Left out of family holiday

moochie

hello

My partners family have just done similar, a holiday booked to the US for just before Christmas this year, absolutely no mention of this to us, we actually found out through facebook. They know full well we would love nothing more than to be able to go to America. And its not the first time they've done this.


The thing that really gets me though is that they are ALL on disability benefits and are always without money, and we absolutely skinted ourselves out just before christmas by giving them the bit of savings we had so they could have a 'nice' xmas (by nice I mean wasting copious amounts of money on pointlessly expensive over the top presents and food). So they can't manage to save for a year to cover xmas, but they can save for a very expensive trip to the other side of the world, no doubt expecting handouts to cover xmas 2014 :mad:


Admittedly, both me and my partner have severe health issues and we wouldn't be able to cope with the holiday anyway, but they know very little about our conditions and aren't bright enough to consider the possibility that they may affect our ability to go, so its not a case of they've not asked due to our health. Because of this we're not going to even mention it, but a bit of common courtesy would have been nice


If I were in your situation OP I would raise the issue, it is hurtful to feel you've been purposely left out. I hope this isn't the case for you, and there is a logical explanation as to why you weren't asked xxx

sassyblue

Saturnalia wrote: »

I should ask. But I just don't know what to say to any of them. I'm so upset. And no way am I begging to go. I wasn't asked - they don't want me there. They were even cute enough to keep their hol of a lifetime top-secret until the booking was made so I didn't get a chance to ask to be included.

Funny that my sister's husband likes to tell me I've abandoned my family by moving away. I've done all I can to keep up the contact. Even before the children, it was always me who travelled to see them. I've always listened to all their tales from the other family holidays I was never asked along to.

Until you've asked you can't speculate on anything. So l say ASK, and if you get brushed off then it's time to let them know how hurt you are.....

Ignore your BIL, rude!

Georgiegirl256

Saturnalia wrote: »

I should ask. But I just don't know what to say to any of them. I'm so upset. And no way am I begging to go. I wasn't asked - they don't want me there. They were even cute enough to keep their hol of a lifetime top-secret until the booking was made so I didn't get a chance to ask to be included.

Funny that my sister's husband likes to tell me I've abandoned my family by moving away. I've done all I can to keep up the contact. Even before the children, it was always me who travelled to see them. I've always listened to all their tales from the other family holidays I was never asked along to.

This sounds more like a deliberate exclusion rather than an oversight.

There also appears to be more to this than meets the eye, with your BIL mentioning abandonment....how rude. Why would he say that?

If this was my parents, I would just be able to come straight out with it and ask them why I wasn't invited, but you don't seem to be able to do that, are you not that close with them?

If you don't, it's probably going to fester and it could damage your relationship which them for good as it'll always be at the back of your mind.

balletshoes

Saturnalia wrote: »

I should ask. But I just don't know what to say to any of them. I'm so upset. And no way am I begging to go. I wasn't asked - they don't want me there. They were even cute enough to keep their hol of a lifetime top-secret until the booking was made so I didn't get a chance to ask to be included.

Funny that my sister's husband likes to tell me I've abandoned my family by moving away. I've done all I can to keep up the contact. Even before the children, it was always me who travelled to see them. I've always listened to all their tales from the other family holidays I was never asked along to.

Is there a lot more to this than you,ve said so far OP? Because on the face of it, from what you said originally, why would you automatically assume that because you werent asked, you,re not welcome and no~one wants you to go with them? you,ve had loads of replies giving you reasons why they might not have originally invited you ~ none of which involved deliberately excluding you.
it sounds to me like there are a lot of assumptions going on, on your side and your family,s.

lee111s

Just flat out ask, she's your mother. I'd be inclined to say something along the lines of "I'm pretty upset that you didn't ask me if I'd like to come away on holiday, is there any reason you didn't ask me?"

fivetide

Saturnalia wrote: »

I should ask. But I just don't know what to say to any of them. I'm so upset. And no way am I begging to go. I wasn't asked - they don't want me there. They were even cute enough to keep their hol of a lifetime top-secret until the booking was made so I didn't get a chance to ask to be included.

