Carrot cake in the oven

supersaver1000

Ooh. I think the storm is here. :eek:

Yes he likes snakes. I was trying to think of a strong snake, perhaps viper may be the wrong impression, but snakes are beautiful, graceful and you wouldn't mess with one. I was definitely not the worm. I know he appreciates me but I let him take me for granted and that's NOT on any longer. Maybe I'm more of a rattle snake.

Yes INOD, he likes to pretend he's loaded. I Realised that a while before my LBM. Champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget. Still we have some wonderful memories. But I agree with WF8 that's it's just as easy to have a good time on less. In fact if you can't have a good time on less, then no matter how much money you spend it won't feel any better. Throwing good money after bad!

Mr SuperDave needs his own LBM day. He's had mini ones but is still not trustworthy with a budget. Head firmly buried in the sand! Plonker! He still can't quite see that all money is worth saving nor that the £1 or £2 extra saved ( or spent) can really add up. His dad was a flash git who spent everything so I guess the apple doesn't fall far. You'd think he'd take his fathers example and want to do differently. Sorry I'm not really having a major downer on MrSS, but it's another kind of lightbulb moment. Brought on by being cheesed off by his moans about saving. When my savings recently allowed him to spend over £700 on something he needed in cash. Or that will allow him to pay £150 for something over Christmas. Funny that isn't it. I think I'm just cheesed off with haven't to fight the debt, then constantly be on my guard against him wearing me down with his moans. Frickin eejit.

Can't wait to start the saving challenge

Flipping fly is on my bedside lamp stirring up the dust now. Frickin fly. :A

Whitefeather8

I love your description of a snake, I like queen cobras. You and DH sound like the union of a supersaver with a superspender, which is bound to cause some tension, especially if he is benefitting from your saving and you are not benefitting from his spending.

Is he open to being gently told how you are feeling about the relationship being out of balance, over a bottle of wine, when he is relaxed?

supersaver1000

Thanks Wf8. MrSS spent about £250 every week on a couple of nights drinking and a curry with his mates. £1000 a month for a couple of years = £24,000. I don't think that he has had a lightbulb moment about that yet - and it always ends in tears when I try to show him or speak to him.

There's definitely something in his psyche connected to drinking with mates and in general just wasting money. I understand that his spending money is a cry for attention - he likes to flash the cash/makes him feel good. His father is the same so I can see where that came from. He currently has about £330 of our monthly budget to spend how he likes and he pays about £80 to a club subscription which is great value as it keeps him fit, healthy and away from spending. Then he buys stuff for his hobby and the rest is frittered. He hasn't saved a penny in his savings! I would love him to keep track of his spending for a month and see where it all goes. I keep trying to talk to him but he is master of avoidance for money and DIY. He is I know an addictive personality so I just need to get him addicted to those two things and we'll both be happy.

Will try and get him to do the money log next month. I will offer him a reward of £80 in his savings account if he completes it for the whole of January! I will also try to explain to him how his spending makes me feel although it will end in tears. It's funny but the debts have made me feel terribly tied to MrSS - i.e. If we split (yes I have thought about it) I wouldn't be able to pay them off on my own and he wouldn't pay them off (he would grow them). So initially when I started clamping down it was partly to put myself in the position of having choices - I.e. Finances wouldn't be a consideration in keeping our relationship together. But as the debts go down I can see it's not the debts that are keeping us together, but they are the main cause of stress. However - who caused the debts? MrSS and so who causes the stress? - MrSS. SO MrSS STOP FRICKING spending on DRINKING and we'll all be a lot happier.

It all feels very precarious as I feel Mr SS's spending could sky rocket anytime, although to be fair he's had his allowance for over a year and has had only a few minor blips. I think my plan is going to be to ask him to keep a spending log and as a reward he gets a savings account for a holiday fund. Ooh. Just had a thought, he can also show if he needs an increase in allowance which will be another motivator for him.

ps please don't get me wrong, he has always been very generous and I have lots of jewellery (which is my investment for our stamp duty/fees once we get a deposit together - that sounds scary, borrowing a huge amount with Mr irresponsible again) and we've had loads of holidays. I guess I've clamped on that but clamping down on his 'little' spends has been harder. My next target is to get his credit card off of him. Perhaps once I've built up his savings pot we can swap that with the credit card - at least then he can see that frittering money on drinking would be vs a holiday.

pps. Please don't think Im moaning. This is so helpful in working out how to get MrSS to be responsible with money. I can't keep being the only one to hold the purse strings tight. I want a more sharing and thoughtful relationship with him around money

Whitefeather8

It is not moaning; you are peeling away at the layers of the onion to get to the deeper levels of the issues, and then trying to find a solution to what is a really, really tricky dilemma, trying to change another person's hard wired behaviour patterns, which are destructive.

