Depression Support Thread

juno

Thanks Tiff and BMF, your kindness made me cry. I can sort of see that I'm not all bad, and people do like me even though I can't see why. I think I've been a bit messed up recently because I've started my counselling now (and had a session on friday) so thinking things over has made them seem more real somehow.

Amy is looking happier. She's now awfully fussy over what she eats, so I've been mixing several different seeds for her each day - and I guess that just proves what you've said! I do feel guilty though, as everyone asks what happened, and I don't know. I feel I should know, and that I should be watching out for her all the time.

BigMummaF

Just for the sake of it, check out this site...
www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html

I haven't laughed so much in ages & had to literally run to the little mumma's room. I found it on the Arms discussion thread....amazing what you can find when you're not looking!

queensway_boy

BigMummaF wrote: »

Just for the sake of it, check out this site...
www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html

I haven't laughed so much in ages & had to literally run to the little mumma's room. I found it on the Arms discussion thread....amazing what you can find when you're not looking!

Eh the daily mail?

Tulip

slowlyfading wrote: »

Hello Katie
I'm in rehersals all weekend as I'm in a concert tonight, so its going okay so far are you doing much today? x x

:hello: SF,

I went to my parents for lunch today and then I relaxed when I got home,I was so tired I went to sleep Yesterday afternoon I had made some christmas cards,I have got some more to make as I got some more bits and pieces this morning and my newspaper

tonight I am watching a documentary on Kylie Minogue called White Diamond and its on at 8pm on Channel 4.


love and light,

Katie xxx

Tiff_2

Hi guys!:hello:
I'm hoping everyone's safe and sound this Sunday afternoon?

Well peeps, the pc seems to be feeling better tonight - I don't think it had any kind of virus, although it was behaving as though it had the Black Death! At one point, I thought it must be me with the problem.

And just to make matters worse,
- btw, ''worse'' has been a life-long acquaintance of mine! -

Tiffy was quite poorly through the night with her tummy. I strongly suspect that someone has tampered with the catnip!

Aside from re-issuing apologies to all for some very shoddy and scarce Tiffing, I'm going to keep my promise and open up to you about what's been going on at Tiff Towers. It's the least I can do - I'd hate you to think that I just didn't care about you all.

I won't bore you with the 'where do I start?' routine - !
In fact, let's call this what it really is...

THE TIFF CHRONICLES ~ PART 7

I've been working really hard over the last couple of years to overcome my agoraphobia and had gotten to the point where I was managing to do my own shopping in AsdaLand alone! Panic and anxiety aren't gone, but I somehow have been able to get myself there by taxi, alone. I'm like everyone else here, I get so frustrated at being a second-rate me, not wanting to live like this, looking so hard for all the answers.

Depression hit me right between the eyes and it was a shock because I was making progress, I was able to come on here and feel accepted and useful sometimes and I was doing the housework and looking out for DS. It's a very busy time as I've been looking at institutions to send him to - educational ones that is! - after his college course finishes next year. I didn't have a clue as to how to go about all this as he's the prototype and the only child I have.

One reason for this down spot is that my wonderful Mum has gone on a further stage in her terminal illness. She's getting breathless even when she's on the oxygen sometimes. And she's getting confused and upset and the dr says it's because when she's not on the nearly permanent oxygen, her brain is getting starved of it and it is causing the confusion and tears. And I know what's coming - but that little girl in me doesn't want to let her go, doesn't want her to leave me. Those of you who read The Tiff Chronicles will understand what I mean.

Now we add 1 measure of my brother to the depression recipe. He's had a few phone calls with me over the last 6 months which was a new thing, him saying he was trying to be a better brother. About 6 weeks ago, I actually started telling him how I felt used and left out and how I'm only contacted by people who want me to do something for them. Wait for it - you'll like this.
My brother replied that he felt awkward and embarrassed around me because of my mental health, didn't know what to say to me because of all the abuse I'd been through and he couldn't deal with the fact that I'd been sexually abused as a child. Forgive me for sounding sorry for myself guys, but I felt like a leper. If my own family members can't deal with it, how am I going to find someone who'd want to share their life with me?! Honestly, I'm not a bad person, (though I can relate to juno's thoughts), and I've got so much love to give and I could just see years ahead alone - I don't want to live like that yet, I can't help but feel my time has come and gone. I know this is partly my ill health talking but I still hurt, no matter how much common sense I try to talk myself into.