Funny that my sister's husband likes to tell me I've abandoned my family by moving away. I've done all I can to keep up the contact. Even before the children, it was always me who travelled to see them. I've always listened to all their tales from the other family holidays I was never asked along to.

i think you might be over thinking it.

As said, they are off to Disneyworld with the kids so possibly never even thought you'd be interested? Also, it might have been decided in the space of a few days. Perhaps your sister mentioned it and mum and dad decided to invite themselves?

Unless you ask you won't know and it will spoil your relationship with your family. It is already eating at you.

As for what to say? Just come out with it "Mum, hope you don't mind me asking, but is there any reason I wasn't invited on this holiday?" Then keep silent and wait for the answer.

I'm pretty sure it won't be "because we didn't want you there!"

sooty&sweep

To be honest I think they're in the habit of going on holiday together and they just haven't thought ! Your parents possibly offer childcare whilst on holiday so your sister & husband get some time alone etc etc. They also probably think you'd prefer to holiday with others of your own age & not be tied to doing kiddy things.

Please say something or this will fester with you for ever more and thats not healthy. I'd suggest some heavy hints of I'd wish you'd said you were going as I'd love to go there etc etc and see what gets said.
Jen

hazyjo

I used to be in the same boat. My parents and my sis and her family holidayed together a few times. I had comments like 'well, we knew you wouldn't be interested' or 'you'd not go would you, cos of the cats' (my mum always has them if I go away and I'd not put them in a cattery). I'd often be given the money instead as my mum basically paid for my sis and her lot to go on holiday. (They also see loads of each other and my mum's like a second mum to my sis's kids.)

I also can't bear the though of my (skinny) mum looking me up and down when I'm in a swimming costume which is part of the reason I always say no to things like that - not that she knows that! She's obsessed with weight and, at a size 18 (me, not her!), I know she'd have something to say. I remember once when I was around 21 - weighed myself at a machine and kept the printout which she found. Her comment was something like 'OMG Joanne I can't believe you're 9 stone 3! (I would kill to be that now lol.) She also used to look me up and down and say 'when are you planning to start your diet'.

Anyway... just sayin' there are probably reasons which they've 'presumed'.

If you want to go, just ask if it's okay if you go too. They'll probably all be delighted.

Are you single? Could it be they thought you'd feel awkward going on your own (strange, but some people think like that) or, if you are with someone, maybe they don't want him to go?!

Jx
PS Sorry I missed a couple of points above as they'd been added after I started the post - forgot to check for updates before posting (had been busy at work).

DKLS

Saturnalia wrote: »

I should ask. But I just don't know what to say to any of them. I'm so upset.

Life is too short, either speak with them and find out if its an innocent explanation or a slight.


Then regardless of the outcome, book a holiday it will do you the world of good.

hazyjo

It will build up if you don't say anything.

We used to all get together for birthdays and have Chinese or something. I remember one year, I'd specifically asked and they all said they weren't doing anything for the girls' birthday (twins). I rang later that night and my mum was round my sis's and they were all eating Chinese. I never really react to things that pee me off with my family, but I had this total mental breakdown over it. Shouted and ranted (totally unlike me) and was bashing the phone handset on the bed in frustration. I still can't believe I reacted like that. It shocked and upset me greatly. Thankfully I think it had cut off before mum heard me. She called later and said it was unplanned and they were getting it anyway and persuaded her to stay. It wasn't a big deal - but it bloody was to me. I suppose it was the final straw.

I know the real reason was because I was unhappy with my ex and I thought we'd not been invited cos he always made it obvious he didn't want to be there, and that the kids were getting on his nerves. I'd also been niggled about my mum making some comment the previous week about things being split equally between me, my sis, and my sis's three kids 'when she goes'. Not up to me to dictate what she does with her money, and I wouldn't begrudge the kids a penny, but I did feel upset that she was implying I would never have kids (at that time, the choice was still there) and I suppose resented my then husband as he didn't really want them. Also wasn't wanting my mum to die any time soon - she just talks about stuff like that a lot!

These things do have a habit of exploding so I would try not to make a big deal out of it (even though it feels that way) and say lightheartedly, is it okay if you join them. If she does give a flat no, then I think you have some very hard decisions to make over your family. But better you take control than wait for the next thing to upset you...

Jx