Falling apart because of falling in love

InMyBubble

Hello,

I really need to confide in somebody so this anonymous post will help ease my conscience. I am single and have been forever! I'm 25 and have never had a serious relationship! I met this guy just before Christmas at speed dating in a local bar, he wasn't there to meet anyone, just supporting a friend who was and was only filling the numbers so there was equal men and women. When he came to my table we clicked right away and the whole 5 minutes was excellent, so I asked him to have a drink with me after and we chatted for a good 3 hours after. I found out he had not long split from his gf who cheated on him, this was why he wasn't looking for anyone. We swapped numbers and he even paid for my taxi home because he didn't want me walking home #TrueGent!

We started texting non stop, it was clear we liked each other and went on further dates. Spent days together, kissed, cuddled, held hands and chatted the day away. He never pushed me for sex which was nice because my v plates are still on, unlike other guys who went for the kill as soon as I spoke to them. The relationship started to go further and I wanted it to become serious but I have a secret I hide from everyone.

When I was a toddler I climbed on the cooker and pulled a saucepan of boiling water on to myself and suffered really bad burns all over the front of my body. The scars are really bad and I hide my body by dressing in ways to not expose anything ever! I was bullied at school, they used to call me a monster.

Last week I was going to tell this guy about my scars because I love him. He's so handsome, smart, kind, funny and sweet. He is everything I want in a man. I was curious to see what his ex girlfriend was like so I snooped through his facebook timeline and found her. She is so beautiful and I'm nothing compared to her. I thought if he knew I was a monster he wouldn't want me so I decided the easiest way out was to break up with him and I did.

Now I'm in pieces, I love him so much but don't know what to do. I want to tell him about my scars and hope he would accept me but my anxiety is telling me not to. I keep reading a text he sent me one morning it says "just to start your day with a smile, I'll remind you you're not forgotten" it was so sweet that he wrote that and it keeps bringing me to tears everytime I read it

duchy

Well if you don't tell him he'll think you aren't attracted to him and the relationship will fizzle out - so what do you have to lose by telling him ?

As for his "beautiful" girlfriend - beauty comes from within -and he decided her beauty didn't make up for the ugliness of infidelity.

My Mum had a really bad skin complaint - her whole body at times was covered with ugly angry red weeping patches ...It started when she was in her very early twenties-before she met my Dad. He would tell everyone he was married to the most beautiful woman in the world - because that's what he saw ...... That's what love is. Give this guy a chance. If you don't you'll always wonder "what if.... "

Incidentally I saw photos of my Dad's girlfriend before my Mum once-she was absolutely gorgeous ......... but he chose my Mum because love isn't blind -it just sees the whole person and loves the imperfections as well as the perfections.

Pauline is right - this is all about you. If you love him -why would you hurt him by breaking up with him. What about HIS feelings ?

Tropez

If you love him, tell him. If he loves you back it won't make a blind bit of difference whether you have scars or not.

Obviously, our initial attraction to someone is based on their looks, or our perception of their looks but love is more than that. It's emotional and though our looks will go (mine went years ago and I'm only 30) that emotional bond will be stronger.

I understand you're anxious about this but don't compare yourself to anyone else because he isn't with them, he's with (or was with) you.

paulineb_2

You've made his decision for him without allowing him to know whats wrong, I wonder how he's feeling right now.

tea_lover

What have you got to lose by telling him? He sounds like a genuine, kind man and he obviously cares about you. Give him a chance.

If you can't face telling him face to face maybe send him an email where you can explain how you feel, and the impact those horrible bullies have had on your self-esteem.

What's the worst that can happen if you tell him? And the best? What's the only thing that can happen if you just break up with him with no explanation? Take a chance x.

Artytarty

Listen here now! I'm putting on my stern Mummy voice and telling you what I said to my daughter!
She has a large birthmark covering the side of ther left breast and going into her armpit and down the back of her upper arm.
By the time your fella gets to see it he won't care, he will feel tenderly towards you and it won't , I repeat, WONT matter a jot!
Guess what? I was right.
This scar is just a part of who,you are, a small piece of your history. It does not define you.
Incidentally, despite some unsuccessful laser therapy when she was young, daughter now says she accepts the mark and it is part of her to stay.

candycane77

I can understand you being nervous, but it sounds like he is really fond of you and your hurting now, because you ended it anyway. I think you should be honest with him and tell him the truth about what happened to you. I think you may be surprised. Kids say awful things growing up a lot of children I know who were bullies are mortified by there behaviour back then. If you tell him and he is put off then its his loss. At least you will know you tried. Good luck x

newcook

Just because his ex is beautiful looking does not mean that she is the same on the inside – she has already proved this by cheating on him.
He has chosen to be with you as he likes you and wants to spend time with you. If he chooses to run for the hills when he finds out about your scars then he isn’t the right person for you.

You are not a monster – you had a terrible accident.

Don’t hide this away from him as if he knows you as well as you say he does he will know you are keeping something from him.

DomRavioli

Hi OP,

Tell the guy - I'm pretty sure he won't be bothered (mine wasn't, and my scars are quite extensive from surgeries).

I'd also suggest seeing your GP as I'm not sure you've come to terms with your scars, and there are people who can help you learn to live with them and not be afraid of them. Being bullied for it is horrendous, but it is the past - you cannot judge the future by what immature teenagers said a long time ago, it is time to face up to yourself and how beautiful you are.

Letting go is scary, as is telling someone about it when you still have those feelings attached to those scars, but you're both adults, I really doubt he will be bothered.

Hope you do find some solace in knowing you're not alone, and it all works out for you

charlie3090

Aw honey, please dont be afraid, one of my arms is badly scarred from wrist to shoulder,I have always been really paranoid about it because people stare.
When I plucked up the courage to show my now husband,all he was worried about was if it hurt me ,he never even notices except to make sure I use good sun cream.
99.9 % of men are not shallow and superficial like they are made out to be,
take courage and tell him and remember that he likes you for you and he will see beyond this, for all you know he may have a few things of his own that he is shy about,
hugs,
Charlie

InMyBubble

Tropez wrote: »

If you love him, tell him. If he loves you back it won't make a blind bit of difference whether you have scars or not.

Obviously, our initial attraction to someone is based on their looks, or our perception of their looks but love is more than that. It's emotional and though our looks will go (mine went years ago and I'm only 30) that emotional bond will be stronger.

I understand you're anxious about this but don't compare yourself to anyone else because he isn't with them, he's with (or was with) you.

I'm just scared, I've never been in this situation before and telling my darkest secret to a guy who fell in love with me without knowing my secret will probably scare him off.