Major worries about benefits, mental health, rent and debt, clueless and can't cope

When_the_going_gets_tough

Hi Scared crazy please do not despair. I think you need some ongoing support to deal with all this, but also need to work with your girlfriend. CAB could provide some help, each CAB is different as to how you access their services - but if you could get an appointment it would be worth explaining your condition so the adviser knows to make allowances/adjustments. Also print off and take with you your opening post - it may be long but I thought it was very coherent. With regard to work maybe the Autistic Society may have some help - in the right role you would clearly be a very useful employee. I do feel for you and hope you are able to work through some of the suggestions from people here.

PlymouthMaid

I am sorry life is so tough for you (and your girlfriend) at present. I think the advice to learn some skills which would enable you to work alone/at home most of the time was good. Book-keeping, accountancy, web design, programming would all fit the bill here and many things can be self-taught using the internet.

I wonder if social services could work with you and your girlfriend in some way to ease the pressures and explain benefits etc. to you both more clearly. I don't know how you actually get a social worker but I do think that you could do with an outsider's help right now as you have so many worries.

Sorry my post is not much help but I really felt your worries through your long but, I thought, heartfelt post.

BigAunty

ScaredCrazy wrote: »

Thank you, I'm sorry I didn't mention it but I've already read that. Unfortunately, most of it seems irrelevant to my particular circumstances, being concerned with reducing spending (I have no money, so no spending) or repayments (no money, no repayments).

I may have misunderstood, but I presume telling the bank of my condition is not helpful if I've already been contacted by a collection agency. The help from friends and family section, well, there's only my girlfriend, and I doubt she can cope any better than I. Lastly the online forms linked from there I cannot complete as my girlfriend refuses to give me the relevant information..

Then you didn't read it very well - go and read it again as you will simply waste our time if you don't read and act on expert advice that is given to you.

It wasn't just about budgeting but also provided advice on how to resolve banking issues.

It included information on basic bank accounts which you appear to have missed before you posted that you didn't have a bank account and couldn't open one.It has info on how to deal with debt collectors - missed again? It has links to debt management charities that will help you come up with a strategy in how to deal with them, including perhaps getting them written off.

You had to do more than just briefly browse parts of that document, you have to make calls, take some action! That document is written precisely for someone in your situation by experts so I'm not really sure why you think its useless - noone has a magic wand to wave away your money worries, it still takes effort. Go and read that document and take all the recommended action for your issues. No one on this forum can give better advice than those experts.

Please distinguish between your debts and your girlfriends.You are only responsible for debts in your name, in which case that guide will tell you how to sort them.If you gf doesn't cooperate with debts in her name, the debts are simply her problem - you can't sort them out as they are in her name so apart from offering support that's all you can do.

BigAunty

ScaredCrazy wrote: »

I am very sorry, I knew I was posting too much, I am having trouble organizing my thoughts and didn't know what information was relevant. I guess in the simplest forms my questions are:

How can I avoid being kicked out of my home?

• How can I avoid my bank taking everything or putting me in court?
• How can I avoid being forced into a stressful and demanding JSA system or job that is not designed for or sympathetic to my mental problems and may make my condition worse? (clarification: I want to work, routine is important to me, but I fear being forced into a job that's available rather than suitable)

How can I avoid being kicked out of my home?

You wrote "Our rent is paid in six month lump sums, with the next six month payment due to be cleared 27th this month. We have previously attempted to switch to a monthly contract, but the landlady refused unless we had a guarantor. When the previous rent was one day late, and she was told in advance it would be one day late (waiting for a check to clear), she proceeded to serve notice regardless - I guess this indicates she is not of favorable disposition."

See the Shelter website about your rights and the eviction process. You are at risk of homelessness so call them on their free emergency number.

Rent arrears are a serious issue. There isn't one landlord in the country that has a 'favourable disposition' to rent arrears so I'm not sure why you are surprised by this.

It is a big shame that the landlady insists on 6 months rent each renewal as its clear you aren't in the position to meet it,its a common request for risky tenants on the initial contract but then often switches to monthly.Clearly the landlady thought you must be risky tenants if she asked you to pay 6 months rent up front at the initial term or a guarantor and she was right in that hunch as you've paid late before and now it looks like you may default again.

What is your HB entitlement, how much is it compared to the rent and have you applied for HB?

How can I avoid my bank taking everything or putting me in court?

Read that debt management document again and do as it says,speak to one of the recommended debt charities and follow their action plan. The Direct Gov website also has information on how to deal with debt, too.

This website has a debt free wanabee board - post there for debt support.

How can I avoid being forced into a stressful and demanding JSA system

Apply for ESA. See if you meet the conditions for PIP and apply. Get help filling in the forms from an expert, such as Citizens Advice or Mind or disability charities. You say you have autism, contact a suitable charity for help with your ESA/PIP applications and for support/advice about job seeking.

