OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

JustKeepSwimming_2

Horace wrote: »

JKS There is always a phone number on benefit investigation letters. I received a letter a few years' ago to say that I was under investigation because I had paid tax in 2007 - I called them to say that I had paid tax because until August 2007 I was in full time employment. I never heard anything so rang again to discover that they were satisfied with my answer and closed the case. I wouldn't fret over it too much (I know it is scary when you receive these things) because you haven't claimed and haven't done anything wrong. JCP are pretty clueless at the best of times especially if they have to deviate from the prepared script.

Thanks Horace - I thought it was a bit odd that there wasn't a phone number, but then I've had genuine letters from DWP that haven't had phone numbers on either :rotfl:

ellie99 wrote: »

...Re your letter, FWIW I wouldn't do anything if you're sure you didn't claim anything, just file it in case you get any more. It's up to the benefits people to prove you claimed, not you to dis-prove it. If you didn't claim, then there will be no record of you getting any payments.

I know its up to the DWP to prove their case, but they've been so incompetent in some of their dealings that I don't have any faith that they'll do it properly.

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I do fully understand that its one possible approach to wait for the Benefits people to do something and try and prove you DID have money you didn't have iyswim.

Errrm...own experience of these things would be more along the lines of "take bull by horns" and "nip it in the bud".

The DWP and HMRC can be right b*******s if/when they get their teeth into something and single best way to convince them of your innocence is to get in right at the outset and do a swift/short/sharp "evidence" thing to prove they're wrong and that should, hopefully, sort that in the quickest and easiest way possible...

I think I'll take it to the JCP & see if they can see that it is a genuine letter (when I have the time to spare). I know I'll keep stewing on it until I know & can do something about it, as I'm in that frame of mind just now.

Thanks for all your advice.

ETA - no MSTM thankfully I haven't had any weird orders turning up, or anything else that seems odd, just that letter. Poison neighbour doesn't seem to be that imaginative - other people who know her have been reported for benefit fraud & all innocent AFAIK.

JustKeepSwimming_2

ellie99 wrote: »

Love it :rotfl:

I think gut instinct is a big thing...on the few occasions I've over-ridden my gut instinct, things have gone badly wrong, so I'm more willing to listen to it now.

I don't know *how* you get confidence in your own judgement, I just seem to have it. I'm sure it's nice as half of a couple to have someone agree with your choices, but I'm not sure how much that helps.
For years I've been confident in buying cars, houses, moving house, leaving work, finding work, going self employed, bringing up children, all big things...I think I just had to get on with it.
I don't talk things through with my friends much (well, I will chat, but I'm not looking for help in making my mind up). I walk, and churn things over in my mind. I also make pro/con lists if I can't decide.

The only thing I make a mess of is picking men, so I've given that up for the moment :rotfl:

I read a book (can't remember the title) which took the view that as soon as you've made a decision about something, that's it, there is no wrong choice. So if you had to decide between path A and path B, if you chose path B, then that's your new starting point, forget about the other options, there are no wrong decisions. Sorry, I'm not explaining it very well, but it takes the pressure off worrying that you're making the wrong choice... there are very few things which can't be put right if you don't like where your choices take you.

now, if only I could decide what to have for tea...:rotfl:

I like the idea of just making a decision & accepting it - I must try harder to do this & not stew so much.

I always used to be confident in my own decisions, but I've really started to wobble over the last few years. I think my last disastrous relationship has something to do with it - I don't blame the man (although he really didn't turn out to be who I thought he was); I blame myself so not seeing how it would all end & the damage it would cause. It all went so wrong (won't go into it but will say he ended up going to prison. It was all very public & I lost a lot of people I thought were real friends) that I've lost my faith in myself, & that is difficult to get back.

It also doesn't help that my ex thinks I'm a rubbish mother & doesn't back me up very often; just sighs & says how he & the current wife do it, which by definition, MUST be right.

I know I'm not doing a truly awful job, & hope DD & DS will understand why I've made some of the decisions I've made (& lets face it, the mother often gets blamed for everything ). But it is hard to keep believing in yourself when very few people back you up.