Next year, January 14th, Mum will be 70 years old.
My new sister-in-law phoned me 3 weeks ago to ask that as ''I was at home all the time and they were out working'', could I do her a favour please. I asked what it was. She replied that my sister, who btw lives in the same area of town as Mum and I, was putting together a photographic 'This Is Your Life' album for Mum's 70th with photos of everyone and their cat. I'd given Mum an album of photos of her and her family and her wedding day for her 65th, so I thought she was saying my sister wanted to borrow some of my photos. But no, it wasn't that. Sister had asked sis-in-law to call around some of the people she'd already contacted in the family to remind them and to urge them to start sending in photos & this is what sis-in-law wanted me to do. Sis had been working on this project for 5 or 6 weeks apparently. The last time I spoke to my sister was 8 weeks ago when she asked me to sort out her financial benefit problems. Yet again I've been left out. I'm the eldest of the 3 of us and I'm never involved.
I got upset and angry with sis-in-law on the phone when she told me all this. I said you know what 'x', I'm not having any more of this. When Mum's passed, I'm gone because she is the only one who has truly loved me and once she's gone I'll feel like an orphan.
She started to talk to me in a little girl's voice, saying no darling, don't get upset, I know it's not like that, it's probably only because I was there to ask. I said to x that no, this is how it's been all my life, it's not a one-off situation. I said, I'm 42 years old & have enough life experience to know what I'm talking about 'x' - this isn't part of me being 'ill' so please don't talk down to me! I was angry and heartbroken. Sis-in-law's not even 30 and is an only child. She's clever but very naieve.

On 14th February, DS will be 18 years old, and around July, he will have finished college. I want to make those special days the best he's had. His father is neither use nor ornament. So, it will fall to me on my benefits income, to do something wonderful for him. And I know it's not about money when you love someone but DS has been through hell and back and he so deserves it to be special. He wants to learn to drive I've found out and he's also got his two paternal aunts who he loves (and they love hiom bless them), and his paternal grandfather living in New York, and he hasn't seen them since we left New York 11 years ago, so I thought about arranging that for him. I can think of a lot of things for all the good that will do me or him. Just for once, I want to be able to say I'd given him something precious to remember. He knows I love him, but I want to do this for him and it hurts because I know I can't. So it's like a time bomb waiting to go off, espcially as his well off friends at college have all had big 18th parties that he's been to in Birmingham and other places.


Then we come to DS's college show I went to see a couple of weeks ago. I'd managed to travel to Stratford to see him perform in one of his college shows with my support worker. I was loving it, as I told you all.

He'd been really stressed out over this show and the course over the last month, as all the work piled on and he became depressed and he also took it out on me. He was leaving the house at 6.45a.m. and not returning until 10.30pm, with not even lunch breaks given. He was resentful over how good some of the course members were, constantly putting himself down and saying most of them had trained privately since he was young - something I couldn't afford. He withdrew into himself. Nothing I said was right, but I know that's common with teenagers. Then suddenly, two days before the actual show, something seemed to click and he was so happy and enhusiastic and he was nailing it!

What I didn't tell you all was, that at the end of the matinee show I saw, I was hugging him goodbye and he whispered to me that he'd failed the course and that he wouldn't be allowed back into college after Christmas because even though he'd done the show really well, the log book theory side had been left to the last minute. (DS is famous for leaving things, forgetting and losing things until the very last minute since being little and that may be down to being artistic, I was told!) The college tutors are really strict as you'd expect and he was dreading the results.
I managed to get outside before the tears let loose. Apart from being angry and sad and frustrated at him, after all we'd both been through, (because he can do the work so it's his own fault), I even felt admiration for him putting his everything into the show, knowing he'd failed the course.
I was also devastated because all I'd wanted was that one afternoon and I couldn't have it without something coming along and bringing me to my knees again. Just that one special time.

The director had told me of how proud she was of him and had praised him to me. DS had said she could be really sarcastic & shouted at lots of them when working. My support worker walked me slowly to her car, tears streaming down my face and the director jogged past us with her young daughter (only 45 minutes before the evening show was on), and again praised DS & said it was nice to meet me. As she went ahead of us, I called her name and she turned back to us. I asked her if it was true and she said no - that he wasn't on special measures or anything & that she'd see him later. I told DS when he came home that night & it cheered him up a bit.

