trusting bf's mum?

listerinspector

meritaten wrote: »

yes, but knowing it was innocent - I wouldn't have told OP about it!

So you would have went behind your partners back?

I think I can understand OP. I think in some families blood really is thicker than water. Your OH's family is probably one of them.

Although I think it's nice to be close and get along with in-laws, you have nailed it on the head when you said ''ultimately blood is thicker than water'' or somewhere along them lines.

No matter how wonderful and accepting or open minded in-laws are, if you were to split then you do lose them too especially when you and ex move on to get new partners. It'll just be too odd to be friends. If there's children involved then you could maintain some level of friendship but this would only be for the sake of the chhildren anyway.

Pinzy

It is difficult when you break up with someone, when you've gotten on really well with their parents. After one break up I popped round to see the parents afterwards with some chocs and wine just to say thanks for being fabulous! Another mum didn't want anything to do with me after the break up though we'd gotten on well before - it was because her son was hurting so much afterwards (so was I, but I'd been the one that ended it), even though the son and I maintained a friendship after a break, she's still not keen on me at all!

Try not to be too harsh on her, as other's have said, she's trying to look out for her son more than anything else. We all make bad decisions every now and then. She obviously cares about you too, else she wouldn't be feeling so bad about it. Your anger at her likely stems quite a lot from the grieving of losing the relationship with her. It will get easier with time.

jscott05

Your BF put his mum in a bad situation but the truth is his mum would do it all overe again. GF come and go son's daughters are for life simple as that.
No way should you feel blackmailed you've done nothing wrong if it was so innocent then why not own up.

a1fan

Bf knew it would be a deal breaker. He knew it would hurt & upset me but did it anyway. I can't get my head around that. If you love someone why would you do anything that'll hurt them? Even if it's minor/innocent to you, knowing it would hurt someone you love just wouldn't sit well with me. Neither would lying & covering it up & continue with the lie for over a year. Well I guess it depends how much you love someone and cared about their feelings. Perhaps we just also have different views on morals.

His mum was on the phone again, he's starting to blame her a little now. But I don't hold her responsible. He's a grown man & needs to be responsible for his own choices & actions. It hurts coz she was a good friend to me. The fact she was his mother just makes it more tricky.

I won't have problems trusting again as you can't tar everyone with same brush, and relationships, when goes well, are wonderful and precious. But I'd just be more cautious about in-laws from now.

For now I shall just try and remain strong and take things a moment at a time. I'm not sure if me and bf will get back together again but what I do know is that the trust is broken and I know who's NOT got my back regardless of relation to bf.

duchy

Quite honestly if this is the one big lie he has ever told you .......and he met her once (by chance and not arrangement) and the only reason he didn't tell you was because he had no intention of meeting her again and all telling you would have achieved was a huge drama and you ranting at him and being upset.......... (and you appear to be aware this was why) and you've finished with him.............then you don't appear to care much about the relationship anyway. He made a mistake - your choice was to accept it was a mistake and move on...or dump him.

If you were his mother would you really want to be "friends" with someone who had a really low opinion of her son who she thinks the world of and has proved by her actions to be loyal to him ? What would be the point ?

If you genuinely have ended the relationship and aren't just trying to teach him a lesson (which is certainly a possibility-most adults don't drag parents into their arguements) then walk away with a bit of dignity. Maybe once things have calmed down and time has passed his mother *may* want to renew her friendship with you - but not whilst you are a resentful "ex".

He made a mistake and lied to you -and then had to keep lying to cover it up. You either forgive the mistake and rebuild your relationship -or you walk away and start over without him. Only you know if this is a deal breaker for your relationship or not. It doesn't matter if it would be for anyone else ....it isn't their life.

a1fan

He didn't bump I to his ex by chance. Their meeting was arranged.

I didn't say it in my long post above, but he has seen her more than once.

