trusting bf's mum?

a1fan

I've been with bf for 5 years and since day one I really really got on with his mother. I think I'm closer to her than I am with my bf. My own mother is out of the picture so bf's mum was always like a mother to me.

Just over a year ago I suspected my bf had visited his ex but I couldn't prove this so had to let it go.

Only recently I've been proven right. We happened to just bump into his alibi and I was quizzing him about how long its been since they've (bf and his alibi) seen each other. They both ageed it was years ago i.e. before the time I suspected bf saw his ex. So that was my bf caught red handed.

Now, I honestly don't believe he cheated on me as him and his ex just met up during daytime hours in public but he covered this up as he knew I wouldn't be happy.

I also found out his mum knew he had met up with ex and encouraged him to lie to me so as to not lose me. To be honest, this hurt a lot more.

BF has always had a eating disorder due to having a bit of a bad childhood. It was so bad he nearly died. He improved greatly when he met me and so far in our relationship he's not fallen back to this disorder because with me he has been far happier and it's nice and encouraging seeing him improve. His mum has often worried what would happen to bf if we ever broke up as he is crazy about me and we did have a great relationship. She believes it's because of me he has got a reason to fight for.

I have dumped bf in a fit of anger (I'm still p1ssed off big time). I'm now extrememly resentful of his mother as she was a real friend and confidant to me. I feel so let down and heartbroken.

Now I know she was just being loyal to her son and wanting to prevent his eating disorder triggering and I'm sure any mother would do the same. Was I a fool for trusting her?

How do you feel about getting close to in-laws? Now I just feel I shouldn't bother as at the end of the day, they can have good intentions but when it comes down to it - blood is thicker than water!!

Also, I'm too upset and angry to be emotionally blackmailed if his eating disorder starts again. At this moment I just don't care about that.

victory

a1fan wrote: »

I've been with bf for 5 years and since day one I really really got on with his mother. I think I'm closer to her than I am with my bf. My own mother is out of the picture so bf's mum was always like a mother to me.

Just over a year ago I suspected my bf had visited his ex but I couldn't prove this so had to let it go.

Only recently I've been proven right. We happened to just bump into his alibi and I was quizzing him about how long its been since they've (bf and his alibi) seen each other. They both ageed it was years ago i.e. before the time I suspected bf saw his ex. So that was my bf caught red handed.

Now, I honestly don't believe he cheated on me as him and his ex just met up during daytime hours in public but he covered this up as he knew I wouldn't be happy.

I also found out his mum knew he had met up with ex and encouraged him to lie to me so as to not lose me. To be honest, this hurt a lot more.

BF has always had a eating disorder due to having a bit of a bad childhood. It was so bad he nearly died. He improved greatly when he met me and so far in our relationship he's not fallen back to this disorder because with me he has been far happier and it's nice and encouraging seeing him improve. His mum has often worried what would happen to bf if we ever broke up as he is crazy about me and we did have a great relationship. She believes it's because of me he has got a reason to fight for.

I have dumped bf in a fit of anger (I'm still p1ssed off big time). I'm now extrememly resentful of his mother as she was a real friend and confidant to me. I feel so let down and heartbroken.

Now I know she was just being loyal to her son and wanting to prevent his eating disorder triggering and I'm sure any mother would do the same. Was I a fool for trusting her?

How do you feel about getting close to in-laws? Now I just feel I shouldn't bother as at the end of the day, they can have good intentions but when it comes down to it - blood is thicker than water!!

Also, I'm too upset and angry to be emotionally blackmailed if his eating disorder starts again. At this moment I just don't care about that.

Well yes blood is thicker than water but that doesn't have to mean you never meant anything to her or that you didn't have a close relationship.

The mother did it with good intentions, at the end of the day if all they really did was meet up in daylight, in public, it is a bit secretive but was it such a bad thing you had to end it?

wapow

So basically, what you're looking for here is for other people to blow steam about their own in-laws?

You've broken up. You know you would be blackmailed and so have already steeled yourself from this. You are not happy that you have not been proven right by his admission.

What are you looking for?
People to say "you go girl"

Your story about catching him red handed doesn't make sense.

You put your trust in someone who you know or knew deep down, would put her son over you. She kept you around because you basically found yourself a fixer upper. You fixed him up good and have been a good influence on him and was happy with the pat on the back you were getting from his mum. Up until now.


Your feelings towards his mum and the way YOU felt about her doesn't indicate that his mum felt the same way about you?? Your idea of trust and closeness and hers may be different? Just because she listened to you and made you feel like part of the family and you were all pally means what exactly? That you lose sight of logic and reasoning? Maybe you were slightly at fault for being too trusting?


Also, there are two sides to a coin.

FBaby

Oh dear, so you do tend to react dramatically and that is probably why he didn't tell you in the first place and why his mum thought it best. You are giving them reason why it was best to keep quiet, unfortunately, you found out.