I was so relieved, but life has taught me never to believe it until you see it, so I'd wait until they'd had their individual show debriefs the following Tuesday before I could settle my mind. DS came home sad, saying he'd got a merit for performance and a pass for the logbook, that there was no point anymore because the examiners take your lowest mark in each section and apply it to the whole section, so even though he'd been good getting distinctions and merits up till then, now that he'd got a pass he wouldn't be able to get into the top vocational colleges he wanted to, he said.
He said all they'd done was criticize him and the director had even said he shouldn't have upset mom like that being such a drama queen. After he was calm, and many Tiffy questions later, I understood that they'd done all this smiling at him but he felt it was all fake. I had to drag out the positive points they'd made about him out. I was upset because his mood had gone again, just as he'd seemed to have found his confidence in himself. He was taking everything too personally. This was all affecting me because he was taking it out on me with sarcastic comments. It was so up and down with everything I was struggling to cope.

I told my CPN about it all. I'd stopped cleaning and cooking and was exhausted and very low, not just down to DS but that was like the final straw. He said I'd got to put DS in his place and speak to him honestly about how he was making me feel. And then cpn said that if it continued, it may be worth referring DS for an assessment with the mental health services because a couple of things might be symptoms of bi-polar disorder and that it was quite common among creative and artistic people.
As our wonderful ethel and others here know, it freezes your heart with fear thinking that your child might have a mental ill health problem. That just brought me even lower.

I did have a serious opening up session with DS & he was upset as I expected and was nasty to me. The next day when he came in from college, the first thing he did was to apologise to me. All last week he's been fine and enthusiastic about their next exam project which is a variety show.
And on Friday, he learned that he'd gotten 240 UCAS points for his 1st year's work, which he was really happy about. However, I remember that the examiners and unis/vocational colleges, look at the 2nd year's grades to base their results/awards on & those 3 awards are going to determine where he can go. So out of the 1 of the 3 areas, , one of his strongest, he'd 'only' scored a pass. He is such a perfectionist and loves his craft, and as with all teenagers, it's all or nothing with them.
How the Tiff do I know whether it was all artistic temperament, a teenage strop or a possible mental health problem?! And if it is the latter, how do I deal with that? How can I not feel guilty? His dad would be the first in the queue to blame me. But I'm trying to be optimistic because he's fine atm.

Two weeks ago, I also found out that my fantastic consultant psychiatrist had left. Devastated me. Felt so lost and afraid. Heaven knows what the replacement will be like - it's natural to feel this way because this dr had made all the right decisions and I was getting back on my feet. I'll just have to wait and see.

December is going to be really hard for me. It'll be the 2nd anniversary of my Dad passing away on the 2nd, and then mid-month is the anniversary of me being held hostage and nearly dying. A 16 year old cousin died after being hit by a drunk driver on the 18th. Dad's funeral was held on the 20th. There's a little more to the list but these are the biggies as it were. And somehow, it hurts more because everyone sems brighter and happier generally at this time of year. But I'm glad they are.

On top of all this, my physical health has suddenly gotten worse too. Walking is now hard and very painful. My eyesight blurs frequently and I'm struggling to read. I'm tired all the time. My asthma is acting up and I've found it hard to breathe. I'm now having constant nightmares again for some reason. And my arms and hands are regularly numb and painful, which means that I've been finding it so hard to even type - one of the real reasons I haven't been able to post. With all this, you wonderful peeps, how could I post anything that would be of help to you?
This is really why my posts dropped down and I feel I've let you all down because I do care and I didn't want to let you see what a sorry and struggling Tiffster I'd become. I felt bad because I wasn't even able to give out the welcomes to our new friends that they so deserve.

And the longer I left being honest with you about how I was doing, the harder it was to find excuses for not being around here.
Besides, when I was well enough, I would check in on the thread's posts and I felt so proud of you all because you were giving each other such amazing advice and support! What you didn't know and what I can see, is that you guys don't really need a Tiffster now. There are so many strong, kind and compassionate people here and you are all doing a fantastic job. Be kind to yourselves and feel proud - you're a pretty amazing bunch of peeps!

So now at least, I've told you what's been going on in this last month or so and I hope you'll understand and forgive me not being around so much. I know all the common sense responses to the things I've written here, but I've really been hurting inside.

