Frugal Frump to Fab - The Journey Continues

pirateyqueen

He he mine will all be DIY too, but at least that means I can do it in the comfort of my own home with a cup of tea and netflix!

Molly41

Im sorry to butt in but need some advice from Lesson Learned.

I know in previous threads you have run the gauntlet with SS over funding care homes - I am now in that position with my father and wondered if you could give me any information and advice from your perspective as opposed to written official stuff.

Im lost as it is the hardest decision made but my mother cannot cope with him and has made herself ill. I remembered your words on a previous thread about considering care and not burning out - as I know you worked very hard to keep your husband at home but eventually, even with care it became too much.

I understand that advice might be difficult to give but would so appreciate your considered view and what might be left for my mother after he goes into permanent care.

My Kind Regards.

lessonlearned

Hi Molly - so sorry to hear about your father and that your mother is struggling to care for him. How very sad and difficult for you all. And yes that decision to put a loved one into care is so so difficult. Even when it becomes inevitable you do tend to torture yourself with "could I have done this better, could I have done things differently".

In both my husband's case and in my mother's too (although it was dad who was mum's primary carer not me) we both, dad and I, soldiered on for far longer than we should have.

In my particular case I did at least do it in a planned and considered way but my father was a complete ostrich. When it came to it my mother had to be taken into care as an urgent case - i.e. that day - and it was just awful. That first home was not suitable but it was all they could offer so we had to take it and then start looking for something more suited to her needs. It was heartbreaking to have to leave her there because I just knew that she would be miserable. And she was. It took us 3 weeks to find something more suitable and she had to suffer that place.

If I could give one piece of advice it would be to search for care homes before you reach crisis point. If at all possible let your father have respite care first so that you can try out the home before making a commitment and having him admitted.

I looked at 12 homes for my OH and he had respite in 3 before we settled on the one he is in now. Even then there were a few hiccups to begin with and I still continued to rack my brains trying to find a way to bring him home. Now I am happy (if that is the word) with where he is - he's been there for nearly two and half years and he will die there. They are geared up to providing the same level of end of life care as a hospice. The staff know him well now, all his little quirks etc and even though he can't really communicate with them they know him well enough now to anticipate his needs in advance.

Of course we don't know how things will pan out in the end but I am more confident that he will have a "good death" - for want of a better expression - than he would in a busy hospital ward surrounded by strangers and nursing staff who don't know him from Adam.

So my best advice is give yourselves as much time as you can to look around for the home that is best suited to your father's needs. Accept that it will be "when" and not "if". Also think about your mum - she will want to visit regularly so pick one within relatively easy access to where she will be living.

When you want to view a home visit unannounced - don't book appts in advance. Similarly, when your father is admitted don't always visit at the same time - again make spur of the moment unplanned visits. It's the only way you will get a true picture of the home.

As for what happens to your mum when your father goes into care - I'm not sure what you mean here - do you mean her finances or her future life.

When it comes to finances it can be a bit of a minefield and the bureaucracy can drive you round the bend - the paperwork seems endless but at least your mum will have you to help and guide her.

Make sure you ask SS to arrange for a Welfare Rights Officer to visit your mum and go over the money side of things, ask them to do a benefits check. They are a fount of wisdom and very knowledgeable - they can even fill out forms if necessary.

You might have to dig your heels in for this because SS don't always volunteer this service.

In general you will find that you do have to fight and fight for every little thing - finance but also equipment, assessments etc. Please don't assume that once someone is in care you can just relax.

I am sorry to sound negative here - everyone does their best - but I do find that patients do need to have advocates to speak up for them and you do have to be quite vociferous at times. Your mum may be fit and strong enough to be your father's advocate but I'm guessing she will need your help and input, at least to start with.

As for "what is left" when your father goes into care. My view is that in many ways it is a form of bereavement. Your father will of course still be alive but your mother will have lost her husband and companion of many years and she is likely to feel bereft. If she will have to live alone again it will take some time to adjust.