You should not prematurely worry about JSA - focus your energies on ESA/PIP with the support of others and ensure you put in the best application you can.


Finally, consider calling the Samaritans who will offer a confidential and sympathetic ear - they will listen to anyone experiencing a crisis.Since yours spans debt, housing, employment, relationship and health issues, you may benefit from unloading your worries onto them.

Also, while your partner isn't necessarily responsible for all her actions, there are charities for male victims that suffer from emotional and financial abuse at home (it doesn't just mean victims of domestic physical violence). You might benefit by giving them a call - what your partner did with your credit card is not acceptable. The kind of emotional blackmail you are under must be intolerable. Granted, she has mental health issues but you do appear to be in an abusive relationship. Granted that you may love her but you are in a toxic relationship as it's clear she's intimidating you, bullying you, manipulating you, not showing you the respect that is due.Don't be embarrassed or ashamed but don't put up with it or start to see it as normal.

http://www.mankind.org.uk/typesdomesticabuse.html

http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/mens_advice.php

http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-men/men-are-abused-too/

dl5543

I think you should go to the citizens advice bureau, they are set up to help people like you and your partner. And should be able to help you formulate a plan, or at least point you in the right direction.

You should take small manageable steps if possible, rather than overwhelming yourself... I wish you well.

StormyWeather_2

Are you receiving housing benefit? If so the council might have a process where they will help you with the landlord problems. You could ask if they will pay direct to the landlord.

ScaredCrazy

Thank you everyone for your advice and concern, taken together it seems my immediate course of action should be to contact Citizen's Advice, so as soon as I can get out of the flat without my girlfriend stopping me I shall do so, and then if they can't help I shall have to resort to telephoning the charities kindly mentioned (I do not do well on the phone, can't talk or think clearly).

Poppie68 wrote: »

If your girlfriend is successful with her ESA you can be added to her claim without the need for you to go throught the process...

I believe she has already included me on her claim - I know she needed bank statements from me (although the only ones I had were too old).

how about maybe doing an online course for example in accounting?

Thank you for the suggestion, I had always assumed that any meaningful qualification would cost money, but if there's free certification that is actually useful in getting a job I will pursue this.

speedfreek1000 wrote: »

Also what phase of treatment are you and your girlfriend in?
Primary GP - IAPT or Secondary IPTT - CMHT or other?

The terminology is new to me, my GP referred me to one person, who took notes and sent them to an autism specialist who then wanted to see me, who in turn sent me to two others - but I don't know what stage that makes it. My girlfriend had an appointment with an NHS psychiatrist after being refered by the GP a couple of years ago, didn't like it, and has persued it no further since then. I am currently waiting to recieve a letter stating my condition after my most recent appointment, but was told I will need this for future employers so will need to hang on to it.

When_the_going_gets_tough wrote: »

Also print off and take with you your opening post

Thank you, I wasn't sure if this would be appropriate of would offend. I shall do this. As for the National Autistic Society, everything I have heard about them is bad, that they are concerned more with money and image than helping, so I am hesitant to involve them in case it makes things harder for me to cope with.

PlymouthMaid wrote: »

I think the advice to learn some skills which would enable you to work alone/at home most of the time was good. Book-keeping, accountancy, web design, programming would all fit the bill here and many things can be self-taught using the internet.

I am already highly skilled with programming and making websites, but will look into the accounting. The problem unfortunately is that my social difficulties and lack of understanding would make it hard for me to find clients and assess their needs, whilst lack of qualification or experience make it hard to find employers. I don't even nessecarily need to work at home, an office enviroment would not be too much to deal with.

I wonder if social services could work with you and your girlfriend in some way to ease the pressures and explain benefits etc. to you both more clearly. I don't know how you actually get a social worker but I do think that you could do with an outsider's help right now as you have so many worries.

Thank you, at my last appointment I was told I might be able to get a social worked, but had assumed social workers were all about trouble cooking and bathing or similar. At my next appointment I will pursue this.

BigAunty wrote: »

Then you didn't read it very well - go and read it again as you will simply waste our time if you don't read and act on expert advice that is given to you.

Sorry, when worried I don't take things in very well, and usually my girlfriend would help with reading complicated things to make sure I get it all. Additionally, anything which involves phones I tend to panic and avoid (it's stupid, I know, and I don't want to do it, but it's like seeing a spider, everything rational goes out the window). I do appreciate your help, and do not wish to seem ungrateful or lazy, it's just hard to keep my focus and think straight with all of this complicated stuff.