In sharing your experiences, you are helping readers, like myself, to address our own blockages to getting where we want to be, so thank you xx.

I love the way that your self esteem is growing and that you want an equitable relationship with DH, I don't think that is too much to ask.

You have already made tremendous inroads, cutting his spending by 70%, which is a massive achievement and has possibly saved you both from a future bankruptcy situation. Stay strong and try and ignore his whinging. You can do this!!!

in_need_of_direction

I agree with wf but wonder why you are so keen to avoid tears. Maybe he needs to see just how bad this makes you feel. He isn't a child, he shouldn't need to be incentivised. Maybe to do the 1 month diary but not be an increase in already fairly generous spends. Hon, just keep doing what you're doing, let him see how he makes you feel and work towards august 2015. Then you'll have the head space to really see what you want from life. When my marriage was in its death throes, we bought a v nice new second car, tried weekends away, I changed my job, etc. the matter still had to be addressed. Just keep offloading, we will be here for you.

joedenise

It's certainly not moaning it's a great way to putting things into perspective. I think it always helps to write things down - whether it be privately in a diary or publicly in an online forum like this where no-one knows you; it's very therapeutic.

I agree with INOD that you shouldn't dangle a carrot of more spending money for MrSS - I think he already has a very generous allowance. My DH and I don't have an allowance at all but as we do everything together various things like holidays, weekends away (in our motorhome); eating out are all budgeted for. If it's for a big money item which hasn't been budgeted for then he will cash in some of his premium bonds - he saves £50 a month by SO so we don't really count this in our savings - it is treated as a "treats" fund, so as long as there is enough in bonds he can have something which can't be got from budgeted spending money.

If DH needs/wants money for anything small it comes from our budgeted "spending money" for the month. For example, this week his firm are running a charity raffle for a local cause with some fantastic prizes so he has had some money to get some tickets for it. If he wins something then so much the better!

I use YNAB and have found it to be really useful to see where our money is going and in the 5 months I've been using it I've managed to save more than I used to when I was working (I've been retired for 4 years now and saved very little).

supersaver1000

Thank you Wf8, INOD and joedenise. It really is great therapy writing it all down. I feel I can actually cope with it and it doesn't feel so frustrating. Thank you for your replies, it makes me feel validated.

liltdiddylilt

Hello lovely

SOrry I have been awol

Looks like you have been doing some real thinking out loud, and stop apologising for that! People are right. it is therapeutic, and helpful, not just for you. Sometimes it is good for others in similar situations to see how someone else is dealing with things. Real honesty gets real results.

However... In the case of INOD saying a few tears might bring Mr SS around... maybe. But if he is anything like Him, then likely he would run for the hills/get nasty in response. He can't abode that kind of 'weakness' and he jumps on it. My dad is the same.

Thinking outside the box - if he has one addictive personality, have you thought about setting him the task of 'making' the money he wishes to spend? Never before have I seen Him so motivated as to the last few weeks when he has been running back and forth to the Post Office sending parcels, trying to get the best of the best deals on HUKD, all to get the games/WiiU that he wants for our joint Xmas present. It is borderline obsession and principle that he refuses to pay full price for anything, and then tries and makes the money back that he has spent!

Big hugs to you!! xx

supersaver1000

OMG just spent an hour and two posts have disappeared into the sunset.

However, lovely of you to drop by Litly and I have just spent an age talking to myself.

Plan is to:

Spring clean and declutter over Christmas

Agree a family food budget and put it onto a cash card account each month.

Give myself an allowance each month. £150 - tee hee :T:D:rotfl::) (there are a few big expenses before I can do this )

Get MrSS to do an SOA and see if we can get him saving.

Just popping to yours for coffee now

Ss1k xx

Greying_Pilgrim

supersaver - I know I am thick as a plank, but I've lost track - when is the new post starting?

Love that you have Plans, Plans and more plans - moving forward all the time

Have a fantabulous day

Greying