Toys, toys, toys and anxiety!

meer53

Since my ex left 12 years ago, i've discovered the damage he caused by showering our children with gifts at every opportunity. I too used to despair when he came home with Iphones, (our daughter was given a mobile aged 6) Macbooks, top of the range video cameras (for a 13 year old ? Really ? It's still in the box) Sega/Nintendo/Playstation/XBox, Outfits from Harvey Nicks for our daughter (she prefers Primark and New Look) Ipads, Ipods, the list is endless.

It's all backfired on him. He was never here when the kids needed him, parents evenings, sports day, school fetes, when they were ill, when they woke up crying asking where he was. They both would much rather have had him here.

Money, and gifts cannot make up for this. Ever. And now it's too late. OP, show your wife this thread, might just hit home ?

Person_one

jamiefly wrote: »

Phone up next week say you have a 1 year old girl that needs an MRI headscan and will need to be anaesthetised see what they say. They won't do it.

You should have complained, MRIs on young children are not that unusual, if one was needed it should have been done.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/MRI-scan/Pages/Who-can-use-it.aspx

Yorkie1

I'm going to go against the flow here and say that I do have sympathy for the OP.

Others have missed it but he has twice mentioned (in passing) symptoms indicating a possibility of depression.

Others have already commented that his wife appears to be controlling. I agree. He has been told that he needs her approval for any job or even volunteering activity. She disregards his comments about the wholly disproportionate level of toys she showers on the rest of the family. I can understand fully why she might want to compensate for absence, of course, but it sounds as though she has no respect for him and his views.

Furthermore, if you have depression, things can appear overwhelming leading to a form of mental paralysis - such as inability to organise things or respond to good suggestions. Tiredness / fatigue can be common.

OP is also somewhat isolated and without many reported support systems.

Money doesn't buy you happiness, they say, and given what's been posted about his wife it sounds to me as though he would need his wife's permission / agreement before doing anything contrary to what he's already posted. e.g. getting help in the house sooner.

I don't disagree that this thread diverted onto issues which don't show the OP in a good light, such as the descriptions of people at some of the groups he's attended.

OP, I think you posted that you don't have the password so can't stop the purchases. I also think you said that you can't control the delivery as it happens without you being required to come to the door.

Others have made some really good suggestions about the practical ways in which you might manage the overwhelming number of packages coming to the door. Take some time when you can, to assess them and decide which you can put into place and in which order.

But a visit to your GP might also be worth considering. And perhaps counselling for yourself about your self-worth because I feel as though you've not got a lot of that at the moment.

springdreams

We have not overlooked his mention of depression. For this it has been suggested that he places the children in child care one or two days a week, hire a cleaner to help with the untidiness and get some me time whilst this is being done.

He is also not totally isolated - he mentioned that his mum was around to help him tidy house today. If his mum was close enough to do that, then she must be aware of the OPs current situation re the state of the house and volume of toys, and can lend the OP her support.

Yorkie1

I had forgotten the mention of his mum, thanks for reminding me springdreams.

But the rest of my post generally stands. It sounds as though expenditure has to be OK'd by his wife e.g. for tax reasons and it sounds also as though that isn't going to be permitted.

springdreams

He mentioned at post 73 he does not use all the house keeping money that he is given each month, and that the excess is filtered into a SIPP.

jamiefly wrote: »

I'm getting an estate that does 0-60 in less than 7seconds essential criteria if you ask me (only joking) we live out in the sticks so a car is essential (which is able to cope with moderate flood waters). I pay the bills from the house keeping (risking sounding like a troll of £3,300 a month) and I take the money as I worry she will spend it on more toys. What isn't spent (~£1,300-£1,500 in outgoings) gets kicked back into an old account of hers then recycled into a SIPP.

It is this excess which could be utilised for the child care and cleaner, so the tax implications should not apply. I don't think his wife dictates how the house keeping money should be spent, otherwise why give him more than he needs?

paulineb_2

Where is the happiness in the marriage. The OP is depressed, shes working away a lot of the time and feels guilty. Its not much of a life for either of them and as the kids grow up, they'll pick up on the unhappy vibes.

springdreams

paulineb wrote: »

Where is the happiness in the marriage. The OP is depressed, shes working away a lot of the time and feels guilty. Its not much of a life for either of them and as the kids grow up, they'll pick up on the unhappy vibes.

He is not in a unique position. Many women walk in his shoes every day (most without the benefit of a fancy car and loads of money) and find ways of coping.

paulineb_2

springdreams wrote: »

He is not in a unique position. Many women walk in his shoes every day (most without the benefit of a fancy car and loads of money) and find ways of coping.

I know. But as I said before I think sometimes people can put up with a lot, call it denial, call it it isnt so bad really.

But if someone is controlling and it sounds like the OP's wife is, a very bad sign, really bad.

Mutual respect and some willingness to work through tough times, if you dont have that you might as well nail jelly to a ceiling.

And perhaps thats why the OP has had a reaction to some of the posts, because he knows the marriage could be in trouble. Who wants to live their life being told what they can and can't do, no wonder you feel like crap under those circumstances, someones treating you like crap, she earns the money so she says what goes?

paulineb_2

Id rather be skint and have my self respect and my mental health on an even keel.