Please distinguish between your debts and your girlfriends.You are only responsible for debts in your name

Unfortunately, I am not certain which of the household bills are in both our names and which just hers, nor do I know which we are behind payment off - she goes out of her way to keep this from me, and usually the first I know is when something is disconnected. Also, even if I'm not technically responsible for her debts, surely I wouldn't be safe if the bailiffs came, and things hurting her still hurts me. And if only one of us can claim an income related out of work benefit, but both of us need food and bills paid out of it, then surely having debt taken from that income automatically affects both of us?

BigAunty wrote: »

Rent arrears are a serious issue. There isn't one landlord in the country that has a 'favourable disposition' to rent arrears so I'm not sure why you are surprised by this.

Sorry, I fear I may have been unclear. I did not mean to imply that the landlady would like the situation, but rather that I'd have expected someone to be understanding of a 24 hour delay when notified in advance rather than start eviction proceedures. I do not always understand the concept of reasonable behavior in the way other people seem to, but to me this struck me as an indicator the landlady is not a reasonable, cooperative, caring or understanding person, and consequently the present situation will be more problematic than with another person. I cannot however believe that all of humanity is more concerned with profit than people's sufferings.

What is your HB entitlement, how much is it compared to the rent and have you applied for HB?

Our housing benefit entitlement is £115. Our rent is approximately £3000, rising each time it is due (I have been told we cannot realistically expect to save money by moving unless we go to another town). Additionally, there is a fee to the letting agency for I believe £70 (my memory could be unreliable here) to process the rent payment. My girlfriend has applied (I have seen the letter refusing to backdate it, but she wont discuss it further).

This website has a debt free wanabee board - post there for debt support.

I will do so, thank you - I only posted here because the complicated situation made me unsure what was relevant to what, and I figured an income was first nessecary to deal with debt (the letters the bank send me are all about how and when I can repay rather than if I can).

Get help filling in the forms from an expert, such as Citizens Advice or Mind or disability charities.

Sorry, I am unclear - which of these is preferable, Citizen's Adivce or the charities?

As for the ESA, if my girlfriend has already put in a claim, doesn't that mean I can't or shouldn't? I do not wish to undermine her attempt, or worse commit fraud - especially if they want her financial details which I can also guess at.

Finally, consider calling the Samaritans who will offer a confidential and sympathetic ear

I would not wish to unload my worries on anyone else, and am deeply sorry if that is what I have done here (I am merely attempting to provide the best understanding of the situation). I feel bad enough asking for advice from people I can offer nothing in return.

there are charities for male victims that suffer from emotional and financial abuse at home

I am most sorry, I fear I may have miscommunicated the situation. My girlfriend is a very, kind, loving and generous person, and has only ever assaulted me once (and with good reason). I can say without doubt that she is being the way she is only out of fear and feeling overwhelmed, whilst believing that she is protecting me by inisting on taking on the whole burden alone. When she used my debit card, it was primarily to buy food and pay bills, which the both of us would benefit from, and her impulse comfort spending was partially triggered by the stress of having to deal with me and my problems. She fully intended to pay back the money before it incurred charges, and it was her family (who do not approve of me) that prevented her from doing so. I apologize if my lack of clarity presented a different situation, but she is far from toxic and indeed without her support I do not think I would be here today. Please do not fear for my safety from her, I do not think she could ever hurt me again.

seven-day-weekend

ScaredCrazy wrote: »

Thank you, I have looked into contacting them, but was unable to post on their forum and they say they are unable to help over their website. I will have to get to it in person, which will be hard without my girlfriend's cooperation and help getting there. I am concerned my poor speaking ability will impede me from relaying the necessary information. Is there any way I can get help from them in a textual format?


.

Go to see the CAB. Before you go write down what you want to tell them and if your verbal communication fails, you can ask them to read what you have written.

Also, contact your local branch of CAP, they will help you in an empathetic way. You could also write down your difficulties in communication for them.

https://capuk.org/i-want-help/cap-debt-help

When_the_going_gets_tough

Scared crazy, it is perfectly OK to seek and have some support from other people we all need that at times. This forum can give you helpful advice but your best bet is to seek some advice in person. Good luck with it all.

Indie_Kid

ScaredCrazy wrote: »

Thank you, I wasn't sure if this would be appropriate of would offend. I shall do this. As for the National Autistic Society, everything I have heard about them is bad, that they are concerned more with money and image than helping, so I am hesitant to involve them in case it makes things harder for me to cope with.

A lot of people, including me have had problems getting advice from National Autistic Society. They appear to care more about parents of Autistic children, rather than Autistic adults.

As for the ESA, if my girlfriend has already put in a claim, doesn't that mean I can't or shouldn't? I do not wish to undermine her attempt, or worse commit fraud - especially if they want her financial details which I can also guess at.

If you're on her claim, you can't then put in a claim in your own name.