trusting bf's mum?

poet123

I can only say what I would do as the mother of sons. If it was innocent and I was confident that nothing happened but that you would not see it that way I would advise him not to tell you. What is there to tell? If however, I found out he had cheated I would tell him he should be honest with you, if he wouldn't and I was close to you I would seriously consider telling you myself.

OP I am sure his mother is really hurting, but she is in a no win situation.

a1fan

I know she was only being loyal to her own son. Hence my question at end of the first post. I know any mother would really do the same which is why I feel almost foolish that I really trusted her. She admitted herself she wouldn't accept that from her own husband. Personally, if I were in her shoes I would have encouraged him to just come clean and be honest in the first place.

I have spoken to his mum several times today, she is apologetic and I'm sure it's genuine. She is also worried about her son and the possibility of this triggering his eating disorder again.

Now, as flattering as it is to think I was the reason he got healthy in the last 5 years we've been together, in reality I can't be the reason he eats or don't eats, lives or dies. I know this may sound harsh but we've been to family therapy over his disorder. Anyone who knows anything about eating disorders or addictions will know it is only the person who can do it for themselves. So I won't buy into being emotionally blackmailed.

poet123

The point is how would you have reacted? Did they have cause to believe you would build it up into something it wasn't?

a1fan

victory wrote: »

Well yes blood is thicker than water but that doesn't have to mean you never meant anything to her or that you didn't have a close relationship.

The mother did it with good intentions, at the end of the day if all they really did was meet up in daylight, in public, it is a bit secretive but was it such a bad thing you had to end it?

I honestly do see that, that she was just being loyal to her son and no that's not a bad thing per se, only I'm hurthing firstly for what he's done and secondly that she knew about it and encouraged him to lie too.

I have spoken to her and she feels awful. I know it mustn't be easy for her, it isn't easy for anyone not even bf.

wapow

The eating disorder thing can be put to rest. You're right. They cant control you in this way and you shouldn't be controlled in this way.
It was not foolish of you to trust her. In 5 years she did one thing? People do crazy stuff all the time. It maybe a deal breaker, fair enough, but look to the good instead of the bad.


May I also add that you take time away from his mum and your ex and really decide what you want to do?


It could come across that you maybe enjoying the emotions of them feeling bad and making them feel bad by asking them if they would accept it from their own spouses so why they let it happen to you etc etc.
The constant phonecalls necessary?

a1fan

wapow wrote: »

You're a grown adult I presume?
You've had a broken family since childhood.

This is a good thing. It means you've grown used to it now. Or you would think.

Think about those people who have no limbs, who cant see or hear, or those who need care 24/7 their entire life.

These are broken individuals. But do you think they're laying the blame on someone else?

Or do you think they take control of their lives what best they can?

What I am saying is, its time you moved on from the sob story and took control over your own destiny instead of dwelling on the past.


You've made good attachments with people. This one didn't work out? What can you do? Cry over the one that didn't work out? Or be happy about all the ones that are still working for you?

Apart from the last paragraph, all you've said is applicable to anyone who moans (about anything) isn't it?

With regards to the last part, I have already shown recognition and gratitude to those that I've formed attchments with.

thorsoak

My question to you is - would you have chucked him if you didn't feel that his mum had proved more loyal to you than him?

Personally, it comes across more that you feel you have been betrayed by mum rather than by your b/f.

A good mother will be loyal to her child first, his relationship second, and his partner third.

meritaten

I am glad to see that you are speaking to her. I know how I would feel if it was me as a MIL.
I would feel guilty and torn up. but, I am sure she acted with the best of intentions. and I wonder if ...........if the meeting WASNT innocent, she may have 'dropped you a hint' or as I would do, tell him to come clean.

a1fan

wapow wrote: »

The eating disorder thing can be put to rest. You're right. They cant control you in this way and you shouldn't be controlled in this way.
It was not foolish of you to trust her. In 5 years she did one thing? People do crazy stuff all the time. It maybe a deal breaker, fair enough, but look to the good instead of the bad.


May I also add that you take time away from his mum and your ex and really decide what you want to do?


It could come across that you maybe enjoying the emotions of them feeling bad and making them feel bad by asking them if they would accept it from their own spouses so why they let it happen to you etc etc.
The constant phonecalls necessary?

I posed the question to her, not to make her feel bad but for her to see it from my my view.

When I asked, I had already know the answer. I knew she wouldn't be happy if her husband and mother in law did the same. But I also knew if push came to shove she of course will prioritise her son. So I'm not angry with that, but it does of course hurt me.

Things with my bf is another matter, had I not been as close to his mum then I believe I would have still broken up with him as the trust is now broken. I don't get or stay with someone dependingon my bond with their relatives. Infact, I said I suspected he had visited his ex at the time but just didn't have the proof so there werent much I could do about it.

a1fan

meritaten wrote: »

I am glad to see that you are speaking to her. I know how I would feel if it was me as a MIL.
I would feel guilty and torn up. but, I am sure she acted with the best of intentions. and I wonder if ...........if the meeting WASNT innocent, she may have 'dropped you a hint' or as I would do, tell him to come clean.

She does feel torn up, as do I and bf.

Regarding the last part, if he did cheat on me, I still think she would have encouraged him to lie as I believe the biggest part of his mum is the fear of his eating disorder returning. I do believe that was the main driving factor. So given all that I certainly see why she encouraged him to lie.

Even though I understand her actions, that doesn't mean I'm not entitled to my own hurt feelings. I certainly am entitled and that is what I'm going through.