At Breaking Point - Why wont he grow up and stop spending?!

DaMint

If your husband is so keen on cars, perhaps he can spend his own money on his hobby, whilst still allowing for a joint contribution to your household? At the end of the day, a marriage is essentially a partnership and there has to be equality. Why should your husband get to fulfil his life's passion (cars) whilst you are only left with anxiety and stress?

Re your plans to adopt, if this is what you really want (and it sounds like something you are very passionate about) then my personal suggestion is that you pursue this as selfishly and as single-mindedly as your OH pursues his passion. I'm a firm believer in the mantra that you only get one life, and that life shouldn't be believed in servitude of someone else's whole happiness; you should be thinking about yourself and what you want from life. You don't want to wake up years from now and realise that you never got what you wanted from life because you were too busy playing a support role to someone else. That's not to say you deny your husband his cars, but merely make him responsible for funding his own fun, rather than giving up on your dream.

I don't know if you have specifically detailed what your OH's passion actually entails re cars, but my initial thoughts is that he could be able to do up/modify one at a time, sell it and then move on to his next project. The money he is using does not come from a bottomless supply, and so he should think of ways to fulfil his passion that doesn't come at the expense of other people.

I really do wish you all the best; I echo the sentiments of those who have said 'leave' but I am mindful that love does crazy things to you and things aren't always that clear cut. One thing that I would caution you to think of now is what happens when your husband starts earmarking money for your daughter (i.e. school trips or clothing) for his hobby. There will come a time where he starts prioritising his stuff over her (it will be insidious but you will start to notice). How will you address this then?

BILLIE

Oh Countrygirl you have made me cry too - I feel for you on many counts. My ex would never discuss money but loved living the life we could not afford and mixing in circles above our station. Eventually, I got rid and I had three young sons under the age of 10 - it was not easy but I coped, yes got into debt, but have come out the other side stronger for it. My boys found out for themselves what their father was really like underneath!!

I have a colleague who tried for years to save a marriage where her husband had been identified as having a 'narcissistic personality disorder' (as previously mentioned). she kept paying off his debts, kept defending him wanting to save the marriage, but as has already been said you can't be a parent to a partner. She eventually got out - scarred but getting the support she needed from others now.

You will get lots of advice on here, but you have to be the one to make the decisions and carry them through. Be strong for you and your daughter and if that means selling YOUR house and helping to clear YOUR OWN debts and walking away from your SECOND child - do it, just wished I had the strength to have done it sooner.

Please don't think I am being harsh or critical I am really very sympathetic to your situation.

Billie x

AndyBSG

countrygirl1 wrote: »

But sometimes, he has crept downstairs early hours of the morning and taken my cards out of my wallet and then left the house for the day, so I often have to change my PIN.

You need to stop this immediately because the simple fact is that this is theft and you have no idea how vulnerable you are making yourself.

There are innumerable threads on here about loved ones and family members stealing from people and the most common theme in all of them is that the victim says 'I can't beleive he/she is capable of doing this to me he/she is my husband/wife/son/daughter/mum/dad'.

If there are occasions where he needs money from you then you draw the money out and give it to him or, even better, you get a bank account with mobile banking and faster payment transfers such as Nationwide and when he needs money you transfer it there and then and it will be in his account within minutes.

You certainly do not give him access to your PIN which will invalidate any legal protection you may have with regards to fraud and theft.

The simplest thing you can do is to completely seperate all of your finances from each other.

One big question, if it was a loan in your name that was used to buy the vehicles in question is it you the vehicles are registered to or him?

If they're in your name then you simply sell them regardless of what he says and claw back as much of the money as possible and make it clear to him that if he wants flash cars then he pays for them or gets the loans he needs to pay for them.

All of this may sound harsh but it's no harsher than the way he is treating you and the simple fact is that for your financial well being you need to start being as selfish as this man clearly is.

Danni-R

I just want to echo Hettie's comments.

I think its better for a child to be raised in a loving household regardless of the number of parents (or genders) then a 'forced' one where people arent happy. When your daughter grows up, she'll be devistated that she was the reason that you stayed unhappy for so long.