That's where you lot come in - so glad this forum exists & you all just get it.

LavenderBees wrote: »

...One day, when I am old(er), I intend to say and act on my gut instinct...and watch with delight the chaos that ensues :rotfl:. Roll on that day.... :T

LB xx

Oh I can't wait to act like that too. So fed up with having to be responsible ALL THE TIME.

LL - lovely to hear from you. I'm with Ellie & don't think that what you are doing is morbid at all. I hope to do the same thing for my two. I had to deal with all of my Dads affairs after he died & I couldn't find the official will for several days :eek:. It had been there all along but in my distress I just hadn't seen it. I'm going to make sure everything is well labelled, backed up etc. My OCD friend has offered to help, so it will work wonderfully (if I let her have her own way with the filing :rotfl:)

Horace

LL glad that you are ok and enjoying slopping paint on things.

I always go with my gut instinct, only once when I didn't go with it I ended up in a lot of bother because I ended up being conned by the jobcentre and by a fake employer. Now it is gut instinct all the way.

JKS - sometimes your confidence takes a battering when you go out with the wrong man, sometimes such men can be quite charming and in so doing hide their true selves. I ended up married to a man that seemed to treat me well at first but gradually he sapped me and I was constantly told I was useless to the point I actually believed that I was. When we separated, I went out with a chap for quite a few years - I thought the sun shone out of his jacksy but my friends thought otherwise. Eventually, I woke up to myself and saw him for what he really was - a lying weasel. Yet another man who charmed me yet treated me like trash, thankfully I don't need to hear the word spaz anymore (oh yes, I was called that because of my sight loss) nor do I need to be called pups (thinking back he hardly ever used my name so maybe it was easier to call all girlfriends pups so he wouldn't get the names mixed up). So JKS it isn't just you who manages to pick a wrong 'un.

Sometimes we make decisions because we have to and as a mother (I am not one) you make them for the best and I am sure that your kids appreciate that. Your ex OH says that you are a bad mother because he knows it will hurt you and maybe in some sick way he is relishing the opportunity to continually hurt you and sap your confidence. Don't give him the satisfaction - carry on doing what you are doing because you are doing a great job.

JustKeepSwimming_2

BookWorm wrote: »

Small consolation I know but you have us

That is no small consolation at all BW - you lot are all fab :j

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

...As regards men, I have a distinct problem there. That problem being that there are probably very very few men indeed on the planet that will measure up. I look at my father (ie highly intelligent/good-looking/skyhigh integrity and honesty/hardworking/faithful) and I've been on a "losing wicket" ever since haven't I? - ie trying to find someone similar for myself:rotfl:There just ARENT going to be many like that are there in all honesty?:( Its unrealistic to think it and I long ago gave up either trying to on the one hand or settling for third-best on the other hand.

Interesting theory MSTM - my Dad was the complete opposite (alcoholic womaniser who used to hit my mother, used to go on benders & bring his drunk mates/women home, refused to pay any maintenance when my mother finally saw sense & left him, would stand me up on the odd occasions he'd arranged to see me or bring along whichever girl was flavour of the week if he could be bothered to turn up - wouldn't win any prizes for being Dad of the Year ).

Most of the men I've had serious relationships with have turned out to be deeply flawed in some way. I've had the physically abusive partner (back in the days when the police didn't do domestics & would just tell you to sort it out, ignoring the bruises - thank goodness that is now very different). Next came the partner who has to be sectioned & has spent most of his adult life being a frequent flyer in the mental health services (he had an appalling childhood). Following that was the married man who kept his marriage a secret from me for over 6 months until I caught him out quite by chance. Next was the one who committed suicide a few months after we split up because he'd been serially unfaithful.

And then I met my ex husband - who is so utterly devoid of any feelings for anyone, including his own children - a fact commented on by the woman who then went on to marry him & have a child with him. At least she knows what she's getting in to :rotfl:

Then came the one who went to prison.

I'm not trying to say that all men are !!!! at all - just that I seem to be unable to pick a good one (in my darker moments I joke that all I need is to have dated an arsonist & a p a e d o phile to have collected the full set of unsuitable partners).

