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Another Step Family query....
74jax
Posts: 7,930 Forumite
I have spoken many times on this board about how DD has a wonderful relationship with her Step Mum and Dad and that I am so pleased it worked out this way etc etc...
Well, it came to light that all has not been ok. It kicked off last Summer when she went away with them for a 2 week holiday, she came back and said she wasn't going over anymore etc, it took me a few weeks to get it out of her but basically (she says) she gets treated quite badly over there, she is made to look after her brother and sister quite a lot and her Step Mum sits and 'stares' at her making her feel uncomfortable. This was a HUGE shock to me as for years I've said how we seem to have it all amicable (me and ex don't get on, but have no issues at being in touch for DD's sake).
I did know they booked the holiday to Disney and DD wasn't invited, she got upset and so I spoke to Ex and asked if I could pay for her to go with them. DD said it's as though she doesn't belong in their family.
At Christmas she was there and she said it was obvious her brother and sister had a lot more presents than her, but she also understood she had a heap of presents with me so wasn't really bothered, however round the dinner table for some reason they were talking about presents and her Step Mums Dad said how lucky everyone was and her Step Mum said (in front of DD) 'yeah the kids each had £250 spend on them, aren't they lucky. Well not SD obviously, she only had £50' Why on earth announce this to the room......
Then it's Step Mums big birthday this summer and they asked DD to pick a dress so she picked one for £60 off the internet, her dad said he would pay half and so she would need to contribute £30. She told him she didn't have £30 for a dress she'd never wear again and that she had dresses already to wear. He said it had to be new, so she picked one for £30 and he said he would pay £15.... at this point Step Mums Dad spoke up and said no they should pay for her dress.
DD when back with me has had texts from Step Mums sister saying if she ever wants to go to theirs when she visits her Dad she is more than welcome as they can see what is happening.
DD is now going on to do A Levels in Sept and looking at her future and she's said she knows her dad won't treat her the same as his other kids, he won't come and help lay a carpet for example if she bought a house, or say 'here's a food parcel etc'. She knows he won't help her go to uni, or even show an interest. She can text him about GCSE results and he might reply 3 days later..
I want to speak to him about it, without sounding as though all DD wants is a hand out. He did ask before Christmas why she didn't visit as much and I said why doesn't he spend a little time, even a hour walking to get a paper with just him and DD so they have some Father/daughter time as she seems to spend a lot of the time with the kids, I said I'm sure he spends 1 on 1 time with the other two when she's not there, but he said he wouldn't.
She used to visit once a week, then it went to once a fortnight and now it's possibly once every 6 weeks.
I must add I was a little 'naughty' and do feel guilty, but perhaps you should know as it may have relevance.... he has ALWAYS paid CSA, never once faulted at all. When he had the other kids Step Mum called and asked if I would send half of CSA back as they couldn't manage and I agreed to do this as DD was so happy going and visiting her brother/sister. SO every month without fail he sent me CSA via the CSA and I then transferred half back - BUT - I have told him from next month I'll only transfer back half of what I normally do as she is very rarely with him now........... I know, it feels as though I'm playing games....
Anyway, is anyone in a similar situation? I have always tried to maintain contact, and I don't really know what to do. DO I not say anything as I don't want him to think she is after money, she is really wanted to be treated the same - or at least if she isn't then not have it pointed out directly to her, or is that not possible in the dynamics that we have?
EDITED TO ADD - wwwwwooooah that's my longest post, sorry folks! I'll see if I can edit some out.
Well, it came to light that all has not been ok. It kicked off last Summer when she went away with them for a 2 week holiday, she came back and said she wasn't going over anymore etc, it took me a few weeks to get it out of her but basically (she says) she gets treated quite badly over there, she is made to look after her brother and sister quite a lot and her Step Mum sits and 'stares' at her making her feel uncomfortable. This was a HUGE shock to me as for years I've said how we seem to have it all amicable (me and ex don't get on, but have no issues at being in touch for DD's sake).
I did know they booked the holiday to Disney and DD wasn't invited, she got upset and so I spoke to Ex and asked if I could pay for her to go with them. DD said it's as though she doesn't belong in their family.