Is it really such a massive big deal? As you've said, he didn't cheat. Just forget about it, telling him that you would really much prefer that he was totally honest with you and reassure him that if he had, you wouldn't have a big deal out of him, questioning him about every details of the meeting, wanting to check his phone etc... and hopefully it will be all forgotten and next time he will know better than to keep matters that are probably unsignificant to him quiet.

meritaten

I am sorry OP, but you probably wont understand until you have children of your own. as much as I love my DILs and SIL, my OWN children will always come first. most mums are the same.
and its not as if he hopped into bed with her is it? I don't blame him or his mum if this is how you would have reacted at the time (and my bet is that it would have been).

a1fan

I was wary of my initial post being too long and worried people will give up reading it.

There is background with his ex which is why I wouldn't have been happy. We all have history and I wouldn't blow a fuse over 'nothing'.

But the story with his ex is another thing. Yes I chucked him in a fit of anger and we're both devastated about it. It feels a double blow to me as his mum (who has grown to become my mum even!) was dishonest with me too.

There is also history with my own mother which has meant I had a very unstable childhood and found it difficult to form attachments. This was partially relieved through having some wonderful people in my life with whom I have formed attachments with. So it was a big deal that me and bf's mum got close. I really opened up to her like no one else before which is why it hurts more.

With me and bf though, I do feel it's the final straw. He planned a meeting, lied to me about his whereabouts and covered it up for over a year which would have carried on if we didn't bump into his friend. To have planned this meeting, he obviously was in contact with her, something he swore he wasn't and wouldn't do. So this isn't the first time he lied.

I'm not looking for stories of anyone slagging off their partners parents but it's really making me feel I can't trust anyone now as there really is no loyalty like family loyalty. It's just a shame I don't have that as my own family is broken.

meritaten

but hun, you have just been shown 'family loyalty'. this IS how parents are with their children. you are making it about his mums disloyalty to you - and frankly, she was loyal to her son, which is as it should be. this is between you and exboyf - not you and his mum.
I think you had very high expectations of his mum - but expecting her to put her sons wellbeing over yours is asking too much.
She knew the meeting was harmless - therefore, 'what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you'.
you are judging very harshly and taking things a bit too much to heart. perhaps when you have a bit of distance you can see things from her point of view.

victory

a1fan wrote: »

I was wary of my initial post being too long and worried people will give up reading it.

There is background with his ex which is why I wouldn't have been happy. We all have history and I wouldn't blow a fuse over 'nothing'.

But the story with his ex is another thing. Yes I chucked him in a fit of anger and we're both devastated about it. It feels a double blow to me as his mum (who has grown to become my mum even!) was dishonest with me too.

There is also history with my own mother which has meant I had a very unstable childhood and found it difficult to form attachments. This was partially relieved through having some wonderful people in my life with whom I have formed attachments with. So it was a big deal that me and bf's mum got close. I really opened up to her like no one else before which is why it hurts more.

With me and bf though, I do feel it's the final straw. He planned a meeting, lied to me about his whereabouts and covered it up for over a year which would have carried on if we didn't bump into his friend. To have planned this meeting, he obviously was in contact with her, something he swore he wasn't and wouldn't do. So this isn't the first time he lied.

I'm not looking for stories of anyone slagging off their partners parents but it's really making me feel I can't trust anyone now as there really is no loyalty like family loyalty. It's just a shame I don't have that as my own family is broken.

Take a deep breath.

Your bf mum is always going to be for him first, you second , your bf in her eyes is still her little boy, that does not mean your relationship was not close.

Have you asked your bf why he met up with his ex? Was it just once? Does he know you would have reacted like this?

wapow

You're a grown adult I presume?
You've had a broken family since childhood.

This is a good thing. It means you've grown used to it now. Or you would think.

Think about those people who have no limbs, who cant see or hear, or those who need care 24/7 their entire life.

These are broken individuals. But do you think they're laying the blame on someone else?

Or do you think they take control of their lives what best they can?

What I am saying is, its time you moved on from the sob story and took control over your own destiny instead of dwelling on the past.


You've made good attachments with people. This one didn't work out? What can you do? Cry over the one that didn't work out? Or be happy about all the ones that are still working for you?

victory

wapow wrote: »

You're a grown adult I presume?
You've had a broken family since childhood.

This is a good thing. It means you've grown used to it now. Or you would think.

Think about those people who have no limbs, who cant see or hear, or those who need care 24/7 their entire life.

These are broken individuals. But do you think they're laying the blame on someone else?

Or do you think they take control of their lives what best they can?

What I am saying is, its time you moved on from the sob story and took control over your own destiny instead of dwelling on the past.


You've made good attachments with people. This one didn't work out? What can you do? Cry over the one that didn't work out? Or be happy about all the ones that are still working for you?

Crumbs a way with words?:o

wapow

You know I clicked post and realised it may have been a little...cant think of the word lol. I don't mean to be mean in any way.


OP, don't lose trust in people. Like you've said you have formed some great attachments so you are deffo doing things right. I guess this one meant the most to you hence why you feel this way. But don't let this be the end all to all your trust building moments! The world is huge and you can surely grace other people with your nature