At Breaking Point - Why wont he grow up and stop spending?!

madlyn

i have a partner who is just the same, i call him an ostrich. because instead of facing upto his debt problems he buries his head in the sand.
his most recent spending spree was on ebay on so called "antiques".
he got through 2 grand in 5 months and is now a thousand pound overdrawn.
constant arguments because if his actions and i sometimes actually hate him because what he has done is impacting on my life too.
if i thought wacking him round the head with a frying pan would knock some sence into him i would.

-taff

As far as your PPI complaint goes, read this, pay attention to the difference between a closed and an open account, and you don't need to send anything by recorded mail, first class is sufficient.

Remember you are complaining about the missale, not claiming any money back, and think of reasons why it was a missale, because either you didn't need it in some way or that it wouldn't pay out if you had needed to use it.

http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/reclaim/ppi-loan-insurance


You can do the same for CPP, and for packaged bank accounts.

countrygirl1

Thanks for the advice -taff!

alyxzandra

Countrygirl, this sounds like my stepdad. As soon as he latched onto my mother he stopped working at the ripe old age of 28. She had a good job, company car and bought him a 4x4. They lived in a very nice place until all went downhill when she lost her job. I came to assist them and while we were out working he was sitting around all day long.

My family bought them a house, which they lost when my mother became disabled and he did not work. They squandered tens of thousands of pounds from two inheritances with nothing to show for it. Out of nearly 30 years of marriage he worked for 7 of them. Yet, all of the money went for things for him. While my mother paid for all of his dental work, she allowed her own teeth to rot and now she has only half of them left. Yet, she is severely disabled while he is 11 years younger and can work. If it was not for me they would be living on the streets, but he knows once my mother is gone the gravy train is over.

I hate to say it, your husband is doing exactly what he wants with no consideration to your wishes or the effect it is having on his own child. And that shows a huge degree of selfishness. And it seems like you are the only one who is trying to hold things together while he just skips along and spends what he wants and does as he wishes. All at your expense. I know it is hard, but you have to ask yourself if this is truly what you want. And how to pick up the pieces to your finances. I wish you the best.

Dozey_crow

Hi, I hope you don't mind me chipping in.

I was in a relationship like yours with a guy who cares about his hobby more than anything else, he behaved very much like your oh. Like you I was talked into a joint bank account which both our wages went into yet I never had anything for myself. If the money was low he would withdraw it all to ensure he didn't go without and leave bills to bounce. He used to go through my purse regularly to and take any money I had (like you I thought this was OK). He spent £3k in the months and had nothing to show for it and definately didn't pay any debts off. Why would he they were in my name after all!

I spent £6 on two puts off moisturizer once and felt awful because I thought I should be paying our (read his) debts off.

Anyway like you have described.. Things came to a head one day. I screamed and shouted and he promised he would change. Sure enough he signed up for agency work (and spent it) on top of his standard job them he made the grand gesture of contacting everyone he had debts with (he had loads of his own) staying he wanted to pay them off etc etc. Then he got lucky and got a job working away which meant more money and he could claim expenses for meals etc.. Things were looking up.. Or so I thought.

Reality was that I managed calls and visits from baliffs all week (as he contacted everyone with up to date details but then didn't pay anything) while he worked away living it up with 'expenses'. Everything he bought came from our account but then he would withdraw the money for 'expenses' once it went in so effectively I was paying for him again

After our talk and nine months after his big gesture nothing changed and after a weekend of listening to life on expenses with fancymeals, hotel service etc etc. When he left on Sunday night I retreived my pound coin from the bottom of my bag delighted as usual that he hadn't found it as I always was. On my way to the shop to get my can of coke and a magazine (going back a few years) I had my lbm

The grand gesture was a trick to keep me inside so he didn't lose his cash cow.
He couldn't care less about me
I did not want a family with this man (visions of him stealing from then kids piggy bank\ stealing lunch money etc and the kid being unable to go on school trips because he t a all the money)

I left with a she'd load of debt and no possessions as such other than clothes and furniture I had before we met. It took 4 years to pay the debt off and 6 for my credit rating to improve. However 13 years on my husband and I have a house, car and savings - ex has absolutely nothing. He ran up debts all over the country Looks like he hasn't changed at all.

