Another Step Family query....

TBagpuss

First off, well done for supporting your daughter to have a relationship with her dad, despite your own feelings about him.

Secondly, top sending back any money from the child support he pays. His other children will have been taken in to account when this was calculated and you are not responsible for his, and his wife's, financial management. Any spare, put aside for your daughter.

Then: I would suggest that you talk with your daughter. Let her know that you remain supportive of her spending time with her siblings and dad, and indeed with her step-grandparents and paternal family, but that you won't seek to force her to go more frequently than she is comfortable with.

Ask her if she would like you to speak to her father about how she is treated - if so, speak to your ex and let him know that she is being made to feel as though she is a second class citizen compared with his younger children, that she is treated like an unpaid babysitter and the fact that the difference in the amount that is spent on her is both noticable *and hurtful* to her.

You could also ask her whether she would like you to speak to her paternal grandparents and/or step parents to let them know she is happy to see them separately from visiting her dad.

And above all, reassure her that it is OK, and normal, for her to feel upset about how she is treated. Encourage her to talk to her dad directly about it if she can, but let her know that, sadly, he may not respond.

Grumpygit

You can't fix it for her to have a good relationship with her dad and his new family - we tried with dd but ultimately, it's down to them.

We never bad mouthed my ex or the step witch and sat dd down on numerous occasions to explain events that she had told us about and put them down to sibling rivaly, stress etc but we got to a point where we couldn't make excuses for them......not that I am saying you are, but there comes a point especially when the child starts to realise that it's not right or fair and starts to have ideas and opinions of their own and then you have to face reality and start talking with them and tell it like it is not the fairytale that you wish it was.

There was a topic on here from a step mothers point of view about how her step children are treating her and how hurtful it is for her, so there are step parents out there who go out of their way to try and make things right, unfortunately, it appears that both our dd's have been unlucky.

My ex feels so guilty about it all, his stance was anything for an easy life and although he saw what was going on chose not to do anything about it until it's now too late....your ex may be in that situation (which doesn't excuse his behaviour) but it may give you an insight into what to do now......and that is to support your little girl.

It is heartbreaking to hear what they have been through and you just want to shout and scream at the dad (and step witch) but you can't....a dignified stance is better for your dd.

She will know that you love, understand and support her and that is the most important thing.

duchy

So you're giving them half of your daughter's child support back because they "can't manage" but can "manage" to spend £250 per child on gifts and Disney holidays?
Hmmm

Your daughter is nearly sixteen - let her decide when she wants to visit - don't even subtly "encourage" her . Give her some control over the situation.

MrsE_2

You can't make him want to see her more & do things for her & with her more. If thats not offered freely its worthless.
You should stop sending half the CSA back NOW - If you can manage without half, put it away for your daughter.

On a side note, a few people mentioned the visiting child having to use a multipurpose room (playroom) rather than their own dedicated bedroom. Space is such a premium I dont think their is anything wrong in getting extra use out of a bedroom that would only be used every 2 or 3 weekends. I think thats entirely reasonable, after all these children havd their own dedicated bedrooms where they live.

JanCee

Definitely stop refunding any CSA money. I am not sure when it stops anyway but it sounds unlikely that your DD will get any financial help from her DF in the future. Start saving it for her.

Brighton_belle

MrsE wrote: »

Yo

On a side note, a few people mentioned the visiting child having to use a multipurpose room (playroom) rather than their own dedicated bedroom. Space is such a premium I dont think their is anything wrong in getting extra use out of a bedroom that would only be used every 2 or 3 weekends. I think thats entirely reasonable, after all these children havd their own dedicated bedrooms where they live.

But seriously, do children really 'need' a playroom - millions of us grew up with 'just bedrooms'.

Mojisola

MrsE wrote: »

On a side note, a few people mentioned the visiting child having to use a multipurpose room (playroom) rather than their own dedicated bedroom. Space is such a premium I dont think their is anything wrong in getting extra use out of a bedroom that would only be used every 2 or 3 weekends. I think thats entirely reasonable, after all these children havd their own dedicated bedrooms where they live.

I agree with this - depending on the emphasis -

This is X's bedroom which the resident children are allowed to play in when she isn't staying and anything she keeps there is respected and it's her private space while she's here;

or, this our children's playroom but we'll try to squeeze X in when she stays but the other children will be in and out all the time because it's really their room and, of course, they'll play with anything she leaves here between visits.

MrsE_2

Brighton_belle wrote: »

But seriously, do children really 'need' a playroom - millions of us grew up with 'just bedrooms'.

I use my spare room as a home office, laundry room, spare double bedroom, even storage for stuff that I dont want to put in the loft.

I would think it a complete waste if I had to give up my office & laundry to use it as a bedroom 2 dozen nights a year.

Person_one

Brighton_belle wrote: »

But seriously, do children really 'need' a playroom - millions of us grew up with 'just bedrooms'.

My experience suggests that parents who have specific 'playrooms' do so because they don't allow the children to play in the rest of the house.

Which ties in with the theory that they only invite the older daughter round so that she'll entertain the little ones and they don't have to.

Sad situation all round really.

MrsE_2

Mojisola wrote: »

I agree with this - depending on the emphasis -

This is X's bedroom which the resident children are allowed to play in when she isn't staying and anything she keeps there is respected and it's her private space while she's here;

or, this our children's playroom but we'll try to squeeze X in when she stays but the other children will be in and out all the time because it's really their room and, of course, they'll play with anything she leaves here between visits.

Yes, I see what you mean, they shouldn't be in & out when shes using it as a bedroom, they certainly shouldn't be coming in, in the morning!

And she should have a place to put her belongings where no one interfers with them.