Another Step Family query....

MrsE_2

Person_one wrote: »

My experience suggests that parents who have specific 'playrooms' do so because they don't allow the children to play in the rest of the house.

Which ties in with the theory that they only invite the older daughter round so that she'll entertain the little ones and they don't have to.

Sad situation all round really.

Or (as is the case with my house hunting daughter) with bedroom getting smaller & third bedrooms becoming box rooms, shes hoping to get a house with a conservatory or converted garage or other downstairs extension which she can turn into a dedicated playroom so her children (one is here, one is on the way) can have a room in which they can play together a room which means the third bedroom being small wont be too much of a problem & a room they can keep all their toys (& later study gear) handy & she can be nearby all the time, rather than them having to play upstairs with some toys, like train tables.

Brighton_belle

I also think any such decision to make a room multiuse should have been made with the OP's DD not imposed on her.

Brighton_belle

MrsE wrote: »

I use my spare room as a home office, laundry room, spare double bedroom, even storage for stuff that I dont want to put in the loft.

I would think it a complete waste if I had to give up my office & laundry to use it as a bedroom 2 dozen nights a year.

Yes, for such a range a multi purpose I can see it would be a waste of space for you, but presumably it has always been a spare room for you, you are not taking it away from someone else - we are talking about is displacing a child here, devaluing their place in the family, and I think that is way more important than the utter luxury of a 'playroom'.


In a few years she will be off to university - that would have been a natural time to discuss changes perhaps.

trolleyrun

I won't go into my story here, but I was treated very differently to my siblings (one full, one half). What I was desperate for was for someone - anyone - to listen to me and tell me I was worth more. It took me years to "get over it" and is still a work in progress.

I'd like to commend the OP for being there for her daughter and listening to her. That's the best thing you can do imho. Your DD knows she's loved and cherished by you and that will keep her going, no matter what happens with her father.

I agree with other posters re CSA. Keep it and put in a savings account for your DD. Let her choose how much time she wants to spend at her father's house. If she really likes her grandparent, she could visit them and tell her father to come see her there. That way she gets to spend some time with him without the SM (unless SM is an interfering bat and insists in coming too).

I wish you and your DD the very best

74jax

Regarding the bedroom situation, parents have a room, DD's sister and brother have their own rooms and DD had a room. They also have another room which they currently call the study and has DD's brothers train set in and the sister's dolls house etc.

They said they were swapping the rooms round, and DD believed it would just be a straight swap. What appears to have happened is the computer has swapped from the study to what was DD's room, and DD's bed etc is now in what was the study - complicated I know but it might be how I'm explaining it.

Yes the two younger kids can come and go as they wish to DD's now new bedroom.

They have said the kids like playing with DD and so wanted a room that had their toys and DD in - currently when they wake DD she obvioulsy doesn't have their toys in.

DD's TV, radio etc is being left in the now computer room and so she doesn't have them any more. I said they were hers so she should be able to move them but she said she isn't. Her dad and Step mum may have bought them, but they were for the 'room' and not for DD as she thought.

Hope that makes more sence...

GobbledyGook

Has your DD thought about telling her Dad how she feels?

Maybe even in a letter. Letting him know about how upsetting the changes are just in case they are being utterly thoughtless rather that deliberately cutting her out?

notanewuser

Do not send one penny of your CSA money back. When they ask why, tell them that they are treating your daughter disgracefully and that wasn't part of the deal.

Your ex will regret it when your daughter doesn't want him taking the traditional father roles when she's older: graduating, walking her down the aisle etc.

newcook

How horrible for your DD – I really feel for her

I too would be telling them to jog on when they ask why you haven’t sent back half of the CSA money – the money is meant to be towards your daughter not for them to go on holiday and not include your DD or for them to spoil their children at Christmas and make your DD feel left out. And living in a 4/5 bedroomed house hardly screams poverty!

Next time DD gets asked to babysit, she should tell them ‘my fees are…’

I also think its terrible that DD’s siblings know they are not allowed to wake their parents before 8am – but its ok to wake your DD!

MrsE_2

newcook wrote: »

How horrible for your DD – I really feel for her

I too would be telling them to jog on when they ask why you haven’t sent back half of the CSA money – the money is meant to be towards your daughter not for them to go on holiday and not include your DD or for them to spoil their children at Christmas and make your DD feel left out. And living in a 4/5 bedroomed house hardly screams poverty!

Next time DD gets asked to babysit, she should tell them ‘my fees are…’

I also think its terrible that DD’s siblings know they are not allowed to wake their parents before 8am – but its ok to wake your DD!

I assumed from the op giving them half tge csa money back they really were a little hard up, I certainly didnt imagine a 5 bed house!
When I talk about my spare room being a multi purpose room, its because ive only got 2 bedrooms, so my spare has to be a jack of all trades!

Op - you can't change them, you can't do a blind thing. But you can carry on being such a great mum that it doesnt matter if the dads a bit crappy & stop giving them money back?
Out of interest, how much have you given them over the years?

pops5588

Oh OP. I wish more than anything that I could give your daughter a hug and tell her that it will all turn out ok, I really do! I have been exactly where she is and then some. Like others I won't go into a huge amount of detail, but I was completely alienated by my father and his new wife and step-kids. Everyone had a bedroom but me, I was a young teenage girl trying to find my place in this big, new family and I was given the sofa. I was a free babysitter, carted along on their caravan holidays to watch the kids while they drank and socialised. Initially when my father left I saw him once a week. This went down to bi-weekly. By the end it was twice a year, and even then my step-mother came along to monitor how much he was spending on us and make sure it wasn't too much.

I was miserable. Even the twice a year visits plunged me into depression afterwards and I would spend nights sobbing over the grief of it. The fact that your daughter is holding it together so well is an absolute credit to you and you should be very proud.

Like others have already said, she is now at a point in her life where she can see it for what it is. It really is her decision. My mother never pushed me, but she knew I would be better off without them in my life. I tried for so long mainly for my very young half-sister, but having someone in your life who is meant to love you unconditionally treat you so badly feels like poison, and he had to go. Haven't spoken to him for a few years now and have never been happier.

All you can do is back her up 100% on whatever she wants and needs. It will make it easier for her to know she can rely on you.

Oh, and stop giving the swine his money back!!!!

Wishing you both all the best