Seperate the finances and although you should put the adoption on hold don't stop the idea entirely. They do credit checks etc so it might be that with your OH out of the picture you have a better chance.

Please post your SOA so we can help.

Good luck :-)

Growurown

I had a similar problem too, OH wanting the high life, living way beyond our means to keep up with our friends. The recession hit and eventually the credit ran out. By the time we paid all our bills and minimum payments on the CCs there was hardly any money left, so we went down the DMP route and now OH has to live within his budget. The DMP has forced him to rein in his spending. He doesn't like it though.

I think there has been lots of good advice on here already, but I would definitely say to split your finances from your husbands. Both of you should contribute to the bills and the upkeep of your child and what is left over out of his wage is his to spend and the same for you. Don't give him any more money, and make sure he doesn't have access to your cards. I know someone who ended up with lots of payday loans because her partner used her debit card without her knowing. He arranged to have the money paid into his account, but the payments coming out of her account. Nice bloke.

Hope you get something sorted and things start to improve for you.

The_fog_has_lifted

Kate_fixing_it wrote: »

Much like the other thread similar to this I see my own situation mirrored

I have little in the way of advice but please take heart in the fact that you are not alone and now you have found this forum you never have to be again.

One thing that stuck out for me was (and I'm paraphrasing) "his cars are all he has" and "terrible childhood". I'm sure plenty of people here can tell you the stories of their childhood that'd make his hair curl, me included! To be blunt that's a BS excuse. If it's that bad surely that's a reason to want to help a child? His cars are nothing compared to a wife and daughter to love and support him. I can understand a hobby being a means of escape from the stresses of life but not at the cost of losing a family.

Keep posting here, you'll find the people are amazing, this forum has touched so many lives and helped. And remember you are not alone.

Kate x

sadly I have to echo this.
My husband is much the same as yours, but we have completely different circumstances. He too spends more that he should and refuses to change.
Ultimately you have to make a choice.
You stick with your marriage and do your best to make it work and he may/may not change and together you work things out OR
you can leave him and work your way out of the debts that are yours on your own, leaving him with his own to deal with.
On the tough love note, I have decided to stay with my DH and work it out, however, I am paying off my debts and leaving him to come to his LBM on his own. Ultimately if I pay off his debts he will never learn and the cycle will continue.
You can be strong and get through this whatever you decide. Ill be watching with interest.
Well done for tackling the problem, coming on here is the first step.
much love
Foggy

susieq87

not sure if this has been suggested but are you able to sell any of the cars if he has them? at this point you should "man up" so to speak and respectfully tell your husband that his pocket does not match his habits. there is nothing wrong with telling him when you cant afford. if the money is not there, its not there and he is not a child, he needs to understand that.

BitterAndTwisted

So, he's stolen the loan you took out for the loft-conversion and he tip-toes down the stairs at night to steal your cards to use? Themm when callaenged he comes up with some old carp about being entitled to indulge in his love for motors when he doesn't have the income to support it while all the time sabotaging the futures of you and your child?

Tell me again: what's in this for you precisely?

You'd be better off on your own the way things are going.

GingerFurball_2

Hang on, the OP's husband is being rightly criticised, but the OP also wants things she can't afford.

maganan

Hi countrygirl,

You really are having a tough time and what I'm about to say is truly not meant to add to it

countrygirl1 wrote: »

Hello

......... Or he goes all forlorn and says that cars are the only thing that give him enjoyment in life and without them he'll be .......

This is so sad what about is wonderful, kind, hardworking wife and lovely young daughter! Shouldn't any truly decent adult find love and fulfilment in you two?

I'm sorry that sounds harsh but you're clearly a kind and compassionate person caring about the man you love above all else and he had absolutely no concept of your worries and stress! Hopefully if you show him the thread and your SOA he may have his own lightbulb moment. I truly hope he does but from what you've said there appears to be a huge element of control every bit as unpleasant as that exhibited in "traditional" abusive relationships

Keep posting, do the statement of affairs, there are many many wise people who can advise you on the financial stuff. Work out exactly what is in your name alone and then you'll know what your liability is, hopefully armed with this information you can find a way forward and hopefully reconnect with the man you love

Sending good wishes and positive thoughts

Kate x