At Breaking Point - Why wont he grow up and stop spending?!

countrygirl1

Writing this in tears...the last few years have finally caught up on me. Always had an impeccable credit score and been a super saver, then I met the man who is now my husband...!

When we met he admitted he had been bad with money in the past, and was back on his feet. Paying off the debt he owed and rebuilding his credit score. His weakness is cars. He's a petrol head but unfortunately doesn't earn enough to support his rich man's hobby.

Over the years I have stupidly bought him cars he wanted, because I love him. And as the years have progressed, he has sunk ME further and further into debt. Everything is in my name (including the mortgage as he couldn't get credit for anything). However, I thought that when we married and started a family he would grow up and spend more wisely, plus learned his lesson from his past financial mistakes, and that everything would be fine.

Last year, we got a loan for £20,000 so that we could convert our loft. A step we have to take to be able to adopt a child (as our house is 2 bedroom and we were told the adopted child would need a room of their own and couldn't share with our daughter). It is my one dream to adopt a child and give them a loving home but he has wasted every penny of the loan on cars. We also have £4,000 on a credit card and a £4,000 overdraft.

I feel like my life is spiralling out of control, and even when I try and talk it through with him, or I'm distraught with anguish he maintains that he wants to live his lifestyle that makes him happy - car focused. He rarely pays anything off his debts, and it's me that's footing the credit card bills, fees and payments each month, despite earning a fraction of what he earns as I only work part time around school hours. He lies about money and in the past I have found out (not from him!) that he owes mates thousands of pounds for cars he has bought from them. I literally don't know what to do. I love my husband but he makes life so stressful I feel like I would rather be alone as I'd have less stress caused by him. I don't know how to cope with all this, and I'm angry that I am the only one working to pay off his immature spending habits.

Is anyone else in a similar situation? How have you coped?

hettiecarro

Hi
Welcome. I'm sorry you are having such a tough time at the moment.
I know it's no consolation - but you are not alone in being married to someone who won't grow up and take responsibility. There is another thread (started yesterday or the day before) on exactly this subject. You may want to read it. I think the title was 'What to do if OH doesn't want Debt Free journey. - something like that anyway.
I don't mean to be harsh or personal, but it seems to me (that like many of us) you have been afraid to say 'no' to him.
Who has control of the CC's etc now?
Not sure what your personal circumstances are, so maybe post an SoA (statement of affairs) on here, and that way you will at least get some very good practical advice on controlling your expenditure.


http://www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php
You have obviously tried talking to him about this - what has been the response so far.
All I can tell you (from personal experience) is that it IS possible to address your finances on your own - but it requires a lot of strength and a lot of 'NO's' along the way.
If this debt is in your name you have every right to expect a proper discussion as to how you can move this forward.
Dry your tears, do the SoA and then let the marvellous people on here support you. I'll look back in later to see if you've managed to do it, or have any questions.
PLEASE keep your chin up - you're on the right track and things can only go up from here.

tallyhoh

I have partner the same, actually you story sounds very much like mine.
I should have left him years ago but with a young son it was difficult as son would be devastated. Sorry to say this but I believe its a personality disorder, he wont change.


Suggest you google narcissistic personality disorder.


As for me, well, as everything is in my name & son is grown up, I think I'll be selling up & getting a life.

Puddylove

Sorry you are in such a difficult position.

My rather eccentric parents always said 'never have a joint bank account' and it works for me.

Perhaps you need to start extricating yourself from his money issues - no more credit, no paying back his debts, don't allow him access to your money etc. I understand that it would be difficult if you are a working mum though.

Suseka

Firstly, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this very sad and stressful situation.

You say he refuses to listen -or rather he does, but refuses to change his spending habits. Apart from being incredibly selfish -does he realise just how bad things are and the stress its causing you?

Would writing it down in black and white drive the message home?

NHS_worker_bee

Hi countrygirl, what a stressful situation for you, it sounds like you need to have a serious chat with your husband... I found filling in a 'statement of affairs' which spelt out in black and white how much income I had and what percentage of that I spend on debt repayments each month was enough motivation for me to make serious changes.

