trusting bf's mum?

slightlyconfused1

The meeting was in a public place during the day. The fact your ex felt he had to lie about it speaks volumes about the relationship.

We only see the relationship through your eyes but from what you say it really does not sound healthy. You seem intent on letting us know you saved him and are happy to share details of his life when it really has no bearing on anything.

You didn't allow him to meet with his ex. He wanted to meet her but rather than tell you about it he chose to lie. You suspected he had met his ex, you asked him, he lied again. The fact that he may have met with her bothered you for over a year. You managed to prove he lied, you chose to end the relationship.

His mother was not the one who should have told you, he was. She owes you nothing you were just her son's girlfriend, whom she liked.

If I were you I would distance myself from ex and his mother. You are hurt and you need time to heal.

splishsplash

OP I'd feel just the same as you. Whether your boyfriend cheated or not is beside the point. He and his mother conspired to deceive you - to put it a bit dramatically - and that's got to hurt.

Just like any situation where you find someone lying to you, the problem moving forward is deciding if you can trust them again. If you come from a vulnerable place to start with, something like this can undermine your confidence and make you question your judgement when it comes to forming relationships. It's important to keep reminding yourself that you did nothing wrong, they are the ones who were dishonest. I would lose a lot of respect for both of them on finding that out.

It's nice that you get along with his mother, but it appears that you invested more than her into your friendship. You may be looking for a mother figure and you may have cast her in that role, but evidently she's looking out for her son. I have no doubt she like you but she is not your mother. She encourages your relationship to keep her son healthy, which sounds a bit unhealthy to an objective outsider, tbh. Your job is not to be his mother or nurse, it's to be his girlfriend.

victory

I understand it was a shock to you to discover your bf had a meet with his ex a year ago and you feel that his mother knew and conspired against you, the thing is 1 year later is it worth loosing your bf over and being angry towards his mother over something was just a meet in daylight, never led to anything, never was an affair, it was and is long over,?

I can understand it hurts, a lot, but stop for a minute and think do you want to loose two people you really did love and be on your own over this?

victory

Infact pretty much what fb said:D

peachyprice

I can see why he didn't tell you he'd met up with his ex. Massive over-reaction.

Kayalana99

I can see why this would of hurt you - I'd been same hands down. Honestly it sounds like this guy is not worth the effort and needs to grow up and take control of his life.

My Ex had a lot of emotional issues mainly due to his child hood, he is never happy - he blames everything on what happened in the past, I havn't had the easiest childhood because my Mum got with ...well without going into that a nasty man. Whilst I was with the Ex we used to argue and he used to make out it was my fault - that I was 'messed up' in the head because of my child hood - he would constantly focus on the bad times of my past and make out that it made me who I was...and I was young and for a better word a push over I believed it all, I thought that he was the only person who would 'put up with me' ...IMO that is emotional abuse but we don't always see it at the time.

The point of the story - is that if you focus on your past instead of your future then that's all it will ever be, you remind me of me in a way because your whole post is based on what your doing to help him (as I was in the mind set with my Ex that I was helping him with his problems but really he was just creating them and no matter what I did they would be endless) and what has gone wrong in his past, you both need to let go and look to the future.

As for what he did - if you do still want to get back with him I know you'll be mad now - but you need to ask yourself is he the same person he was a year ago and would you trust him to not do that NOW, me and my OH had some 'drama' when we first got together and stuff came out 2 years down the line that I wasn't happy with - but I left it and didn't cause a fuss because I knew he had grown up a lot from when we first met and I know he wouldn't do that now.

Mojisola

a1fan wrote: »

Now, his ex was someone he met at work. She is older than him (bf is mid 30's now) and wanted a baby. She had a failed marriage and several miscarriages. Bf fell for her as he was at a point in his life where he was needy for some love. She just wanted a baby.

They tried for a baby and she had more miscarriages. She blamed him for being unable to give her a baby and he felt a failure because of this. She chucked him immediately after her last miscarriage.

bf was devastated at being chucked, after going through years of on/off therapy for his eating disorder, when his mind got clearer his devastation turned to anger when he realised she only wanted a baby and not a relationship from him.

So when his ex is in a bad situation like she's had a row with her current bf, she will call him up. He is at times too weak to say no.

I didn't read this as worry that he might have been unfaithful with the ex but that he is still emotionally attached to/under her control to some extent.

notechno

Are you actually sure you want to be with your boyfriend? Just with you saying that you feel closer to his Mum than you do to him, hence why you feel so betrayed - I can't help wondering if the relationship is maybe not that great anyway.

SavingPennies_2

I would view your OH mum's "betrayal" slightly differently:

She knew how much her son loved you, she knew you made him happy, she liked you and approved of you - perhaps hoped youd become a daughter in law one day, most of all she wanted to protect her son from the hurt of losing you.

Assuming all he did is meet his ex once, in a public place and nothing happened then I think she gave him what she believed was the right advice. What he did really wasnt that bad in the scheme of things (assuming the rest of your relationship was a faithful and happy one).