Falling apart because of falling in love

justme111

Op , if I was this guy I might have said "no thanks" to you not because of your scar but because of your insecurity. Nearest and dearest end up paying for one's insecurities and he has already got grief from them. I am not a nurse to cater to insecurities , I want emotionally healthy person near by because if not I will be getting short straw all the time where this person will not have enough emotional strength to think about how I feel and its going to be "me me me" all the time. Your scar is not an issue , baggage is. I am sure you have many redeeming qualities so this guy may look past this baggage , your only option is to tell him and if he does not want you because you are too much hassle to deal with then be it , hopefully it will teach you something. Ps. It's not a good idea to pretend o be casual when you are not.

Ps. I am quite "shallow " in that appearance means a lot to me , I would not be put off by scars though.

Seanymph

I hope you have managed to speak with him.

I was in an accident, and have a badly scarred leg. I have stretch marks, and I lost my boobs to gravity a while back.

The first time or two I got naked with OH I was fairly nervous I admit - but I bet every person on here could write a list of their 'bad bits'.

But the thing is you see because I loved him I trusted him to love me. And when someone loves you, they don't hurt you.

So, I trust him not to hurt me.

In return, I don't hurt him.

That's the deal.

We love each other, we work and not hurting each other, ever.

You've hurt your guy - he didn't hurt you - you never gave him the chance to, you decided he MIGHT, so you hurt him first in case.

You can't do that - you have to not hurt him no matter what, and trust him not to hurt you no matter what.

Tell him, be open, explain, and trust him. If he's half the man you think he is, he won't hurt you - even though you hurt him first.

But don't make a habit of it! Your job is to not be hurtful no matter what. Hang onto that, you'll have a glowing future together, because it seems like he already knows it, you just need to learn it.

mountainofdebt

Obviously I don't know the extent of the scarring but Amanda Redman was scarred in a similar sort of way and she (to me at least!) is an inspiration of not letting it affect her in either terms of her career or on a superficial level, what she wears.

Personally I think you need to explain the poor guy who is wondering what on earth he did wrong but do it sober! What about writing to him (a letter or at worst an email) but for goodness sake not a text!

duchy

I do think it is true that if you lack confidence sometimes you are so focused on protecting yourself that you forget other people have vulnerabilities too. Like this guy who was betrayed by his girlfriend so was taking things nice and slow himself.......and found a nice girl who was happy (he thought) to take things slowly)-and then rejected him with no explanation. To have a successful relationship you have to learn to trust....and whilst you're learning -communicate-not shut the other person out. It's as true of friendships as relationships and isn't always easy but is worth keep trying for the right people.

krlyr

Think of it this way. If you've already dumped him, you have absolutely nothing to lose by telling him. He can react one of two ways - he may be put off by it and decide not to persue a relationship with you, in which case, you're in exactly the same position as now (except you lose the 'what if' worries). Or he can accept you for you, love you regardless of your scars and you could be very happy.

pawsies

Inevitably you are going to have to show at least one of your future boyfriends the scar, or they'll see it anyway. You may aswell make it the nice guy who has been treating you right. Who knows maybe he has something he has hiding? Maybe he has experience of people with scars in the past.

marisco_2

Children can be incredibly cruel, often having no real understanding of the impact their actions or words have on a person. I don't doubt that it must have been awful for you when school friends saw you as a monster because of your scaring. To assume though, that a grown man who you portray as being really decent, would react in the same way gives him no credence at all. Rather than view you as a monster I should think his first response now, would be to feel very hurt that you could think he would react so badly to you. In his shoes I would question why someone I was in a relationship with, felt unable to place enough trust in me to be completely open and honest about something so important to them. I hope he will agree to see you again so that you can explain things and that you two can sort this out.

justme111

marisco wrote: »

Children can be incredibly cruel, often having no real understanding of the impact their actions or words have on a person. I don't doubt that it must have been awful for you when school friends saw you as a monster because of your scaring. To assume though, that a grown man who you portray as being really decent, would react in the same way gives him no credence at all. Rather than view you as a monster I should think his first response now, would be to feel very hurt that you could think he would react so badly to you. In his shoes I would question why someone I was in a relationship with, felt unable to place enough trust in me to be completely open and honest about something so important to them. I hope he will agree to see you again so that you can explain things and that you two can sort this out.

I would not question her doing what she has done , I would understand - hurt is a powerful illogical sometimes all overpowering motive. I am not sure I would want to deal with it though if I were him - too taxing. I understand op's fear , I have seen grown men hurting people and rejecting them for appearance so its perfectly feasible that he would too . I don't agree with those statements that he would not and that he is perfectly entitled to. The crux here is op seeing herself as a monster so she would be very hurt by this rejection. If she did not see herself that way she would been able to cope with rejection far better . She should be able to disclose info not because she hopes he would not reject her but because it is just one of traits that make her , not something she can correct and not something she dislikes in herself , just a matter of finding a compatible person and needs to be made known in a selection process.

rachiibell

Good luck OP! I hope you can explain everything to him and it all works out for you both. If not at least take the chance and tell him. Regrets of what you didn't do are the hardest to live with. And even if it doesn't work out you will come out of it stronger for having the confidence to share your scars.

justme111

Op , don't beat yourself up if you don't tell him. I have been lucky in not being in your shoes but I think I understand you. Just realise that if you yourself don't sort it in your head there will be no fairy godmother or handsome prince to save you .