Another Step Family query....

Mojisola

74jax wrote: »

her Step Mum said (in front of DD) 'yeah the kids each had £250 spend on them, aren't they lucky. Well not SD obviously, she only had £50' Why on earth announce this to the room......

When he had the other kids Step Mum called and asked if I would send half of CSA back as they couldn't manage and I agreed to do this as DD was so happy going and visiting her brother/sister. SO every month without fail he sent me CSA via the CSA and I then transferred half back

Brighton_belle wrote: »

This I very sad, I do feel sorry for your daughter.

And basically it looks like her legitimate maintenance money is funding her step siblings xmas presents.

I'd certainly consider stopping all 'return of maintenance' and save it towards future uni costs.

Exactly this^

How do parents who are "can't manage" spend £500 on the children's Christmas presents? Your daughter's child maintenance is being spent on the other children.

74jax

Thanks for all your input.

The situation with the CSA was an odd one I agree, but until this last year she had (what we all thought to be) a wonderful relationship with her step family. She enjoyed going over and seeing her brother and sister.

Although I don't 'get on' with her Dad/step mum, we have always been able to speak about DD in an adult way. When step mum called me it wasn't that I agreed straight away, but I understood why she was asking, they had 2 other children and the maintenance didn't go down. The other kids are my DD family, and so to keep the peace I agreed.

However when step mum took DD to the holiday shop to pick a 'family' holiday to Disney and then told her the month after - when it had been booked it didn't include her! - I started to think differently...

But putting the financial side out of the way, its the way she is being made to feel. She has just come back today (first visit since Christmas) and told me her bedroom is now being made into a play room and she will have a bed in there. I can see it from their side - they have 2 kids and a room which now doesn't get used every weekend so why not use it for the benefit of their children, but she is seeing it otherwise.

When she stays there the kids know they can't wake up their mum and dad before 8am, however they can go and wake DD - this has been the case for about 2 years now - and DD has to entertain them until 8am when the parents get up....

It isn't all about money, just how she sees herself as part of their family. When they have been away previously they have always told me where they will be going so that I send over enough money for entrances fees etc and DD is now asking why he decides his other two can be paid for by him but hers is paid for by me.... I don't know what to say.

I do appreciate you all saying she is at an age where she can choose, and in a way its easier, I can't be held responsible for saying she isn't going etc. Her dad lives a 90 min train journey away - we used to drive her which took 1.5hours every week when she was younger, but now she can go on the train. She could pop over for the day to see her grandparents but I think she would find it very hard to then not see her Dad etc.

I just wish he would say 'do you know why she doesn't want to come anymore' so I can say 'well actually I do......'.

hgotsparkle

Thats basically what happened with me, but my step mum wasn't horrible, things were just awkward between us.

My dad treated me differently to his other kids (around 10yrs younger than me) and would do anything they wanted him to, yet I would have to sometimes wait 3 months to even see him because he supposedly couldn't find the time with everything he was doing for his new family.


Step mums mum rang me not long before I moved away (when I was already planning cutting my dad off but hadn't told anyone) and told me how much I meant to her and how she saw me as her granddaughter.


Long story short, I haven't spoken to my dad in 6 years I don't ever intend to. If he can't make the effort with me then why should I even be bothered.

newbutold

Person_one wrote: »

. If I were you I'd stop giving any CSA money back at all, put it away for your daughter for these last couple of years of payments, and just try to be there to listen and support her when it gets her down.

Good luck to both of you.

Definitely what I would do. From what you have said about them, I imagine they are the sort that will stop contributing to DD's upkeep the minute they legally can and after that she will get a token present at Christmas & Birthday.

Save it up to help her with Uni/laying of carpet in own place etc.

System

I'm afraid I'm another who sadly can sympathise with your daughter as I had a very similar thing happen to me. Once my dad got involved with my step mum I was pretty much cast out and never once made to feel part of the family. My dad and step mum booked a holiday for them and my stepsister and led me to believe I was going to, only for me to find out I wasn't invited. And I was always in the shadow of my stepsister. She was a year older and there was much excitement and praise when she got her GCSE results, I on the other hand wasn't even acknowledged. Same with A levels- when I told them of my achievements they just used to go on about my step sister and how wonderful hers were in comparison.

In 4 years I only ever had one meal at their house, and I used to see my dad twice a week, which I then cut down to once a week because being ignore made me feel like utter crap. Around my 18th my bio dad kicked up a massive fuss because my mum had the audacity to put an announcement in the paper for it, and referred to my step dad as dad (which truth be told I call him and see him as) when my bio dad hadn't even bothered to put an announcement in. That caused a major row when I told him how he made me feel, my step mum butted in telling me yes but we spend money on you (he married into money) and I recall telling her I didn't want money, I wanted time with my dad. Thing were very strained after that and I eventually made the choice to cut them off completely, that was about 7 years ago.

I know it must be horrible seeing your daughter being treated badly and seeing her upset, I know it broke my mums heart to see me go through it and feel powerless to help, but I think in some ways I had to because it made me see what he was really like and enabled me to make my own choice. Be there for her when she needs you, and reassure her she will always have you in her life whatever happens with her dad.

jetplane

You can tell him why she doesn't want to go without him asking. I've never heard anything like you paying back half the CSA why did he not ask for a reassessment if he couldn't manage?

I wonder was it the Disney holiday that changed things last summer? Maybe your daughter wasn't included because her step mother wanted a holiday without her, for whatever reason and so resentment has started to build?

