Falling apart because of falling in love

[Deleted User]

I'm disappointed that there (apparently) aren't many men responding to this thread. I would agree with all the advice that you've already had though.

It seems to me that the sooner you tell him the more likely he is to be relieved that there isn't really anything wrong with your relationship, rather than having had time to turn his love into hate.

Many (30) years ago I had a GF who was very flat chested but it didn't put me off, she was kind, sweet, caring, loving, and pretty too. She had also been made to feel very insecure about herself. The relationship didn't last, but not through anything to do with her appearance (or any fault on her part for that matter).

I also had a GF with a big scar on her arm, even though that was her own fault: she'd had a great big tattoo removed!

A text is easy to send but it's also dangerously easy to ignore, all it takes is one press of the delete button in a fit of pique, and with your self confidence the way it is you're not likely to try again. If you phone him you have the chance to react to what he says in real time. You didn't say what his reaction was when you broke up, didn't he ask you why? Try and let him see that it wasn't any fault of his before he has time to reject you.

Scorpio33

I am male and i have scars on my body which no one else can see. My wife was with me when I got the scars so she is fully aware, but I can empathise with you that it is a very difficult thing to share with people.

Dumping him and not saying why is an indication that you still have not fully accepted the scars as part of you. You are pushing him away assuming he would not like what he sees - which is not necessarily the case.

It is easier to avoid having to tell people about your scars as then you can carry on as you are which is a lot easier. Certainly a lot of people I am good friends with have no idea about my scars. But this guy obviously means a lot to you, and if you never share this with anyone, you will probably end up on your own, which is something I think you do want to avoid. You just need to be choosy as to who you do tell and it is scary sharing something so personal, but unless you do something different and share this with the select few special people, nothing will change.

You obviously care about him which is why you want to tell him. A difficult conversation needs to be had no matter what way you go about it. What I would do is write it down on a letter to him, read it yourself and if necessary re draft the letter to him. That way what you want to say is all clear in your head. Then arrange to meet with him and attempt to tell him what you are thinking - having a clear head and knowing exactly what you are going to say.

There is no way of knowing which way it will go, but if the worse happens then he is not worth bothering about - but if you really thought that would be the case then you would not be thinking of telling him. You know this guy, he seems pretty decent, so don't expect the worse.

For me, most guys would say that yes, physical attraction is important initially, however once you know someone, that is irrelevant almost. What matters more is personailty fit, life aspirations, interests etc. as that is what makes spending time with someone enjoyable. Most men would choose someone physically unattractive with a great personailty over someone attractive physically, but a horride personality - looks fade, but personailty generally does not change.

Good luck with it all, and I am sure it will all work out for the best. The guy is most likely confused over what happend, so it may answer some fears he has and hopefully you can start off again where you left off. No need to show him yet, take things as slow as you need to, but he deserves some honesty off you.

jamesml

InMyBubble wrote: »

I haven't even thought about how he feels I've been so caught up with my own insecurities. He will hate me for being selfish.

I think he'll understand why you acted in the way you did - but only after you have a proper conversation with him and explain to him.

Hopefully you have started that process now - because I agree with one of the other posters that the longer you leave this, the harder it will be for both of you and the less likely it is you will get it back together. Don't forget to think about how he must be feeling from this as well and acknowledge it to him.

Genuinely, considering you've ended it you have nothing to lose now from telling him, but you have everything to gain - even if it doesn't work out with him, you've taken that first step which will help you in all your future relationships.

Good luck! Stick at it, and don't forget to let us know how it goes.

warwicktiger

InMyBubble
Please come back and tell us you have got in touch with him.

hazyjo

UPDATE: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4925679