I often describe it as being in Limbo - you are no longer a wife nor are you yet a widow. Limbo is a very strange place to live in…..You can't make plans and it is easy to just drift. Hopefully, in time she will be able to start rebuilding her life even if it's just a coffee with a friend.

BTW - I should point out that as far as the benefits system goes and for things like Council Tax etc your mother will find that she will be classed as a single person, even though your father is still very much alive. I found that quite shocking and rather insensitive but it's just one example of unfeeling red tape ……….

I hope I've helped a bit. If there is anything more specific please feel free to pm me and I will see if I can help point you in the right direction.

You might find some useful tips on the over 50's board and Age Concern have a range of leaflets and little booklets which might cover what you are looking for. Although I've not used them I'm told that PALS can be useful (Patient Liaison Service). You access them through your local hospital.

Hope all goes as well as can be. My very best wishes and kind regards to you and your family.

lessonlearned

A couple more thoughts……

When your father does go into care do make sure that he has a full assessment, that he gets any equipment he needs - i.e. wheelchair, speech and language, any hand splints or whatever. You may have to shout quite loud …….

Also - and I know this is not what you want to have to face - but also think about Wills, Powers of Attorney, Advance Directives etc.

Think about whether or not your father wants a DNR on his notes (Do Not Resuscitate) (sorry I know, I know:o) what kind of treatments he is prepared to accept etc

These are all deeply unpleasant issues to face but it really is better to clear the air and get it all sorted out whilst your father can still communicate his wishes.

My mother took a turn for the worse a couple of days ago and my poor sister had to make some decisions on her behalf. Mum was unconscious and my father could not and would not make a decision. Luckily mum has rallied again but it has rammed it home just how unstable her condition is and that she could go downhill very fast and without prior warning.

Yesterday I confronted my father and told him he simply had to get a proper care plan in place and that we had to have clear and concise instructions - for both of them. He went ballistic and gave me a load of abuse. I tried 3 times to get him to discuss the issues. In the end I had to tell him that my sister and I should not be put that position again. We need guidelines.

I was very brutal with him and told him he simply had to stop being an ostrich. We need to know what to do, how best to protect their interests and to see that their wishes are complied with. I told him that we cannot do that if he won't discuss it with us so he had better get his head round it.

I've left him to stew for a few days but I will be pressing him for some answers. In the meantime I've asked the nursing home to fish out some leaflets for him to read about end of life care etc.

My mother did confide some of her thoughts and fears to me some time ago but foolishly I didn't get her to complete an advance directive. This was before her last stroke and I thought we had plenty of time to sort things out.

I did try to tell Dad at the time about my conversation with mum but he refused to listen. I really should have pushed then. Now that her dementia has really got a grip it's very difficult because she is often too confused to give instructions. My dad refuses to discuss matters and just spouts a load of Catholic mumbo jumbo - the Church says this, the Church say that.

My mum couldn't give a fig about Catholic dogma and she has told me that she wants to be left to die in peace, without invasive treatments or intervention. However, my dad refuses to have a DNR on her files. I queried her nursing home yesterday what would happen and they told me that in law "The default position for the medical profession is if there is no DNR in place then we have to attempt to resuscitate".

I know my mum doesn't want this but I can't prove it…...

For two pins I'd leave him to it and say sort out the mess yourself but then that means I would be betraying my mum.

So Molly my advice on this one is make sure you have these conversations with your mum and dad sooner rather than later.

I have done this with my OH. We did it over a series of little chats. We kept it light - we even managed to giggle a bit and make a few jokes. They are not the most pleasant of topics for conversation but my OH feels much better now that we've discussed everything and he has managed to makes choices and make his preferences known.

I feel easier too because I know that I can be sure that I am following his instructions and respecting his wishes.

Knowing what I now know about the system I have already done my own Health and Welfare Power of Attorney as well as the financial one so that my sons know exactly how to deal with these issues should I become incapacitated.