But this is now! And who knows what tomorrow may bring, huh guys?
Probably another daft cat picture at least!:D

Keeping you all in my thoughts as always.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

shazrobo

hi all, having a down day today, and cant stop cryin, no real reason, except finding things tough again. i have two sons with disabilities, and as they are getting older, life seems to be getting harder. its mainly their behaviour, and immaturity, they act so much younger than they are, and need watching over like toddlers, as they have no sense of danger. and as they are big lads for 12 years of age, every kinda notices more, and i already suffer from depression and axiety, and this is making it worse.
dreading xmas as i have both sons at home for 2 weeks, and that is such a long time, i get no help or respite. makes me feel like a bad mum for moanin like i do, sorry.
then on top of this i have bf probs too, he is so unsupportive , but thats another story,
sorry for long post, just needed to get it out.
big hugs to all those who are having a bad time at the moment.
shaz x

fantastico_2

Seems everyone is having a tough time if it at the moment. Ive been doing alright the last few days, but my nerves are beginning to unsettle. I have to ring my boss tomorrow and give her my notice. I'm hoping she will accept 1 week as my new boss would like me to start work asap. I don't want to leave on bad terms as i might want/need to ask for employment from her again. I'm hoping and thinking seriously about leaving my area next spring time, then because i hope to have my nerves under control by then cause i got meds now. I want to go to Scotland and it will be about 500miles away from family. Ive been wanting to go for some time now but things crop up. I'm a great believer in fate, and when i had a phone call in march asking me to be a career for a relative i said yes. At the time i was thinking about going, but i stayed. I feel that the change of lifestyle will help me.

Hope all are okay, im watching That 70's show on Virgin(freeview). So funny it helps me to relax and laugh a little.

Love to all

H xx

ElegantlyWasted

razorbladekisses wrote: »

:hello: ElegantlyWasted How are you today? It's strange isn't it. Most people that have never cut themselves cannot understand how it can possibly help but it really does. Sorry to hear that you've had a bad week (((HUGS))) How did you manage to get yourself through it?

If I'm honest, RBK, it's not really been as easy as just getting through it. There've been a lot of tears (I'm really not a crier at all usually), episodes of self-harming in different ways (I hate it when cutting isn't enough), and a suicide attempt.
I was feeling better until a while ago, which is probably why I'm online. Trying to postpone the inevitable. I find it really, really helps when I'm feeling crappy to be around others who are in the same position.

Hope you're ok hun *hugs*

Lisa x

ElegantlyWasted

Rose - I'm so sorry about your friend. A friend of mine took her own life in 2003, so I know a little about what you must be going through. I'd advise going to the funeral, if only for the closure, but obviously you must do what is best for you. Maybe, if you're not feeling up to it, you could do something of your own, or with a group of friends. We went to a park, wrote messages on white balloons and released them. It helped. *hugs*

Juno - *hugs* for you. It sounds like you're really going through it at the minute. I understand what you mean about not doing things in case you'd do them wrongly, it's better to deliberately mess it up so you don't feel bad. I don't know you, but from what I've seen on here, you're not rubbish in the least. You're thoughtful, well-spoken, intelligent and caring. Take care of yourself.

Loopy_Lass - I'm sorry you're having a bad time. Don't feel bad for posting, this thread is for support. Everyone here is lovely, and has made me feel so welcome. If it helps to talk, then please post. *hugs*

Fantastico - Best of luck with your boss. I think the period of notice required usually goes on your pay frequency (if you get paid monthly, you should give a month's notice). This is different in different companies though, I hope your boss is understanding.

Shaz - *hugs* Don't feel bad for needing support with your sons. It does not make you a bad mother at all. I'm not sure what to suggest, but I hope you can get through Xmas, and enjoy your children. Are there any local support groups for disabilities that you could get in touch with?


I wanted to go through some more posts and reply to them, but as my computer is being truely horrible, I can't persuade it to go back a page. It's always MSE that's the first thing to go when the computer has a paddy

I'm not going to moan, because it's not right when I can't offer support to anyone else. Hope you are all doing ok, and enjoying your weekends.

Lisa x

Tiff_2

Hi guys!:hello:

Hoping we're all well this morning.

Well, I did warn you!

Instead of having the usual Moan-day, let's have a Man-day for a change! _party_
I get to vet them all first though. Oh and watch out for the sazzter - she moves like greased lightning! Loves you really sazzy!

Huge Tiffy hugs to all those with tests, work, appointments, counselling, meetings, to those who are struggling and to those who are poorly. Apologies again for my huge post last night & if I upset anyone - I'm sure I heard all the new peeps running for the catflap! I know there are a lot worse off than I.
Safe journeys guys.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx