Children and violence

Paradigm

IMO if you have never been bullied or have had a child that was & seen the misery it causes then you are not qualified to comment.

As for this....

Personally I would laugh and walk away.

I wouldn't lower myself to the same pathetic level as the person who hit me.

Walking away would irritate them more than hitting them.

You ain't got a clue have you?

marisco_2

pinkshoes wrote: »

Personally I would laugh and walk away.

You have clearly never been hit by someone and seriously hurt. If you had been you could not make the above statement. It is one of the most upsetting, degrading and humiliating of experiences. The damage caused to a person who is bullied and lives in fear of another goes way beyond any bruising or in worst case scenarios broken bones.

Someone who stands up for themselves and stops another person from bullying them is not likely to turn into a violent adult. It is much more likely that a bully who is never shown that others will not tolerate such behaviour, and who thinks they can do as they like will be the one with no self control later in life.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

There's a world of difference between self-defence and retaliation.


Unfortunately, some parents don't realise or care about this difference - and where there are significant disparities in size and strength, this can lead to serious injury on either side.

I was regularly beaten up by a girl much, much bigger than me in secondary school. It didn't matter how much I fought back, I got battered - but the response from home was 'you should stand up for yourself/hit back harder'. It just made her hit me even more and some of the later highlights included being slung through glass and pushed in front of a bus. Eventually, I snapped - but trying to kill her didn't make her suddenly respect me, it was the Head of Year realising the seriousness of the situation and that I had to have been pushed beyond breaking point over years by her (and the ineffectiveness of hitting back when you're so much smaller) that led to her expulsion.


Later on, I grew a bit more and was able to defend myself when somebody else tried to stab me in class. No action was taken against me because I had defensive wounds on my hands that proved what she had been doing. But I had stopped as soon as the teacher had made it clear he was in control, the immediate danger was over once he was there.


I think the original logic was that encouraging somebody to fight back made them tougher - but it just reinforces the feeling that if somebody is bigger and stronger than you, you're on your own, as you don't get help if you ask for it, you're supposed to deal with these things yourself.


I'm not proud of either event - or any of the scraps I got into at infant school. But at least if the majority of kids are taught - and learn - that hitting is unacceptable outside self defence, only the knuckle draggers are left to deal with.

Adrenalina

I find this discussion really worrying.
I was teased at secondary school (and I do think the word "bully" is thrown around a bit too carelessly thesedays) and never got to grips with defending myself, physically nor verbally.
My younger brother and sister both got into trouble for physically defending themselves. I can't honestly say whether that improved their social standing with teachers or classmates, but it left one of them with a police caution - school is just one meeting place for young people after all.

Now I have a child of my own I guess I was hoping societies structure would defend her from physical and severe verbal abuse, but it sounds as if schools just aren't equipped to deal with these ever increasing scenarios.
And why not?
Shouldn't we be focusing on that, rather than what other parents do or don't tell their children? If schools had more transparent and effective methods for dealing with allegations of bullying, wouldn't we all be more able to say "violence is not the answer" and stand shoulder to shoulder against physical and verbal abuse, no matter what the ages of those involved.

I guess I live in dreamland...

tinkerfairy

My daughter has been hit many times at school and when she tells the teacher they either tell her to stop telling tales or the other girl denies it, either way my daughter is left unbelieved and it happens again. I ring up the school they tell me they will keep an eye out but they don't. Even as an adult the authorities rarely protect you when a victim or violence . If you don't look after yourself nobody else will.

I tell my daughter to hit back but she's too scared to get in trouble with the teachers. What a horrible situation to be in for anyone scared to defend yourself and scared if you don't.

It's a natural instinct , fight or flight when in danger. So you either hit back or run away. The other saying is you can't run away from your problems , it's true if you run away the bully will be back and it'll be worse as they know your scared of them.

pukkamum

I too have told my kids this as did my mum and dh and his family.

I tell them never ever throw the first punch but defend themselves accordingly, it could be possible to walk away and if so do.

however sometimes you need to be ready to hit back but do it in self defence not anger.

sooty&sweep

Hi
I've got two children, one at secondary school and one at primary.
So far I've not had any issue with bullying with either and fingers crossed it stays that way. However when what to do has been discussed we've always said go and tell a teacher and they will help you.
The thing that is really concerning me is the number of instances within this thread where children have tried to tell a teacher and they've geen ignored or not believed. I've also got friends with children who've had bullying issues and the school has refused to admit there was a problem or to act.
Tell the teacher only works if you have confidence that you will be listened to and something will be done.
Its OK saying walk away but bullies are generally cowards and so there is often a group so how do you walk away when you're surrounded ?
I'd never tell either of my children that it's ok to hit someone else but if it became necessary to defend yourself then I'm not sure I see many options.

Jen

FBaby

stix62 wrote: »

I would have been. Good on the lad for finally standing up to the idiot and teaching him a well deserved lesson.

I've always told my kids to hit someone back if they hit you first, but hit them harder, and I shall tell my grand children the same.
I also told them you NEVER hit anyone first.

It's ok to say you shouldn't hit back, but isn't this basic human survival?

Except that the parents are acting as judge. They are not there when the incidents happen, they are not there to decide that their child have always acted as little angels against the horrible bully. Yet, that child has gone on to cause serious physical damage to that child.

I would without a doubt have removed my child from a school if I was seriously worried about my child and thought things were unlikely to get better long before I would think pleased that my child had broken an another's child.

ciderwithrosie_2

I was told by my parents that if someone hits you, they're stupid, but if you then hit them back, you're even more stupid, so sadly I was bullied mercilessly at secondary school and it was often only my ability to run fast that saved me from a pasting! If they'd just said, it's OK to stand up for yourself, and we will support you if there are repercussions from the school, it could have been a different story!

Of my 3 sons, only the youngest was ever bullied, he had the whole class taunting him for preferring things like drawing to football and being a damn sight more intelligent than the majority. His teacher's advice, when I went to see her, was that it was basically my son's fault and he should try harder to fit in! It all came to a head one day and he was cornered in the cloakroom by some boys, he eventually snapped and walloped the ringleader up the side of the head with his lunchbox.

Being on good terms with the headmaster, through the PTA, I explained all that had gone on previously and there were no repercussions for my son, the other boys were in his office the next morning however. They thought twice about picking on him after that.

FBaby

So now we have a teacher who closes her eye to bullying and a headteacher who thinks physical violence is ok and even rewarded. It gets better and better!