Sorry this is a bit of an essay but I do hope it helps you.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

countrygirl- glad to hear you've had strong words and your husband is taking steps to sort himself out. Unfortunately you are going to have to constantly monitor this (which will be described as "nagging" by him). You may end up having to take charge of all finances and dish out "pocket money" to him- if this is what it takes to live harmoniously and debt-free then it is probably worth it.

I had a relationship with someone who couldn't handle money (had to spend whatever was in their pocket, found it physically impossible to save) which was compounded with a gambling addiction. They also stole from me, which was when my patience reached its limit. I am honestly unsure if such people can change.

Wishing you all the best- remember that love, stability and good role models are what children need not just sharing a house with their biological parents.

BigAunty

The relationship forum is full of threads posted by frustrated women who have carried their 'man-child' and been financially exploited.

One repetitive theme is how their partners' prioritise their interests or addictions (consumerism, alcohol, gambling), both in terms of time and money, and do little to support them around the house, their disability or their children.

Their partners often come out with sob stories or justifications for why they should be allowed to indulge their selfish interests at the expense of their relationships and quite often blame their partners for driving them to it. The households are generally crippled with debt. The male tends to either not work or work part time or in low income roles.

After long periods of resistence and refusal to change, the exploiting man-child will make a promise to change but won't stick with it for very long. They will only make this promise as a last resort, if they think their meal ticket will kick them out.

They are essentially men that have been coddled and who,to be honest, would simply not be able to make it in the world, would probably be homeless, if it weren't for a woman subsidising and supporting them, as they can't handle any responsibility.

This is because their right to a life of indulgence, selfishness and laziness is one that it deeply embedded into their psyche - they truly believe that they should put themselves first and that the female should allow them maximum freedom, that their partner should be there to serve them and indulge their needs.

Unfortunately, some of the relationships are actually classic cases of domestic abuse where the man is disrespectful, isolates the woman from their friends and family, is very controlling and financially exploitative, undermines their confidence with criticism, blames the women for the abuse their receive.

BigAunty

One of my friends, a highly educated and articulate lady, is in one of these extremely unequal relationships, which she tolerates for the sake of the children as her partner is very good with the kids and the kids adore him.

He sold his property when they moved into the family home and was supposed to put the equity towards it but then reneged. He has a clutch of classic cars in storage which is where most of his disposable income goes to - the location is secret. He pays a token sum towards household expenses despite earning a lot more now than when they moved in together. She supported him for years as he retrained for a second time with a new degree. She believes he has been unfaithful to her. He prioritises his social life.

He is in the ranks of being a professional leach, spongeing off his wife, acting like a batchelor, paying next to nothing towards the upkeep of his children, sitting on a nest egg of cash and expensive assets (the cars).

Cyberman60

Ashingtonian wrote: »

Dump him, he will never change. It's as simply as that really.

I agree to an extent. It's long overdue as the stress will only get worse, and it's clear that he has never had respect for his partner. To take a loan out for an extension and spend it on a car of all things !!!

benten69

Cars...the worlds biggest money pits! Speaking as a fellow petrol head it can be an addictive and expensive hobby. I have never been stupid with my money and cars, other than getting a loan to buy my last car (which I paid off in full and early, as I hate having debts) I have never borrowed money to spend on cars, but I have spent the majority of any "disposable" income on them instead of saving like I should have been.

Now, some 6 years on from buying my pride & joy and pampering her over the years she is needing more and more each year to keep her road worthy, so I've decided enough is enough, I just want a cheap daily as every penny you put into cars is lost money in reality.

Your husband will not change, ever! I know a lot of other petrol heads that are in debt due to cars, some by a little and are easily able to keep it sensible and paying, others at a more extreme scale and with mountains of CC debts, but one thing rings true for all of them. They don't really care, as long as they have money for their cars. This especially applies to the ones with the larger car-based debts.