At Christmas she was there and she said it was obvious her brother and sister had a lot more presents than her, but she also understood she had a heap of presents with me so wasn't really bothered, however round the dinner table for some reason they were talking about presents and her Step Mums Dad said how lucky everyone was and her Step Mum said (in front of DD) 'yeah the kids each had £250 spend on them, aren't they lucky. Well not SD obviously, she only had £50' Why on earth announce this to the room......
Then it's Step Mums big birthday this summer and they asked DD to pick a dress so she picked one for £60 off the internet, her dad said he would pay half and so she would need to contribute £30. She told him she didn't have £30 for a dress she'd never wear again and that she had dresses already to wear. He said it had to be new, so she picked one for £30 and he said he would pay £15.... at this point Step Mums Dad spoke up and said no they should pay for her dress.
DD when back with me has had texts from Step Mums sister saying if she ever wants to go to theirs when she visits her Dad she is more than welcome as they can see what is happening.
DD is now going on to do A Levels in Sept and looking at her future and she's said she knows her dad won't treat her the same as his other kids, he won't come and help lay a carpet for example if she bought a house, or say 'here's a food parcel etc'. She knows he won't help her go to uni, or even show an interest. She can text him about GCSE results and he might reply 3 days later..
I want to speak to him about it, without sounding as though all DD wants is a hand out. He did ask before Christmas why she didn't visit as much and I said why doesn't he spend a little time, even a hour walking to get a paper with just him and DD so they have some Father/daughter time as she seems to spend a lot of the time with the kids, I said I'm sure he spends 1 on 1 time with the other two when she's not there, but he said he wouldn't.
She used to visit once a week, then it went to once a fortnight and now it's possibly once every 6 weeks.
I must add I was a little 'naughty' and do feel guilty, but perhaps you should know as it may have relevance.... he has ALWAYS paid CSA, never once faulted at all. When he had the other kids Step Mum called and asked if I would send half of CSA back as they couldn't manage and I agreed to do this as DD was so happy going and visiting her brother/sister. SO every month without fail he sent me CSA via the CSA and I then transferred half back - BUT - I have told him from next month I'll only transfer back half of what I normally do as she is very rarely with him now........... I know, it feels as though I'm playing games....
Anyway, is anyone in a similar situation? I have always tried to maintain contact, and I don't really know what to do. DO I not say anything as I don't want him to think she is after money, she is really wanted to be treated the same - or at least if she isn't then not have it pointed out directly to her, or is that not possible in the dynamics that we have?
EDITED TO ADD - wwwwwooooah that's my longest post, sorry folks! I'll see if I can edit some out.
Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....
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Comments
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So your DD is 16, nearly 17?
She sounds like a bright young woman who can see clearly the way things are going with her dad. Its up to her now how much she chooses to pursue that relationship. No amount of cajoling or nagging him to treat her the same will change how he feels about her, and that's what really matters.
It won't be easy for your daughter to come to terms with the fact that her dad just isn't that bothered about her. If I were you I'd stop giving any CSA money back at all, put it away for your daughter for these last couple of years of payments, and just try to be there to listen and support her when it gets her down.
Good luck to both of you.0 -
Person_one wrote: »So your DD is 16, nearly 17?
She sounds like a bright young woman who can see clearly the way things are going with her dad. Its up to her now how much she chooses to pursue that relationship. No amount of cajoling or nagging him to treat her the same will change how he feels about her, and that's what really matters.
It won't be easy for your daughter to come to terms with the fact that her dad just isn't that bothered about her. If I were you I'd stop giving any CSA money back at all, put it away for your daughter for these last couple of years of payments, and just try to be there to listen and support her when it gets her down.
Good luck to both of you.
No she's 15, 16 in May.
It's so sad though, am I am sooooo annoyed at myself, here I was thinking that I'd at least found a way of making a step-family situation work, and clearly just didn't know what was going on.
DD has said she's only just realised herself in the last year.
Her Step Mum's parents are lovely, as are all her family really (mind you I'm wondering about my judgement there now also). DD calls them grandma and granda - although I do know Step Mum has said they aren't her real grandparents and so shouldn't call them that, but they have asked that she does and so she does.
She said Step Mum told the family at Christmas she was taking the kids shopping, so off the 4 of them went, DD with her money I'd given her and they hit the January sales. She was told she wasn't allowed to spend any money to buy anything - why take a nearly 16 year old to the January sales who has her OWN money, and not let her buy anything.
I don't want DD to have to learn what she is, but I don't know how to stop it.Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....0 -
DD said it's as though she doesn't belong in their family.