Now let me ask a question from another point of view: if your daughter was going through what I am, what would you (as loyal parents) be thinking/feeling?

duchy

I'd tell her to sort it out with him once and for all.
I'd tell her either she trusts him not to cheat or she doesn't. If she trusts him then just accept this ex is no threat - if she doesn't trust him then she needs to decide if she wants a relationship with no trust.
I'd also suggest the Mother is nothing to do with the issue and to focus on what is important which is the relationship.
I'd probably tell her that she and her ex probably need to have counseling before considering getting back together as he is repeating behaviour he knows will upset her and she is allowing him to do it which sounds like a relationship with little respect or self respect on both sides.

However if she was an adult and not a teenager I'd also point out to her that it is her life and my opinion is just that -and she needs to make her own decisions as an adult and not be swayed by the opinions of others as she is the one who has to live with the decision.

(I have a son of 22 btw and if he treated any girl the way your boyfriend is I'd kick his butt as I raised him to be better than that)

rachiibell

This must be a difficult situation for you OP. Personally I'd like to think that as his mother I'd be encouraging him to tell you but I can't say that I'd necessarily tell you myself. It's also hard with him having an eating disorder, not that it'd ever be your fault if he fell back into it due to you breaking up but I can see from her point of view her "Mummy Bear" instinct might take over.

I'd encourage you not to throw away everything you've got with your boyfriend over this incident. At the end of the day it seems it was an innocent meeting out of his desire to please others rather than anything more serious. Having said that being lied to is horrible and you have a right to feel hurt.
I'd take some time out for yourself and think about the outcome you really want from this. Until you know that everything is a bit pointless.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!

Ps the phrase "Blood is thicker than water" really annoys me. My family use it to justify not including my Uncle's partner's adopted daughter but she's been around since I was born and I've always thought of her exactly like my other cousins.

Anatidaephobia

a1fan wrote: »

I still think she would have encouraged him to lie as I believe the biggest part of his mum is the fear of his eating disorder returning. I do believe that was the main driving factor. So given all that I certainly see why she encouraged him to lie.

To be honest, having had experience with people who have eating disorders, I can completely understand her fear that a break up might trigger a relapse. I'm not saying that's right nor is it a reason for a relationship to continue when it would have otherwise broken up, but I can understand her worries.

You weren't foolish to trust her. But she didn't really do anything that bad either. She encouraged him to lie which is immoral but if he had already met up with his ex then the damage was already done and I can understand how she wouldn't want him to rock the boat when he didn't actually cheat but presumably just met up for some sort of catch up. Tbh, her part in this is largely irrelevant.

Just wondering about the story behind him and his ex... had you banned him from seeing her?! The implication seems to be that he was not allowed to see her and he went against your wishes...

If I discovered my partner had met up with an ex over a year ago (but didn't cheat and had no intentions of doing so) and had lied about it to protect me, I would obviously feel hurt about the lying and we would have to have a discussion about why he had felt unable to be honest in the first place... but I wouldn't end the relationship over that. So, with respect, I can't help wondering if your relationship was already a bit shaky and this has just been the last straw.

FBaby

Bf knew it would be a deal breaker.

Well here you go though. So for some reason, she contacted him, say she told him she had something important to tell him but won't tell on the phone, jut face to face. Let's assume no intentions whatsoever to take things forward because he loves you and is happy with you, but he has a past, he can't say no, so he goes. He knows though that if he told you, you'd break up with him, so he goes, telling himself it will be a one off and you won't find out...

If I understood well that what happened is that one year ago, she contacted him and they met up. Nothing happened then, and nothing has happened since. He just didn't tell you because it meant nothing at all and not worth having to be interrogated as to why he agreed in the first place.

Personally, I think you are seriously over-reacting. Ok so he lied and he shouldn't have. He is at fault, but you are too because the reason he didn't tell you is most likely because he feared you would give him a very hard time or even break up with him. It's a vicious circle of lack of trust on both sides.

You have two choices, decide that you are the victim and both have been unkind to you and neither are worthy of your love, or you can consider why things have happened the way they have and whether you could also be at fault and the way forward is to discuss it and learn about trusting eachother better.