At Breaking Point - Why wont he grow up and stop spending?!

NHS_worker_bee

countrygirl1 wrote: »

I think the trouble is, I try really hard to be respectful to him and let him do things his way as head of the household, and I always hope that he will change and make the efforts when he says he will. But his words are empty, and he lets me down on every promise he makes to me about paying things off and sorting himself out.

It seems like it is you who is the head of the household countrygirl, as you are the one dealing with all the financial responsibility and stress. Although you are undoubtedly frugal and trying to do the best for your family, I found a SOA useful for me because it highlighted just how much I was spending on debt repayments (and if you're only making the minimum repayments, you won't be clearing the CC debt).

Having to change your PIN isn't a good sign. I'm sorry to hear about the whole situation, it must be very difficult. I think you will find the people on this forum can offer you constructive advice and support you as you deal with the debts. Dealing with your husband's communication issues sounds like another challenge altogether. Chin up, you've taken the first step

countrygirl1

Thank you NHS workerbee,

I am going to put together my SOA now and see what I get. I'll also do the snowball calculator, but I am nervous about the results!!! Perhaps though, him seeing the accounts in black and white will help him see the gravity of what he is doing.

I will definitely post the SOA on here, everyone has been so lovely. I kind of don't feel alone any more, and it's nice not to feel judged. Tried to talk with my dad about it earlier and he just said I was stupid!

countrygirl1

Yes, NHS worker bee, I even spent a few £100 pounds on a counsellor who tried to get him to work on his communication but he didn't want to make the effort! Could have saved myself the money there, lol!

tallyhoh

I always hoped my partner would wake up & change but is been 30 years now, he's actually been in debt since 1974 to my knowledge.


Its not cars with him, the latest thing was camera's, £40,000 in 2 years on them & other stuff to make him look like a professional photographer (he's not, his pics are rubbish)


Before that it was boats, £100,000 in debt on a dinghy etc. Before that it was starting his own business as a (laugh) financial adviser, he spent days choosing the colour of his phones & printing business cards although he knows nothing about the business.


Its all designed to make him look good to other people while someone else pays for the more mundane things like rent & food.


Hope I'm wrong but I don't think you will be able to change him.


Try talking to him but in the mean time I would be taking steps to protect myself (I did), hide your cards & keep a sharp eye on you credit file for any unknown entries, you can do this free with Noddle.

lizzy23

Hi sounds like you're in a bit of a mess, i actually think a bit of tough love is probably in order now, you may not be able to change his ways but you can cut off his access to credit , i would suggest you contact Step change and see about a DMP by my quick adding up you are responsible for 28k's worth of debt on a part time wage, to me that's not sustainable

Ashingtonian

Dump him, he will never change. It's as simply as that really.

Blackpool_Saver

He is playing you like a violin....get rid

countrygirl1

Hi tallyhoh,

Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience with me, it sounds like you've been through hell and back. (Though I love your sarcastic and witty take on him!)

I will be signing up to noddle and definitely putting things into place to really separate our finances and try to protect myself.

countrygirl1

Hi lizzy23,

Thanks for your reply...what is a DMP? It's definitely time for tough love!

countrygirl1

Hi Ashingtonian and Blackpool_saver,

Thanks for your input but of course life is never that simple. I would like to save my marriage if I can and I have my daughter to think about. Can't give up yet...but yes, things will have to change or I'll have to think about kicking him out - at least the house is in my name only I suppose!!!