As it sounds like you are managing all the finances on your own, perhaps you could prepare a 'statement of affairs' in advance before you try to have a 'reality check' chat with your husband so that there is no opportunity for denial of debts and that you can see how much of your household income is going on repayments (and how much outstanding debt you have left?)

http://www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

It sounds like a very difficult situation for you but hopefully by finding out exactly what you owe it will allow you to have that conversation about how you are going to tackle it, whether that is on your own or together with your husband. I hope that seeing it written down in black and white helps him see sense.

Once you know how much you owe, you could use the snowball calculator to see if you can afford to pay the debt back on your income, and how quickly that could be cleared.

http://www.whatsthecost.com/snowball.aspx?country=uk

If not, contact StepChange or another reputable debt management charity for free help. Good luck.

Ps - The people on this forum will give you some invaluable firm but fair advice as they have done to me, so don't be afraid to post your statement of affairs (SOA) up for advice.

hettiecarro

Hi again.
What has he said about extension? Presumably you can't have it now. Has he got issues with the potential adoption?

countrygirl1

Hello Hettiecarro,

Thank you for your response, it is definitely consolation to know other people are in the same situation, and I will head over to have a look at the recent thread on it in a moment.

I think the trouble is, I try really hard to be respectful to him and let him do things his way as head of the household, and I always hope that he will change and make the efforts when he says he will. But his words are empty, and he lets me down on every promise he makes to me about paying things off and sorting himself out. He says it is all down to the poor childhood he had...! Most of the time when I try and confront him about it he gets angry and says he's not in the right frame of mind to discuss it. Or he goes all forlorn and says that cars are the only thing that give him enjoyment in life and without them he'll be depressed. Also, in answer to your question about adoption, he originally said that he wanted to do it, which is why we went along with the loan so we could progress our application with the adoption agency. But then of course he started spending that money and the other week he said to me he would rather enjoy life with nice things than adopting a child and having to stretch himself financially to pay for another person in the house!!! It was like taking a bullet hearing that.
I never ask for anything, can't even remember the last time I bought myself a new item of clothing. I just want to give an unfortunate child a loving home and I feel like I've had the opportunity to do that pulled from beneath my feet.

Everything is in my name, and he has to ask me for a relevant CC/bank card to purchase most things (outside of his own personal account and CC which I know NOTHING about and how much debt he might be in there!). But sometimes, he has crept downstairs early hours of the morning and taken my cards out of my wallet and then left the house for the day, so I often have to change my PIN.

Is an SOA literally posting on here all our outgoings, income and debt etc? I think my expenditure is pretty good, I'm very frugal and handle expected outgoings and living expenses pretty well.

Thank you so much for your lovely reply.

countrygirl1

Hello tallyhoh,

Thanks for your response. I have thought about leaving him many times, I feel like my life would be simpler but I can't bare the thought of my 4yo's devastation over it. And I think that essentially he is a good man...he's just self centred.

countrygirl1

Hi puddylove,

Thanks for your response. I definitely am going to start putting that into place, and separating everything but I have to get through sorting out the damage caused... plus, if he get's himself out of control, wont it affect me anyway?! Addresses can be blacklisted etc can't they?

My rather eccentric parents always said 'never have a joint bank account' and it works for me.

Perhaps you need to start extricating yourself from his money issues - no more credit, no paying back his debts, don't allow him access to your money etc. I understand that it would be difficult if you are a working mum though.

countrygirl1

Hello suseka,

Thank you for your email, I'm overwhelmed by the messages of support.

Honestly I think he's too self centred. Over the past couple of years I have developed fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, and he knows that stress play a big part in flaring these conditions up. But he is too focused on getting his next thrill. I literally feel like I have aged 30 years and I'm a shell of the person I used to be as he is a cause of so much stress on a daily basis.

I will give some thought to putting everything in writing...