trusting bf's mum?

Mojisola

poet123 wrote: »

The point is how would you have reacted? Did they have cause to believe you would build it up into something it wasn't?

Is this why his mother sided with him?

If you had known that he was going to meet up with his ex, would you have been calm and trusted him?

victory

a1fan wrote: »

She does feel torn up, as do I and bf.

Regarding the last part, if he did cheat on me, I still think she would have encouraged him to lie as I believe the biggest part of his mum is the fear of his eating disorder returning. I do believe that was the main driving factor. So given all that I certainly see why she encouraged him to lie.

Even though I understand her actions, that doesn't mean I'm not entitled to my own hurt feelings. I certainly am entitled and that is what I'm going through.

Was it 1 meet?

HPoirot

So you want a relationship with the mother and not the son? Sorry, that is not going to happen if you are not with the son. If he finds someone else, she will be the same with his new partner as she has been with you. And you will be just a distant memory.

I think the above needed saying to you as you seem to believe that the lady owes you the utmost fidelity and respect, to the exclusion of anyone else. This is a very unhealthy way of forming attachments and you want to snap right out of it before history repeats itself and you find yourself hurt from the next attachment you form. If you are an adult, then there is no need to blame your mother or anyone else for this, you do as you do, not because someone else hadn't paid you enough attention or whatever other reason.

Her son wanted her to lie to you, so she did. This is the way it should be, you should not and will never be more important to her eyes than her son. If she had grassed up on her son to you, that would be a dysfunctional family you would have stepped into. You may not have had that in your life, but I would strongly suggest that you don't look for a surrogate in this lady while your expectations are so unrealistic, and may I also add, unhealthy at this stage.

You say you had more of a relationship with the mother than the son. Were you subconsciously using the son to form a bond with the mother? Again, you may want to snap out of this and work on yourself. Let go of the exclusivity expectations that you seem to have built up. Relax a little, nobody owes you anything in this world.

HPoirot

a1fan wrote: »

She does feel torn up, as do I and bf.

Regarding the last part, if he did cheat on me, I still think she would have encouraged him to lie as I believe the biggest part of his mum is the fear of his eating disorder returning. I do believe that was the main driving factor. So given all that I certainly see why she encouraged him to lie.

Even though I understand her actions, that doesn't mean I'm not entitled to my own hurt feelings. I certainly am entitled and that is what I'm going through.

Feelings are not entitlements. We can control our feelings to an extent with thoughts and reason. Again, nobody owes you anything, you feel what you feel and this is your business alone.

a1fan

A few have asked if I know the reason he met up with his ex and I do.

There is a strong correlation and likeness with some eating disorders and addiction. Bf had a difficult childhood where his parents argued and fought a lot. As a child this really frightened him. His dad will always be angry with his mum and his mum was always upset with his dad. As the oldest kid, bf had to stand strong for his siblings. He witnessed domestic violence too.

His mum left the family home for another man so his dad was always angry and short tempered for now having to do the usual household chores and childcare after coming home from work. His dad was reaching the end of his mortgage and now had to re-mortgage to buy his mum out.

BF has grown up having nobody to turn to. As a frightened little boy he felt no one took care of his emotional needs. His mum always being upset after a fight and his dad being very p1ssed off with his mum. BF had to re-assure his younger siblings. At the age of about 8 he found his mum in the middle of a suicide attempt. This, he believes was the trigger of his eating disorder, as a way of suppressing his hurt and anger and a way of having control, losing so much weigh to get noticed as he wasn't noticed in his childhood.

So a part of his mums reaction was guilt over his childhood and eating disorder too.

No, this isn't (another) sob story but just giving a little insight of his eating disorder before anyone says it's easy to overcome. Also, I'd like to point out that since being with bf, I have appreciated how much more harder it is for men as women have better avenues of support whereas men are expected to man up and get on with it, especially when the vast majority of those with eating disorders are women. Hence why it is more men who end up being addicts and criminals.

Now, his ex was someone he met at work. She is older than him (bf is mid 30's now) and wanted a baby. She had a failed marriage and several miscarriages. Bf fell for her as he was at a point in his life where he was needy for some love. She just wanted a baby. They tried for a baby and she had more miscarriages. She blamed him for being unable to give her a baby and he felt a failure because of this. She chucked him immediately after her last miscarriage. I should mention his dad moved his step mum into the family home within months of his mum leaving, and she was truly a wicked step mother who hated bf and his siblings and manipulated his dad against them all. When bf met his ex at work, she (stepmother) encouraged it as a way of getting him out the house and out the way.

bf was devastated at being chucked, after going through years of on/off therapy for his eating disorder, when his mind got clearer his devastation turned to anger when he realised she only wanted a baby and not a relationship from him.

We met each other through a friend and had an immediate spark. I learnt a lot about his eating disorder and you probably won't know from the few posts I've made here, but I am a happy and positive person. I am very spiritual and it is my strong faith that has got me through my own childhood trauma and opened my mind to his eating disorder (prior to him, I thought eating disorders were just lack of discipline).

But ah, I've still not answered your question have I? Well those with disorders crave to be liked and to be 'normal'. Bf isn't very good at saying no. He tries to please everyone all of the time. So when his ex is in a bad situation like she's had a row with her current bf, she will call him up. He is at times too weak to say no. So that is the reason, he makes his excuses and she will find a solution to them. I won't go into specific details of their meet, but would say that I don't trust him anymore and at the moment whilst I'm still angry don't think I can believe what he says now.

a1fan

Mojisola wrote: »

Is this why his mother sided with him?

If you had known that he was going to meet up with his ex, would you have been calm and trusted him?

No I wouldn't have sided with him. If I had known, it would have given me the opportunity to end it back then.

a1fan

Gosh, apologies for the long post. It's not really possible to explain things without the post being so long. There was far more but I'll refrain for now.

Anyway, his mum became a good friend and no I wasn't looking for a replacement mother, we just became really close through time. Initially I was wary of her as I'm a different ethnicity to bf and in a past relationship it wasn't accepted but as long as my partner accepts it then I don't care about if his family don't. If anything I was at first ready for his mum to be unaccepting.

marisco_2

a1fan wrote: »

How do you feel about getting close to in-laws?

I think it is important to have a good relationship with the people who are most important and closest to a long-term partner. It takes a long time to develop those kinds of bonds though and they should come about for genuine reasons. In all honesty OP I think yourself and your ex's mum had a very unhealthy dependence on each other, due to your own life experiences, anxieties and insecurities.

Mojisola

a1fan wrote: »

If I had known, it would have given me the opportunity to end it back then.

So you would have ended the relationship if he'd said he was going to have a coffee with this ex?

If they both know you feel that strongly about her, he was a fool to go and meet her and, if he was my son, I'd have told him that he was risking losing you and got him to think about whether meeting the ex was worth it.

meritaten

Mojisola wrote: »

So you would have ended the relationship if he'd said he was going to have a coffee with this ex?

If they both know you feel that strongly about her, he was a fool to go and meet her and, if he was my son, I'd have told him that he was risking losing you and got him to think about whether meeting the ex was worth it.

yes, but knowing it was innocent - I wouldn't have told OP about it!