At Breaking Point - Why wont he grow up and stop spending?!

Murphy2011

Got to be honest I agree with Tallyhoh on this, this chap sounds like a child frankly and whilst I appreciate you're trying to hold the family together what example is it giving to your actual child? Also how much are you denying yourself for him? I know it sounds cruel but I would financially separate yourself, give him say 6 months to start changing his ways and then if nothing changes, make the break.

Upsidedown_Bear

countrygirl1 wrote: »

Addresses can be blacklisted etc can't they?

Addresses are not "blacklisted". People can be "blacklisted".

Are you financially linked in anyway - mortgage, joint account etc?
If you are his financial behaviour/credit rating will affect you and vice versa.

lizzy23

countrygirl1 wrote: »

Hi lizzy23,

Thanks for your reply...what is a DMP? It's definitely time for tough love!

Debt management plan, you come to an agreement with your creditors to pay a more manageable sum, most will freeze interest, however its not guaranteed,it does mean that you end up paying the debts off,,,,,,, but it trashes your credit rating, however i would say with the level of debt you have your credit rating is probably trashed anyway, was the 20k loan unsecured??

tallyhoh

Could I also add that my partner is (was) a master of manipulation & yours sounds the same. Do what you believe is the right thing & close your ears & heart to anything else.

Upsidedown_Bear

countrygirl1 wrote: »

Hi lizzy23,

Thanks for your reply...what is a DMP? It's definitely time for tough love!

A DMP is a debt management plan.

http://www.stepchange.org/Howwecanhelpyou/DMPdebtmanagementplan.aspx

Kate_fixing_it

Much like the other thread similar to this I see my own situation mirrored

I have little in the way of advice but please take heart in the fact that you are not alone and now you have found this forum you never have to be again.

One thing that stuck out for me was (and I'm paraphrasing) "his cars are all he has" and "terrible childhood". I'm sure plenty of people here can tell you the stories of their childhood that'd make his hair curl, me included! To be blunt that's a BS excuse. If it's that bad surely that's a reason to want to help a child? His cars are nothing compared to a wife and daughter to love and support him. I can understand a hobby being a means of escape from the stresses of life but not at the cost of losing a family.

Keep posting here, you'll find the people are amazing, this forum has touched so many lives and helped. And remember you are not alone.

Kate x

Puddylove

Hi again.
I think the whole problem here is that you are parenting him. He wants to have nice toys, and thinks you need to provide them (to the extent of sneaking off with your cards).

When you try to say 'no' to him he either puts his fingers in his ears or has a tantrum (your communication counselling didn't work because he doesn't want to hear you).

You have one lovely daughter already, and could adopt as a single parent once you have sorted things out a little. The trick he played on you with the extension loan is unforgivably hurtful. :-(

I really think that you have to work towards financial separation, and possibly full separation in future.

You can't parent a partner.

Good luck - you sound amazing.

rockm87

im sorry to say I agree. Love can only go so far, he doesnt respect you and is taking you for everything he can get.

He is making a fool of you. If he loves his cars more than you, you and your daughter should be all he needs, especially when the going gets tough.

Put some distance between you and sort yourself out, then if he loves you and not your money he'll grow up!

tiny_courageous

And, to be blunt, he would never get through an adoption assessment from what you have described. He's not committed to the child you have, never mind another child.

The first thing you need to realise is that you cannot change him. If he is to change, he must do it himself. Are you willing to continue living this way until he makes that decision?

hettiecarro

Hi again.
I think we can all offer advice on how you should deal with your OH, but really it is only YOU who knows what you want the outcome of that to be.
In the meantime continue to separate yourself financially from him as much as you can. Get in touch with Stepchange to discuss a DMP with them. If you explain your circumstances they are very understanding (even when both partners are not on board).
I think realistically you have to put your adoption plans to the back of your mind for the time being. Dwelling on it will only drag you further down.
Sadly it is true that most 'leopards' don't change their spots, but there are some exceptions where a spouse has finally come on board and worked together to find a way through.
If you are having health issues also, it may be worth discussing this situation with your GP to provide you with extra support, and possibly look in to some sort of joint counselling if he is willing. If not you can get counselling to help YOU.
Should the worst happen and you're not able to resolve things with OH, PLEASE don't let your daughter be your reason for carrying on. The only reason to stay in a relationship is if you are both getting what you need from it. Children are very resilient and can actually do better with one loving responsible parent in a harmonious home than with two living in a constant war zone.:)
I think you are a long way from this, and hopefully by 'manning' up to your OH and refusing to be a pushover you will gain the respect and support he should already be affording you.