DD when back with me has had texts from Step Mums sister saying if she ever wants to go to theirs when she visits her Dad she is more than welcome as they can see what is happening.
She used to visit once a week, then it went to once a fortnight and now it's possibly once every 6 weeks.
he has ALWAYS paid CSA, never once faulted at all. When he had the other kids Step Mum called and asked if I would send half of CSA back as they couldn't manage and I agreed to do this as DD was so happy going and visiting her brother/sister. SO every month without fail he sent me CSA via the CSA and I then transferred half back - BUT - I have told him from next month I'll only transfer back half of what I normally do as she is very rarely with him now
I wouldn't be transferring any of the CM back to him.
Put what you would normally send back in savings for your DD.
I wouldn't go and spend time with a family where I was made to feel like she does - poor girl!0 -
No she's 15, 16 in May.
It's so sad though, am I am sooooo annoyed at myself, here I was thinking that I'd at least found a way of making a step-family situation work, and clearly just didn't know what was going on.
DD has said she's only just realised herself in the last year.
Her Step Mum's parents are lovely, as are all her family really (mind you I'm wondering about my judgement there now also). DD calls them grandma and granda - although I do know Step Mum has said they aren't her real grandparents and so shouldn't call them that, but they have asked that she does and so she does.
She said Step Mum told the family at Christmas she was taking the kids shopping, so off the 4 of them went, DD with her money I'd given her and they hit the January sales. She was told she wasn't allowed to spend any money to buy anything - why take a nearly 16 year old to the January sales who has her OWN money, and not let her buy anything.
I don't want DD to have to learn what she is, but I don't know how to stop it.
You can't stop it, this is out of your control I'm afraid. Better that your daughter sees the situation for what it is anyway, even though it is hurtful.0 -
I'm shocked that she asked you to give back half the CSA money and that you agreed. You're obviously too nice ! That money is a calculated fair amount for you and your daughter. They obviously don't really need the extra money if they are spending £250 on their other children at Christmas. You are funding this extravagance.
I wouldn't link the CSA money with her visits to them. Tell them from now on you'll be keeping all the money you are entitled to for her education. I'm sure they won't be contributing to any of the costs when she goes to college so I'd start putting money away for this now.
Your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions about how often and when she sees them. You can't fix this so just take a step back, stop returning any CSA money and let your daughter see them if and when she wants to.0 -
Your poor daughter, she's being made to feel like the poor relation.
The thing is, she's getting to that age now where she'll vote with her feet, in other words she'll end up choosing not to go, that is her choice, after all, why go somewhere where you are not made to feel truely welcome or a proper part of the family? Your ex needs to realise this. He might not realise that anything is wrong, but he needs to wake up and realise before it's too late.
The step mother sounds very controlling. I wonder if she's got some sort of hold over him?0 -
I am sorry for your daughter - she sounds like a she is growing into a very sensible young lady, but still welcomes guidance from you. How far away are her step family? Would it be possible for her to agree to see her dad (and step grands) on a trip out without stepmum rather than staying with them? If dad wishes to see her then dad will need to make the atmosphere pleasant enough that she wishes to come, won't he.But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,Had the whole of their cash in his care.
Lewis Carroll0 -
DD has said she's only just realised herself in the last year.
She has grown old enough to be aware of her environment and make informed decisions based on that - if I were you I would respect her judgment and actions, let her develop her relationship with her dad in the way she thinks it ought to.0 -
Apart from things financial that have gone on , your daughters relationship with her father sounds perfectly normal for an almost 16yr old to me. She is realising herself how the world is sometimes just not fair and also realising her Dads true nature and is choosing to distance herself from an environment she doesn't enjoy. My own grandchildren have had to deal with similar situations and on the whole have reacted similarly when they get to mid-teens in that they don't want to spend so much time with siblings/parents. I'd let her sort her own relationship with her stepfamily and Dad. I do agree with the others that I don't really understand why you agreed to pay back half your daughters maintenance for so long.#6 of the SKI-ers Club :j
"All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing" Edmund Burke0 -
This I very sad, I do feel sorry for your daughter.
And basically it looks like her legitimate maintenance money is funding her step siblings xmas presents.
I'd certainly consider stopping all 'return of maintenance' and save it towards future uni costs.I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once0
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