started writing my first post before you posted this. I would just like to point out that a lot of the difficulties may be behind closed doors. People make the best of their situations, and so they should. They won't go out of their way to broadcast their difficulties. Also, in a lot of cases the real challenge comes when the children are older, teenagers or just before.

juliebunny

Reoved to protect privacy

juliebunny

Removed to protect privacy

esmerelda98

juliebunny wrote: »

BUT I still say, he is not doing her any favours in the long run, she is not learning the realities of life and as long as he is not honest with her (he is lonely) then he can't expect an honest reaction from her.

I agree with that, but I don't think the time to start putting his foot down is on the issue of a new girlfriend. Or, he could take the route of not ending the relationship, but reducing its impact on the girls by separating out your time together, for the time being. Not having a secret relationship, just reassuring the girls that their time together will remain that, for now. The problem with that is that it keeps you hanging on indefinitely, but I suppose in the majority of cases you expect the child to eventually relax and find out that the new partner is okay really, at least in small doses, and so the situation naturally progresses.

I think you are expecting too much of a seven year old when you think that her father explaining he is lonely will change her attitude. I'm not sure the typical seven year old is that emotionally developed.

Pollycat

juliebunny wrote: »

The thing is, I've bought nice gifts for the girls Easter and birthdays in April. Do I still give them or substitute for something less? The other daughter is brilliant and she likes having me around - she gets more attention because the awful one is extremely attention seeking. She appreciates her toys etc but she does have A LOT of them too as you would expect, having divorced parents. I cant give to one without the other - well, I could personally, but he would intercept them.

I have other gifts the family have given me to pass onto him for the girls and he is pestering me to post them, so I need to make a decision.

Read the bit in bold.

Really? And he dumped you by text?

I'd tell him to jog on. You deserve better - and I hope you find someone who appreciates you more than this guy.

FBaby

The problem as I see it is not that the girl had a problem with you but with not having her dad all for herself when she got to see him. It is hard for nrp's to have to wait 2 weeks to see their kids but it is also for the child. What was wrong is that he didn't dedicate the other weekend to you or at least a large chunk of it whilst gradually getting his daughter used to the idea he had someone in his life. I don't think he was that committed to you and however painful it muddy be now it probably would have become much more so If it had continued.

Cottage_Economy

Tell him to get stuffed.

Honestly. What a prize Tw*t to be pestering you to send presents on, presumably with his seven year old daughter's hand in there playing him like a glove puppet and wanting her presents.

Give the presents you bought to a children's charity, or take them back and take your sister and her kids out for afternoon tea or something else nice with the money.

As for the ones from his family, return them to the respective family member you got them from and they can send them on to him.

It's not your concern now.