What I do wonder is if my own subconscious decision making process about which men to date is so seriously wrong, can I ever get it right?

I'm sure I've read somewhere that its thought that all girls are "looking for Daddy" somewhere in the men that they date - my experience shows me that I seem to find my Dad's less attractive traits in my partners no matter how hard I think I'm trying to avoid them.

I'm sure you'll all be relieved that I'm no longer looking for a partner :rotfl:

Horace wrote: »

....So JKS it isn't just you who manages to pick a wrong 'un.

Sometimes we make decisions because we have to and as a mother (I am not one) you make them for the best and I am sure that your kids appreciate that. Your ex OH says that you are a bad mother because he knows it will hurt you and maybe in some sick way he is relishing the opportunity to continually hurt you and sap your confidence. Don't give him the satisfaction - carry on doing what you are doing because you are doing a great job.

Thanks Horace. I'm relieved in one way that I'm not the only one, but also sad that you (& anyone else who've had rubbish partners) has had to go through such !!!!.

I'm not sure my ex cares enough about me to want to hurt me - he genuinely believes I'm a !!!! mother. Not quite !!!! enough for him to take the kids away from him though (as that would severely limit his own playtime as he'd have to do some parenting for a change :rotfl:)

LL - be careful with the Pilates. I started a class last week when I finally managed to get some time to myself. Guess who now has an appointment with the osteopath next week Not sure what I did, but my back is rather sore now & has been since Wed.

We had fun & games last night when the cat-that-isn't-mine bought home a live mouse (nice change from a disemboweled one, true). Of course it ran away when he dropped it at my feet, so DD, DS & I were all madly trying to catch the poor thing before the cat did. It was like something out of a Carry On Film :rotfl:

S/he was liberated in the end - managed to catch it in a pond dipping net (not sure why it was in the kitchen but ho hum) after much chasing, & trapped the cat inside while I tried to get it out of the net in the garden. Its actually much harder to get a mouse out of a net than into one :rotfl:, but it ended well, even if the cat was very confused.

Big hugs to anyone who needs one :grouphug:

To cheer myself up later I'm going to be making some salted caramel cupcakes - an OOD pack from AF. No doubt I'll be along later to share some hilarious story of how they came out wrong/my kitchen caught fire......

Byatt

Well Jks, in the US, my ex is considered a paed_ophile, took up with a 16yr old with the emotional age of a 7-10 yr old after suffering horrendous abuse from a young age. Ex knew this but it didn't stop him from responding to her advances. Having been abused myself as a child it all had a horrendous effect on me and I'm very scarred. I haven't dated or pursued any man in ten years, not because I think all men are !!!!!s but I'm too battle weary, a ptsd situation. I wouldn't inflict me on someone, I would hold too much of my self back.

Words are definitely damaging and being told you are useless, even if not using that exact word, erode self-esteem. My view of myself is lower than the dust under the doormat although I can blag it, which in some ways is better than nothing.:cool:

Hope the cup cakes work out, one thing is you won't have ex hanging about telling you you're carp if they fail. I'm much more accepting of my failures now as I know I can just try again

ellie99

JustKeepSwimming wrote: »

Its actually much harder to get a mouse out of a net than into one :rotfl:

The things you learn on MSE :rotfl:

Hope the cakes turn out well, I've used those caramel mixes from AF too, they were scrummy.

Well, I've had an totally indulgent day...
started with a bit of a lie-in with my book (anything after 7.30am is a lie-in

Then I went into town, to the large second hand book shop, spent a relaxed hour looking at books and sat at the fire for a little while. Chose a couple of books and didn't have to pay because I'd taken in some to sell, so even better!

There was a food fair on in the centre of town, so had a wander round all the stalls. Bought some pies and some 70% cocoa hand made chocolate (please don't tell the ladies on the weight loss thread ) Got 2 bars as gifts and one for me, dark chocolate flavoured with geranium, it's rather like a turkish delight flavour.