Her siblings presents would be from both parents not just her dad and if she is asking why he doesn't pay for her explain he already pays maintenance every month. He was being a plonker about the dress though.

I think in this situation things can snowball, intentions and actions are misread and if you have always been able to talk to your ex, then talk. Whilst I agree that you shouldn't be returning the CSA I think stopping an arrangement without knowing the bigger picture will accelerate any ill feeling.

marisco_2

74jax wrote: »

I just wish he would say 'do you know why she doesn't want to come anymore' so I can say 'well actually I do......'.

No good would come from doing this and any satisfaction you would feel would be short lived. It is for your daughter to decide when to address with her dad, how the way he and his wife are treating her makes her feel alienated from his new family. She is clearly turning into a lovely young lady with a wise head on her shoulders. You have raised her to have a strong sense of self worth and to recognise when people are not treating her as she deserves to be treated. This will stand her in good stead now and way into her future. Be there for her when she needs to talk, offer practical advice on how to approach things if she asks but keep emotion out of it. Then step back and trust that she can handle this herself.

74jax

hgotsparkle wrote: »

My dad treated me differently to his other kids (around 10yrs younger than me) and would do anything they wanted him to, yet I would have to sometimes wait 3 months to even see him because he supposedly couldn't find the time with everything he was doing for his new family.

Step mums mum rang me not long before I moved away (when I was already planning cutting my dad off but hadn't told anyone) and told me how much I meant to her and how she saw me as her granddaughter.

Long story short, I haven't spoken to my dad in 6 years I don't ever intend to. If he can't make the effort with me then why should I even be bothered.

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

I'm afraid I'm another who sadly can sympathise with your daughter as I had a very similar thing happen to me. Once my dad got involved with my step mum I was pretty much cast out and never once made to feel part of the family. My dad and step mum booked a holiday for them and my stepsister and led me to believe I was going to, only for me to find out I wasn't invited.

These are really sad stories yet so similar with my own, I think I feel doubly worse as I truly believe we had it sorted and now I feel bad that things weren't right yet here was I saying 'we're a step family that has made it work'.

jetplane wrote: »

I wonder was it the Disney holiday that changed things last summer?

The Disney holiday was the year before - to be honest she doesn't know I paid for her to go. I called her Dad and said why isn't she going when she was led to believe she was going and he said he couldn't afford to take them all, so I offered to pay for her and she doesn't know that I did this (I don't involve her as much as I can in that side of things). Last year they went on a camping holiday and DD came back really upset saying she felt she was only invited so that she would look after the her brother and sister all the time. She said she never got any real family time and that she couldn't sleep in the caravan with them but in some kind of awning attached to it as there wasn't room for her etc...

marisco wrote: »

No good would come from doing this and any satisfaction you would feel would be short lived.

I know, and believe me I wouldn't feel any satisfaction at all anyway, even when saying it. I want to say it in the hope he realises what a prat he is and wakes up and thinks actually I will treat her the same and then DD can go back to what I thought was an amicable step family situation. But I think it'll be taken as an insult and may be taken out on DD for telling me..

Mojisola

74jax wrote: »

The Disney holiday was the year before - to be honest she doesn't know I paid for her to go. I called her Dad and said why isn't she going when she was led to believe she was going and he said he couldn't afford to take them all, so I offered to pay for her

Last year they went on a camping holiday and DD came back really upset saying she felt she was only invited so that she would look after the her brother and sister all the time.

She said she never got any real family time and that she couldn't sleep in the caravan with them but in some kind of awning attached to it as there wasn't room for her etc...

She's been remarkably tolerant! Does her SM think your daughter's name is Cinderella?

Grumpygit

This sounds so much like what my daughter has been through.

I totally sympathise with you and your daughter.

My dd has had issues with her Step Witch and now doesn't go there anymore (since last February) as she doesn't want to see her.

DD finally (after years and months of prompting) sat him down and said I can't do this, I can't be with her, I am not welcome at your place (similar situation the SW told her that her room was actually the play room and she would use it when she came over for weekends), so she made the decision that she wouldn't go back.

It took him two months to contact her after that and only after I had stepped in and between Feb and October, he only saw her 3 times.

We live on an island 26 square miles big so it's not as if distance was a factor!

DD finally had enough in October and asked to change her name from his to my OH (who has been in her life since she was 16 months old and has been called dad by her since she was 6). Whilst ex wasn't happy, he did relent and understand that his wife has caused this. They now see each other every 3 weeks for a few hours on a Saturday - he never fought for her or backed her up so it's his failing as a father which has led to this. She also sent SW a letter telling her that she's to blame for all of this and she doesn't want to see her. His parents and brother admitted to me that they could see that dd wasn't happy and that the SW was the cause.

There's a lot more background to our story but I am only giving context for the OP as this is about her and her dd.

My advice to you is (similar to others).......she basically knows what they are like so she has to make her decision but she should let her dad know how she feels and why she is doing it. Get her to send him a letter or an email if she doesn't feel like she can do it face to face.

I think that it's important that she tells him otherwise he may think it's you cooking this up given that you don't really get on.

As for the money, keep it - you're entitled to it as ordered by the CSA. Neither of you obviously need it so tuck it away for her uni/college time - as you've recognised that he probably won't help you at that time!

I also echo what MessedUp says, just be there for her, support her and love her