On a lighter note I had a good day, Pilates this morning and then working at DS2's house this afternoon, still up to my neck in plaster dust but loving it:D

Floss

LL thanks for sharing your response to Molly's question, I'm sure your words will be helpful to others at some time. We are beginning to consider that for MiL and your advice will be invaluable but it will be 240 miles away from us in Scotland where things are slightly different financially.

Molly41

Thank you so much - you don't know how much you have helped me and others - really wish it had not come to this for you and everyone else.

I have to have the discussion with my father this afternoon xxxx

Hope all things going well as can be expected x

Floss

Hope your discussion went ok Molly x

Buffythedebtslayer

I was searching for a healthy eating diet thread, and this came up in the search.


I know Lessonlearned from another thread and she is amazing there and if it is possible even more amazing here. You show search kindness and support LL. I hope you know how much it means to people who read you posts


Love Buffy XX

lessonlearned

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

I was searching for a healthy eating diet thread, and this came up in the search.


I know Lessonlearned from another thread and she is amazing there and if it is possible even more amazing here. You show search kindness and support LL. I hope you know how much it means to people who read you posts


Love Buffy XX

Aww shucks - says she with her best "Goofy" chuckle. I'm nothing special.

Welcome to our Fab little world - glad you are joining us.

Molly - hope all is well, thinking of you.

You too Floss

It's not an easy time for you so treat yourselves and your loved ones gently.

Had a nice restful day yesterday after my exertions last week, just pottering about. Today I am off to help DS1 either gardening or decluttering - depending on the weather.

I had a thought yesterday - this thread has been going for around 3 years now. It began at the time when I was at my lowest ebb ever. I was searching for care homes for my OH and also trying to stave off bankruptcy.

Astonishing how time flies.

Have I reached Full Fabulousity yet - :rotfl::rotfl: - not quite but getting there.

In all seriousness I do feel stronger, fitter and healthier and apparently I do look better - and yes my finances are much better too.

My sister only commented the other day that I looked "trim". I think that's down to the Pilates - my back certainly seems much stronger.

And of course I do try and practice what I preach about posture;). Again I think Pilates helps correct posture faults. I still struggle a bit with some of the moves - I doubt that I'll ever be able to stand for long on one leg but I will keep practising because I think it's vital to try and maintain one's balance to avoid falls for when we get older.

I still need to lose some weight. I seem to have developed a stress fracture in my right foot and my knees still play up so losing a bit more weight would be beneficial. That's my next goal.

I have already more or less eliminated wheat from my diet and I do feel much better. I allow myself some now and again but I soon know when I've overdone it. It does take a bit of menu planning because wheat and grains are the staple of quick and easy snacks and I do miss bread sometimes.

I have decided to try a slimming club. I'm not keen on slimming clubs as such but apparently it's one with a difference. It's run at the same clinic where I do my pilates. It's run by a lady who is both a psychologist and a nutritionist. Apparently she doesn't go in for the happy clappy stuff. She concentrates on food knowledge and a bit of psychology.

I'll give it a whirl - after all what have I got to lose :rotfl: (Sorry couldn't resist the awful pun).

Right time to start the day.

Have a good one……...

Rummer

Lovely to hear you so upbeat today LL these threads have certainly helped many become more fabulous

I have a grim week ahead of me so I am taking today to relax at home with family and to do a bit of fobbing to help me get through. At least I have a nice treat at the end of the week to look forward to!

Diet wise I am slowly improving with some bad days. My eating is clearly linked to my emotions and I need to get that sorted out. Like you LL I need to reduce the amount of bread I eat as I am sure it is getting in the way of my slimming (ok maybe not as much as the chocolate :rotfl:)

I am still exercising and have been dragging myself out to do the c25k every second day. I am truly dreadful at it however I am convinced if I keep plugging away that I will eventually be able to move on from week 1 :rotfl:

Appearance wise I have let the fabbing slip a bit I have been in the house or working in the garden so no reason to fab however if I have gone out I have made an effort.

Next week will be formal dress all week so I will put on some slap too I need to get a new foundation as my bottle has gone off, not even had it a year and it has gone all funny so I will pick a bottle up when I am next in Boots.