Thought about eating out, but there was a stall selling pulled pork, which I've never tried before, so I bought a pulled pork with bbq sauce and spicy coleslaw bun. Decided not to eat it there because the wind was cold, so went back to my car and drove to the coast (got a little lost, but there was nobody there to see )
Wimped out of a walk at the coast because it was cold and grey. Have pottered about this afternoon, ate a little chocolate, and had a cuppa with some neighbours. Now have tea in the oven.

The most housework I've done all day is wash a few dishes...no feeding anybody, no sorting out anyone's problems, no washing, no cleaning...bliss!

I shall finish the day by browsing on the laptop, a bit of telly, and my book again. I feel I deserve a day totally to myself, like the advert says "because I'm worth it" :rotfl:

Hope you've all had a good day too.

LavenderBees

ellie99 wrote: »

The things you learn on MSE :rotfl:

Hope the cakes turn out well, I've used those caramel mixes from AF too, they were scrummy.

Well, I've had an totally indulgent day...
started with a bit of a lie-in with my book (anything after 7.30am is a lie-in

Then I went into town, to the large second hand book shop, spent a relaxed hour looking at books and sat at the fire for a little while. Chose a couple of books and didn't have to pay because I'd taken in some to sell, so even better!

There was a food fair on in the centre of town, so had a wander round all the stalls. Bought some pies and some 70% cocoa hand made chocolate (please don't tell the ladies on the weight loss thread ) Got 2 bars as gifts and one for me, dark chocolate flavoured with geranium, it's rather like a turkish delight flavour.

Thought about eating out, but there was a stall selling pulled pork, which I've never tried before, so I bought a pulled pork with bbq sauce and spicy coleslaw bun. Decided not to eat it there because the wind was cold, so went back to my car and drove to the coast (got a little lost, but there was nobody there to see )
Wimped out of a walk at the coast because it was cold and grey. Have pottered about this afternoon, ate a little chocolate, and had a cuppa with some neighbours. Now have tea in the oven.

The most housework I've done all day is wash a few dishes...no feeding anybody, no sorting out anyone's problems, no washing, no cleaning...bliss!

I shall finish the day by browsing on the laptop, a bit of telly, and my book again. I feel I deserve a day totally to myself, like the advert says "because I'm worth it" :rotfl:

Hope you've all had a good day too.

Do you know, Ellie, that just sounds perfect .

I continually promise myself a day out of real life at the weekend but it rarely happens. I need far more than 2 days off to achieve that and not impact on the week to come.

I hereby promise myself a day off on a weekend sometime "soon"...I promise myself...

LB xx

P.S. I'm not ignoring the stories of emotional and physical hardship some of you have had to endure over the years. It certainly gives me pause for thought, and makes me so sad (not to mention angry) that so many of you lovely sounding ladies have had to endure so much.:(

Big Hugs.

LB xx

ellie99

Lavender Bees, that's a perfect description..." a day out of real life"....do try to have a day like that when you can.

I feel very lazy, but it's only one day, back to normal tomorrow.

i suppose if we were being philosophical we would say that having a lazy pleasant day shouldn't be unlike "real life" and that we should make more time for ourselves.
Easier said than done though, isn't it?

Byatt

To end on a positive note, I've had quite a nice day, I'm away pet sitting at the moment but go home daily to check on my-boy cat, I was hunting for him and believe me he hasn't anywhere to hide in my house, it's so small, but he was nowhere or so I thought...then a little miaow and his head popped out from his tower which has hide holes, as if to say I'm here!

Got some treats for chooks I'm looking after, they love banana.

Then had a long soaky bath in the wonderful bath tub here.

It's been like summer here, for weeks, so it's been lovely to have Windows open and saunter outside.

I'm going to make some chutneys this week, as have use of the kitchen garden. Courgette anyone? The local farm shop are giving them away too.

Horace

Ellie your day sounds wonderful.

I haven't done much today, I have pottered about at home - chilled out doing stuff, watched tv including bakeoff. Just had a day for me really. Oh I have also written a shopping list so need to go shopping tomorrow - on the list is a new battery for the doorbell (the last one didn't seem to last very long), I have to take the cover off and put in a round flat battery because it is the outside bell push that isn't working, the inside box (I have a wireless one) seems to be ok.

I found a home for the courgettes I was given - I gave them to my neighbours.